My so called, CRAZY life

BAD GIRL

2011-01-21T10:56:00.000-05:00

I am such a bad, bad girl. I didn't go to practice last night! I just couldn't see myself driving the hour and a half to practice for 3 hours. Good thing because I was in my warm bed out cold by 10:15pm....

I have to drive to Tyngsboro three times next week so I figured one night off from practice would be okay.

I hope so.

I'm much to young to feel this damn old

2011-01-18T13:14:00.003-05:00

I don't know if I have already used this Garth Brooks song title as a blog post, but I don't care. I am using it again! Third week of practice started last night. I am going to speak frankly that I am not sure, for me, if MONDAY night is the best night to have practice... It is just one long ass mofo day with my commute. Nonetheless, we started practice again with bootcamp stuff. Now, I can't rightfully do EVERY SINGLE thing we do, but I felt that my body was ready for what we were doing. I mean, we have done it three times so far, but still. I felt a little bit more able (Is that appropriate grammar) to hold something longer, or try something harder.

I need to bring that attitude into my next practice. I need to not decide before the drill even starts that I can't do it. We did a pace line drill last night that I decided a few times around that I couldn't keep the pace so I skated out. I know I have had 8 month sitting on my ass and I should give myself this leeway but there are times I just talk myself out of doing stuff, or talk myself out of continuing. I need to PUSH myself harder. I just don't know if I have the energy to do so. If I pushed myself harder last night I wouldn't be able to walk today and my ability to walk right now is debateable.

One of the last drills of the night was an obstacle course and I watched as everyone did it. Well, I SQUATTED while everyone else did it as we squat while we wait. By the time it got around to the last couple of people, I decided I would be remiss if I didn't try it. So I tried it. It was an okay attempt... The line went through again at a quicker pace and I did it again and fell on the first part. BUT THIS FALL WAS OKAY... It was a kinder, gentler fall because I knew it was happening. It wasn't an "oh no my legs can't take this anymore and I am just going to fall down", it was a "Damn I am not landing this well and why not make it into a crazy, flagrant fall with my leg up in the air like a baseball slide". I got my self right back up and did everything that was asked to the best of my ability... It was like I needed that crazy fall to better myself and continue... I didn't freak out, I just got up and did what I needed to do...

So, although I feel like I could use a walker today. I am thankful for that fall and hopefully that will keep me from being afraid of future falls.

Maybe my next blog post can be entitled UNANSWERED PRAYERS, another Garth Brooks song to show how much I have improved... hehehe. I am a laugh riot!

After 8 months, I can't quite believe it

2011-01-12T12:19:00.002-05:00

Thursday, January 6th, 2011 was my first day back on skates since April 17, 2010. That is 265 days not on skates... And it felt like I had never had skates on before.

Coming back after being out for so long is hard. So many parts of my life has changed. I have changed jobs which changes my commute. I had SPINE surgery which left me sedentary for 8 months. I have put on weight so now my knee hurts more, my whole body hurts more because I haven't done much of anything... NOW let's strap wheels on my feet.
OKAY.

I think I did okay, but it felt like practice felt on my second practice ever. I felt more afraid to fall than ever before. That JARRING feeling of my spine crunching scares me.

Well, I fell on Monday at practice # 2 and I'll tell you what, I will relate it to skiing. When one skis and is about ready for the last run, one should assess if he/she is too tired or what have you so one doesn't fall and injure oneself. That's what I should have done on my last lap on Monday... My legs were wobbly. The wobbliest they have been. I was about to pull off and get my sea legs back and I hear, "YOU CAN DO IT DKB, DON'T GIVE UP". So, I continue around again to complete the timed skate. Half way around I fall down HARD on my knee and I was near tears because I was so afraid that it WOULD hurt. I am okay, sore today but somewhat happy practice is cancelled due to the weather.

It's been awhile

2010-11-22T11:15:00.002-05:00

Hey Guys - I am back. Did you miss me?
I received a request to put something on my blogger page to have people be able to follow me, I don't know how to do that. Any hints?

T- minus

2010-07-16T10:25:00.005-04:00

It is officially official. I am going under the knife for major surgery. I mean, I figured I might, in the back of mind, not get better after conservative treatment but I NEVER once thought I would have to have a discectomy and a cervical fusion.

This is scheduled for 8/12 and I am scared to death.

The future is so bright- IT SCARES ME

2010-06-20T17:11:00.004-04:00

I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't had much to say. I haven't felt myself at all because my body hasn't allowed me to do anything I have wanted to do. I have always been a doer. Physically I don't know of anything I couldn't do or try and not kick ass at. Seriously. I have been on a NATIONAL Television show, I play roller derby. I mean, come on now.

Since April I haven't been able to do much other than sit on the sidelines and watch. Everything I have done since April really is just watching everyone else's life unfold, while my life just hangs in abeyance. I feel like a spectator in this whole life thing and I have no choice in the outcome.

I have managed some derby teams on our league and I feel that I am getting really good at it, but ultimately that isn't what I want to be doing. While I am pleased that people like my style of managing and that people still want me to manage, I just want to play, pass my dang level ones and skate like everyone else.

This could all change, possibly, on Thursday! I see Dr. Kleeman as a consult for surgery. I don't know if I will have surgery, but after Thursday I may! This scares me to death...

So many people have asked me this past week if I will ever be able to skate again and I, frankly, don't even know. That scares the everlovin' beejesus out of me. If I can't do sports, I don't know what I will do...

I hold on Slash featuring Kid Rock

2010-05-22T14:13:00.001-04:00

I feel your comfort in my dreams
Unprotected silent screams
A light beyond your shadow beams
Still I don't know what it means

When seasons change
Then this remain

Chorus

I hold on because I won't let go
Even though I know there's solitude to low
I hold on cause I cant' let go
I refuse to let the hands of faith unfold
I hold on
And when the darkness turns a day
I won't let you drift away
Conscience fades and some let go
But I hang on cause I know
When seasons change
Then this remain

Chorus

I hold on because I won't let go
Even though I know there's solitude to low
I hold on cause I can't let go
I refuse to let the hands of faith unfold
I hold on

Slash solo

Chorus

I hold on because I won't let go
Even though I know there's solitude to low
I hold on because I can't let go
I refuse to let the hands of faith unfold

Noooo, Noooo

I refuse to let the hands of faith unfold

I hold on
I hold on

I refuse to let the hands of faith unfold

Ohh, I hold on

Sad

2010-05-22T12:48:00.004-04:00

I am really sad today and I probably have been really sad for a long time... Let's say almost a month. I felt like that scene from Titanic when Jack is on the bow yelling, "I'm the king of the world" about a month ago... Now, I am feeling how I felt when I watched the scene for the first time when Rose let Jack's frozen/dead body go...

I feel like things were going relatively status quo and then BAM or POOF let's mix it up and see how Katie reacts. While I know that even if I can't skate right now, I still have my derby sisters. But there is a difference from being on the sidelines looking in and being out on the floor working up the best sweat of your life. Especially when one doesn't know the next time one can lace up her skates. While it was hard and it hurt and it was a struggle, I couldn't wait to do it again. Now, I have no idea when I will be able to. With that being said, I feel like the rest of my life is spiraling out of control like the spin of a wheel...

Nothing seems to make me happy. I just paid off my car. which is supposed to be a big step in my life, and all that extra cash now has to go to Physical Therapy copays. I just got two massive bills in the mail, that I had no idea were coming, for my Emergency room visit. I already paid $100 copay and now they want $300 more.

I feel that in every aspect of my life, something has changed and I am playing my own little game of Survivor: Heroes vs. Villians and I have to find a way to withstand every jab thrown and I can't seem to win a damned Immunity Idol. Each jab hurts in a different place and in a different way... Some jabs I don't feel because I have grown numb (both literally and figuratively) to them. Some jabs are familiar. Familiar to the point that I have already, once or twice, received the same jab previously and have adapted myself to not be in a perdicament to ever come face to face with this kind of jab again. In that adaptation, a masked predator, pretending to be a hero with me, shows their true colors and jabs me twice in the same spot and then makes me question if there ever realy was a jab to begin with; like a magician whose hand is quicker than the eye.

I mean, I am even a mess because Lost is finishing up. Seriously. I feel that nothing can be at status quo and that everyone else is on this awesome merry go round of life, enjoying the colors, the sounds, the sights and I am sitting back pondering the experiences of everyone else, thinking of the outcome... And when it is finally my turn to get on the merry go round, it closes for the day and I can't come back the following day.

So, I have given myself two days to play WOE IS ME... By monday morning I am the master and commander of my own destiny and I will get on that FUCKING merry go round if it is the last damned thing I do.

Life's little blessings

2010-05-21T16:10:00.004-04:00

I have been pissed off for so long that I wasn't passing my level ones... Then, when I found out that I had a herniated disc at c6-c7 and Dr. Sobel said that I could not do sports at all because any sort of hit could cause a traumatic injury, I realized HOLY CRAP! Maybe it is a secret blessing that I hadn't passed because who knows how long I had this herniated disc? Maybe if I had passed my level ones and been hit by Vicious, I could have had some serious injury.

Kinda puts things in perspective. So, what I have to remember is that when life's bs gets to me, I have to just remind myself what COULD have happened had I been a level one.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...

2010-05-06T17:29:00.003-04:00

I went to the doctor today to review my MRIs. I was thinking it was something that could be worked out with plain old deep tissue massage and reducing the stress in my life. I figured I would be cleared to play both roller derby and softball.

I couldn't have been more wrong. I have a prolapsed disc at C6-C7... Basically, a herniated disc. The doctor has no idea how this happened. There was not fall, not hit, not collision. Just woke up in pain. So, there are two avenues he would like me to persue simultanesously. One avenue consists of Physical Therapy with a trial of cervical traction and anti-inflammatories. While I am working on this, the other avenue, is to consult a SPINAL SURGEON. I am unable to play softball or roller derby because one collison could possible cause a severe spinal injury.

GREAT... Here's me passing my level one anytime soon. Here's me meeting my goal to somehow becomse scrimmage eligible for the next draft in July. I just want to skate and now I can't. I even had to email the guy running the softball team and ask for a refund. Seriously. I can't play. I was only told once in my life that I could play a sport and that was because of my knee, and you know what? I played anyway. I don't believe that can happen this time... I am completely devastated.

I just want to skate

2010-04-23T14:04:00.004-04:00

Saturday morning I woke up with a pain in my back... I had experienced this type of shoulder/back pain before and it went away on its own, so I didn't think much of it. It kind of went away Saturday. When I woke up Sunday morning, it was uncomfortable again but it subsided. Monday when I woke up, it was back with a vegence and had a point to prove... My back/shoulder hurt, my pinky was numb and my left cheek (near my lip) was numb. I went to Urgent Care and was told it was Radiculopathy. I was given Vicodin and Prednisone. I figured since I had an appt with my doctor Tuesday (4/27) I would fine.

Each day the pain was different and worse. Today I wake up with absolutely zero feeling in my left forearm and pins and needles in my index and pinky finger. I had piercing pain in my shoulder blade and just above my elbow on the back of my arm. This pain has been followed by a million muscle spasms. I called my doctor and since she isn't in the office today, I was told to go to the ER. Because I am honestly scared shitless about this, I am waiting til I get out of work to go someplace I am familiar - Concord Hospital. I don't really know what can be done about this, maybe an MRI? However, the Vicodin and the Prednisone haven't done anything at all. Ibuprofen doesn't touch it either. I am afraid that it may be a pinch nerve, hopefully not disc related, but I don't want to have surgery. Being a former Worker's Comp adjuster and Short Term Disability Claims Manager I know the outcome of such surgeries are not good... How are they going to stop the numbness TODAY? I don't know..

I haven't been skating this week. It isn't because I have lost range of motion or anything like that. I feel that if I fall I may cause further damage. I have a big committment tomorrow. However, I do not want my fingers/arm to turn black and fall off.

I was watching some of the new girls at practice last night and they are so great. Not next week, but the following week assessments will happen again... I just want to skate. I want to use my new OrthoSoles and just skate, not worry about my arm falling off.

Just got my OrthoSoles Last NIGHT!!!!

2010-04-21T08:38:00.002-04:00

I was STOKED to hear that our OrthoSoles were in and I can't wait to try them... I have a weird, out of the blue shoulder thing going on and can't really skate until I see my doctor. Went to Urgent Care on Monday... Have an appt with my PCP 4/27... But, in receiving my OrthoSoles, I checked them out - they have detachable arch and metatarsal inserts to customize to one's foot... This is awesome and I can't wait to try them out because I am practically flat footed... YAY... As soon as I get to try them out, I will let you all know... YAY!!!! Maybe this will help with my leg pain and maybe even CURE my odd shoulder pain!!! YAY ORTHOSOLES

Oh J.F.K., how much I love you... Let me count the ways

2010-04-16T13:35:00.007-04:00

Last night was my first practice at JFK and I think I am in love... I was so scared of the floor hearing it was so slick and scary. Although I wasn't scrimmaging last night, I enjoyed the slickness of it. I actually feel that it helped me push with my back leg in doing crossovers.

I think once I got over the initial shock of being on the floor that I feared, I was scared that my wheels may fall off... I am not really mechanically inclined and to put the bearings in and screw them on myself made me nervous that I had them on too loose. At least I didn't have them so tight that they wouldn't even rotate, right?

I honestly do not know the kinds of wheels I had on, but I will tell you that I saw them on quite a few people's skates last night. I believe they are Shadows (from Radar) but I don't know the durameter (and sadly the first thing I thought of upon hearing the word durameter was DURA MATTER which is in our brain and spinal column. Remember, I may not be a doctor but I play one on TV). However, I felt in control on the floor with these wheels.

Our first drill was as a league. We skated around the track and when May blew the whistle, we would do a knee drop. I have done this drill in the past at Roller Kingdom, and specifically remember doing a knee drop, stopping my momentum and fighting (especially after a few times doing it) to get back up. Last night, I was just able to drop my knee and continue skating and it appeared to occur with ease. I alternated knees each time (to the best of my ability to remember which knee I had used previously)... May had mentioned that this will work your core and I was easily fatigued in my lower back/upper bum area... But it was an awesome work out. You know how I know, because I can feel it in my right quad today.

Next we did the same kind of drill but with plow stops. Not as fun but a good drill none the less. I forgot that we did the shopping cart drill where someone would push you from behind while you were in your skater stance and then when the whistle blew you would switch to the pusher... I did this with Vicious and although, once again, it kicked my ass, I didn't give up and I just kept doing it!!! I believe after that, we were split up into fresh meat and veterans again.

Fresh meat drills consisted of (in no particular order, because I think I am forgetting one)T-stops, a pack drill with people falling back or moving forward through the pack (with which I need to practice keeping sticky wheels. I kept picking up my skates, but I think I was doing that to navigate the corners and to keep my piggies from falling asleep),sticky wheels, jumps, dolly hops (MY NEW FAVORITE)and I think that was it...

Then we had the scrimmage which was different than our normal ones but very effective. It worked well because SFOD and QCCB played specific line ups to prepare for the scrimmage and see what worked and what didn't. I believe it was very appropriate and an effective way to prepare.

I love being at JFK, it was awesome to skate there and, most importantly it was so close to my house that I could have done the dance of joy (like Balki from Perfect Strangers)... I only had ONE toll to pay and I was in Concord in under 20 minutes... J.F.K. I could kiss you!

I can't wait to go back there next week for practice!!!!!

The diamond

2010-04-13T18:38:00.004-04:00

Near the end of practice last night, the whole league was to do a drill together. This was for girls who could do cross overs and the training committee showed us the significance in skating in a diamond... I have heard this discussion previously, but at the time I didn't even know how to stand up in skates, let alone cross over and skate effectively in the diamond.

Now, I may not be able to explain it right, but I think in skating the diamond you are skating the least amount of space effectively and you are crossing over the whole time... Since the beginning of practice was freshmeat off in the corrall (or as I heard Rush call it The Shallow End), this drill was our first opportunity of the night to practice with the whole league. I jumped at the chance to practice my crossovers as it appears to be the one thing that is keeping me from being a level one.

With so many people on our league now, we attempted to do a pace line first with fresh meat at the front but we were supposed to remain an arm's length away from the person in front of us and that wasn't working. So, half of the league went to the middle of the of the track and did calisthenics while the other half skated the diamond. I was in the group that went in the center of the track first and did a squat for 1 minute. When the time was up, I exited the center of the track and started the diamond. It made sense and I was crossing over the whole time and then all I could hear was smack, smack, smack... I could hear each step I was making and I thought this isn't right, this isn't a graceful glide. A few people commented saying, "Good job D.K.B."! But as soon as that minute was up, I skated over to the freshmeat area and went up to Bettie. I told her how I did the diamond but previous to that drill, people were telling me that I should just practice doing a couple crossovers at a time... Bettie advised me it will come. I was just so mad at myself because I thought, once again, I am not getting my cross overs.

After practice Kenya and Lix asked me what happened in the drill. I told them that I pulled myself from the drill (beating myself up)and explained how I felt like I was slamming and not even doing a cross over and both of them told me that I was doing crossovers right and will never get noticed for trying by pulling myself from a drill. So, not only am I bummed that I didn't think I was doing my cross overs right, but Lix and Harmony were right... I never will pass if I pull myself from drills... It just seems like I can't win!!!

Hopefully I will have another chance to practice crossovers on Thursday.

I will say, excitingly, in practicing BASEBALL SLIDES (my favorite thing ever) I got my FIRST rink rash/fish net burn. Although it stings, it makes me feel a little more like an official Derby Girl.

OrthoSoles

2010-04-11T13:11:00.003-04:00

I am so gall dang excited. I am going to be trying some insoles for OrthoSoles in my skates! I can't wait!!!!!! Since starting back up in January, I have been experiencing some weird leg pain (side of my calves and occasionally my shins) and now that I am working on my cross overs, I am feeling some discomfort in my not so present arches in my feet.. Love having practically flat feet!!!! SO, I can't wait to try out these insoles. I have NEVER used insoles before... can't wait to tell you all about it!

A new bunch of freshies

2010-04-06T16:34:00.002-04:00

Last night was a new start date for new Fresh Meat... 16 showed up. What a huge new class of new girls. How exciting! Trina said there were 70 people at practice last night. PutUnya noted that the new fresh meat were enough to field their own team... WOW. Looking forward to see what they have to offer NHRD. I betcha they have a lot to bring to the table.
YAY!

Ch Ch Ch Cherry Bombs

2010-04-01T09:52:00.001-04:00

It is official. I have been officially asked to be the manager of the CHERRY BOMBS. YAY ME... Love it!!! I love managing this team and they are so great to work with!

Everyone Loves a Parade

2010-03-30T17:13:00.002-04:00

Sunday NHRD marched in the Manchester St. Patrick's day Parade. We had sun and WIND. What a day. It was slightly chilly and we were unable to throw candy or hand out ANY flyers, but we YELLED our brains out telling people about our season opener April 24th.

Manager?

2010-03-28T19:41:00.004-04:00

As you all know, I have started a new endeavor in my life, it is called ROLLER DERBY. (Unless you have been living in a meat locker somewhere, I am sure you already know this). What you may also know is that, although I have been an athlete my whole life, roller skating is not something I have ever done before. Since, this has been a year of first, I have started trying new things within derby - stats was the first and now I am learning how to be a bench manager.

Hazardous Heat has been training me and last week was my first solo go at managing. I manged the Queen City Cherry Bombs... No pun intended but I had a blast. I felt like I knew what I was doing. I kept my cool the whole time. I never flipped out and that helped set the tone with the team. I am so pleased that other people noticed my level headed-ness (please check out the shout out I received in another blog: http://hazelgetscrunched.blogspot.com/). I have never really been known to be level headed so it is nice to know I was able to not flip out and maintain control and send people to the positions where they needed to be. If I needed someone else to step in they just said sure.

You should see the postings in fb:
Katie Mills THANK YOU Cherry Bombs for letting me manage! I enjoyed every single second. You guys rock!

Lisa DiLeo
i love when you manage, you stay so calm and keep it together so nicely. former teacher skills coming in handy :)
Fri at 12:07am ·

Julia Van Alst
you did a GREAT job!
Fri at 12:08am ·

Maura Branley
yes calm! ♥ me some DKB!!
Fri at 12:28am ·

Jena Cotreau
yup! another great job!
Fri at 12:48am ·

Jennifer Liskow Waltner
You're so zen it helps me hold it together. Awesomeness.
Fri at 7:40am ·

Katie Mills
You guys are so sweet. Thank you!!!
Fri at 8:03am ·

Keen On New England
nice job DKB!! i love how you delegated, "you, tell so and so they are this position next jam"
Fri at 12:36pm ·

Minda Henderson Shaheen
I thought you did a great job! Clear-headedness seems to come easy to you.
Sat at 4:50am ·

Heather Heatisis
what!! I have competition, where did that come from?I'm gonna kick your butt DKB--GOL(giggle out loud)-can we have a derby scrimmage for managers only?nevermind I gotta wait for my extra teammate to emerge
Sat at 9:15am ·

Sandra Morin Katie...you are the best manager I've seen! You are so calm and so cool, it's awesome. And that reflects on the team you're managing so they can stay focuesed . It's a pleasure to watch you guys WORK TOGETHER.

I have found something, in managing, that I really love... I also now have the sense of being on a team, not just on the league.

New Knee Pads

2010-03-28T19:15:00.002-04:00

Okay, so for my birthday my mom gave me a check to buy new wheels. Well, I must have misunderstood the pricing on line from Bruised Boutique and they were less than I expected. Then Dee (Dee Stortion, owner and proprietor of Bruised Boutique) offered me a deal on the wheels I wanted, they were HALF off because they were discolored. Seriously, I don't care if the color is off, as long as they work... So, I had extra money to use and I wanted to get new knee pads.

When I first bought my gear, I hadn't even been on skates yet. With my previous knee injury (causing me to have screws in my knees) and 2 knee operations, I just wanted the biggest, bulkiest knee pads to keep me from causing any sort of injury to my knee. After many weeks of doing roller derby, I think my legs have toned up, my big knee pads actually got TOO big. The Large 187's ran out of Velcro and wouldn't stay where they were supposed to be. This isn't helpful when doing knee slides or anything... The pro about the big knee pad is that I could comfortably wear my knee brace without issue (that I know of).

So, with the extra birthday money, I was able to get a less bulky pair of knee pads... I got Pro Tec Knee pads. They fit more snugly and aren't shifting on my knees. The first time I wore them, Roller Kingdom had just buffed the floor and I wasn't sliding anywhere, they are now "broken in" and working great. The second practice I wore them, along with wearing my knee brace, I was trying to do a drill in a pace line and while skating my whole left leg felt like it was dead asleep. So, my last practice I skated with my new knee pads and didn't wear my brace. While I was kind scared to death, I felt safe with the snug knee pads and I actually felt like my leg had more flexibility...

Here's to my new knee pads - they freed my knee! I 'll keep you posted about the new wheels, won't know how they are until after our first practice at JFK 4/8!

Some new GEAR.... Post to come

2010-03-19T09:48:00.001-04:00

I just wanted to share I got some new knee pads last night and some new wheels for when we practice at JFK... I am going to share with you a review of my new pads SOON and once I try out my new wheels, I will fill you in. Gotta say I LOVE BRUISED BOUTIQUE

Sometimes Facebook SUCKS

2010-03-13T21:30:00.003-05:00

I was a myspace girl until my friend Katy Cummings told me about facebook and I have been hooked... Well, tonight I wanted to just get rid of my whole facebook profile. I know that SOMETIMES fb just picks random people in cyberspace and suggests them as friends. HOW IN GOD'S NAME DID FACEBOOK SUGGEST MY EX BOYFRIEND WHO I HAD TO GET A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST? I nearly shat my pants... Fb specifically thought that they guy who threatened to kill me should be my friend.

It kind of takes your breath away. I really thought that he was dead by now. Hell, when we dated he was a full blown drunk and then learned that if he did COKE he could drink more. Plus, his doctor told him as a teenager that he shouldn't drink hard liquor because it would kill him... so he continued to drink BEER.

Whatever, I don't think he is going to show up at my door step because I blocked him IMMEDIATELY but wtf fb... We are so fighting! If it wasn't for that dang game Sorority Life I would be so done with you....

No I in team

2010-03-10T19:59:00.003-05:00

Last night we had a scrimmage with The Nutcrackers at the beginning of practice. I did stats for scrimmage. It was interesting to watch the scrimmage at the beginning of the practice because it is like HURRY up and watch and then jump right into practice. Whereas, the girls that scrimmaged are all warmed up.

We got through the scrimmage and started practice. It was an endurance practice. Yikes. I haven't really had much opportunity to build up my stamina and build endurance. I get nervous because my legs tire so easily.

We did a drill that was a team drill. One team did a pace line and the other team did a pack. The first couple of people that had to fight through the pack, I was ready to go. I was blocking people and I actually surprised myself, I kind of just looked over my shoulder and tried to block a few people. However, the speed of the pack and the amount of time/people going through the drill, I was just pooped and I got dizzy... So, I had to step out. I got a sip of water and got back in. Then, I attempted to continue the pack drill. I do think that Harmony Lix whipped me ahead of the pack. Well, I did that a little bit more then I got dizzy and pooped again. So, after getting some water I just continued to skate around the group. I hate that I can't keep up. This will come though, I have faith it will.

We did a relay drill where we ran on our toe stops, the duck walked, stopped however we wanted to then sprinted back. I was told by members on my team that a few times I brought the team back to the lead.. That is so awesome to hear because I feel like something just clicked!

The last drill of the night, we had to get back into our original group and was told that we had to do 40 laps as a team! I nearly shat my pants. Um, I was on a team of all veterans and amazing skaters. Immediately my team pulled together and moved me to the front and did EVERYTHING they could to make sure that we would do this all together. For close to 40 laps, I skated and then was pushed from behind and then literally pulled by Chicana. Seriously...
When those 40 laps were over, I got a little teary about how awesome everyone worked together to come to a common goal, completing 40 lapse TOGETHER. Amazing.

I know there is no I in team, but I am so glad that there is ROOM FOR ME!

Anti-Clockwise

2010-02-23T09:01:00.003-05:00

My mom read somewhere that at different times of the year one is to change the direction the ceiling fan is going. She couldn't remember the opposite of clockwise, so she wrote herself a note to turn the fan ANTI-CLOCKWISE.

I share that anecdote because in Roller Derby we skate counterclockwise normally. However, in practice to build up the "opposite" muscle group we skate the opposite way. THIS KICKS MY ASS. I can't do the cross overs with the opposite leg. Frankly I can't even master the crossovers with the correct leg. I groan and moan and just hate it when I hear training tell us to turn around and sprint the other way. So, I will now, forever, refer to that as anti-clockwise, because I am so ANTI every time we have to do it!

Last night's practice was complete agility and we would do a drill and then do a 2 minute sprint. I was pooped last night because I was doing so many new things and my body didn't really know how to react. We did balance drills, we skated backwards, we did transitions, turning toe stops, skating around cones on one leg... The last sprint was anti-clockwise and I was beat. However, Bettie came up behind me and verbally pushed me to push myself for that last 2 minutes. It was SO what I needed because I was ready to give up! I needed that kind of positive reinforcement to push me to continue. It wasn't like a mandate to "do my crossovers", it was positively pushing me and that made my whole practice... It was like Bettie "knew me" to know that was what I needed. Which means that next time I know I will be able to do it on my own...

Even though I am ANTI clockwise, I am PRO positive reinforcement!

(okay so my Anti-clockwise analogy doesn't really work, but just roll with me, okay?)

Baby Steps

2010-02-19T09:45:00.005-05:00

I have to remember that I just put skates on for the first time in September. It is now February. I started skating 23 weeks ago (167 days)... I can't just think I am going to be an Olympian in 167 days... I wasn't an all star softball player in 167 days. I am being my own worse critic. Someone actually told me that they thought I would QUIT because I didn't pass my level ones again. Obviously, that is SO not the case with me. I don't quit. The only thing I quit is SMOKING and that's about it...

In the beginning I was tired of saying this is my second time on skates, this is my third time on skates because the girls in my first Fresh Meat group and my second Fresh Meat group were (are) so talented... I didn't want it to be about me never skating before. While I don't want it to be all about me never skating, I think it has to be in order for me not to be my worst critic. But when you have a new girl asking you, "So are you a Fresh Meat or a Veteran"? It is hard not hold back the emotions of it all and see how far one hasn't come. My response was, " This is my second fresh meat class, I didn't pass my level one both times I was assessed". And the response was "Oh". Yup. That's when the beating myself up begins.

I need to not beat myself up because of my ability or inability. I need to remember that the girls I started skating with in September and in January had skated before in their lives and are now at the scrimmage level and I am at the same level I was as day 1. I have done many things in my life, just never with wheels on my feet... I have to remember that!

I worked on transitions last night - that crazy turning toe stop action... I kind of got it and it surprised me how I got the mechanics and it just clicked. However, before that, I got all bent out of shape because we had to do a drill that required me to skate backwards. Um, I just barely mastered forwards... I did the drill to the best of my ability, but I have to remember that almost every new thing is a milestone and I should be proud that I got THAT far. I can't beat myself up about how I didn't master it immediately....

So, while I want my new goal to be that I can hit and be able to hit so well that I can take down Vicious. My real goal has to be that I have to allow myself the baby steps and not look at how far I have to go but how far I have come... This is hard because I want to be farther than I am, but the road ahead is much shorter than the road behind me, right?

Baby steps. (Thanks Bettie for once again putting this in perspective for me).

Heart Breaker's Ball

2010-02-15T16:01:00.003-05:00

My first event as Fundraising Committee Chair has come and gone... PHEW (visualize me wipping the sweat from my brow)! I think I was a complete stress ball at the event, but I do think, overall, it was an enjoyable night.

There were a few hitches that I didn't know about (50/50 raffle and King and Queen of the Ball) and the prizes for the committee that sold the most tickets for their basket weren't there... Still not quite sure what they are too...

But, it looks like the night was a success. Hopefully we made some cash... I added it all up and it looks like a lucrative amount. THANK GOODNESS.

Next event I should be able to sit back and relax a little more.

Scrimmage

2010-02-12T11:01:00.003-05:00

Last night our practice was at 8:15pm, a short one, but not short on the intensity... While I enjoyed the drills and working my ass off for that hour, what I will say is that I THOROUGHLY ENJOYED MANAGING THE BLACK TEAM....

It was a challenge with people in the box (not my Dirty Kat Box) or injuries or people just being tired, but it was so much fun to feel a part of the scrimmage...

I hope someday I can do that again... I kept my skates on for the whole thing and had to skate over and make eye contact and tell people their positions. I just liked it... I mean, I enjoy doing stats in the middle, but this time I felt like a part of the team...

And finally, I GOT TO HIT!

2010-02-09T11:26:00.002-05:00

Hitting drills were on the menu for last night's practice and I found my favorite thing to do!!! I have been waiting for this moment for approximately 33 years, more or less.

We first did a drill where we had to skate under a jump rope and "jump" up like a pretend hit. We were to use our legs and pop up... At the end of weaving and popping we were to skate to a person in the end holding a hitting pad and give him our best hit... The first time through the line, I got clothes lined. May B Knotty was the end and giggled at my attempt (and it made me chuckle)... The second time, I heeded Heat's advise and to use my knees and I lost my balance completely. I caught myself from falling but it wasn't pretty. The third time, I believe I got it.

Then we had to skate around with our Skater Sister and LEAN into a hit (since I am still no contact, I couldn't actually hit, per se, but I could lean into it. And this was the best thing every... I was pretty much able to push my Skater Sister out each time, while trying to keep my elbows in... Man that was so much fun.

Then after all that, we went off to the side, took our skates off and learned the basics of how to hit... This was by far my favorite part. Every hit or stance I could relate to another sport or something I am skilled in... Keeping my elbows in and getting low is like volley ball... the lower the base of the hit the harder it is to get knocked down - like the strike zone (kind of).. Swooping in is like BOXING OUT in basket ball and the hip check is like a dance move...

YAY... I enjoyed that thoroughly. Plus, teaching Nancy and Yvonne how to do stats (or at least try to teach them) was so much fun.. They were such great learners and I enjoyed being on top of it - except that ONE TIME I zoned out and Woody yelled at me to get my attention, but I TOTALLY deserved it...

Can't wait to practice it some more.

Derby, Derby, Derby

2010-02-07T11:38:00.004-05:00

I seriously feel like I am back in college and President of my Sorority once again... To quote my boyfriend, "a Low life living the High Life". College was the best time of my life. I had so many friends, everyone on campus knew me (that could be an over statement, but my theory was that since I worked in the bookstore, everyone at least SAW me). I didn't have a care in the world. Money wasn't an issue because I was the President and didn't have to PAY to get into parties, I was respected because I was a member of the executive board of Greek Senate. I felt like the belle of the ball...

Getting back into something like Roller Derby with NHRD is like being in a sorority again, minus the drinking all the time... It is ironic to me that although I will forever be a sister of Eta Gamma Chi, the year that HrX ceases to exist, I find a place to fit, and really feel like I belong...

My days are filled with meetings and practice and people that want to spend time with me and are interested in my day to day stuff... If my facebook status is kind of down in the dumps - I get emails that someone will take care of who ever put the pus on my face... It is nice to feel part of something again.

Also, being a part of this team makes me feel better about me. Although not all things work out the way I want them to, people seem to really understand me and I am no longer on the island of misfit toys. Friday, I get home from work and what seemed like a really long week and I have an anonymous card in my mailbox, with no return address, just a postmark from Manchester. It is addressed to Dirty Kat Box (and I am 100% certain that the mailman laughed his ass off) and it is signed LOVE, ME... It says some really nice things to me and it made me cry (a second time this week) for all the right reasons. Once again, I get reassured that I somehow have made a difference to some people and they genuinely care about me and my feelings.

I am lucky enough to say I have met some wonderful people in my life, and even luckier to have these people in my friends column. However, I can't even express in words how awesome it feels to know that some of these people that I have met recently, within the past 4 months, are so welcoming and help me feel like I belong.

Being a single lady in her 30's, I sometimes think of my lonely times and to know that I have some great friends to spend time with and make me feel good about myself, makes me not feel so lonely.

I will also say that I do have some "old" friends from KSC/K&Q/WRHS that do make me feel like I belong and are great people. Our lives have brought us to different places in life physically, relationally, professionally and personally. These people are also important people in my life that aided me in becoming who I am now and I cherish every minute we have spent and will spend together...

Derby is everything about being in college that I loved AND you get to skate around and eventually get to knock people down too... Who could ask for anything more?! hehehehe

It was the best of days, it was the worst of days

2010-02-04T11:28:00.004-05:00

Assessments... I don't know why I get so tense with EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING? Probably because I don't like doing things wrong. Who does? Probably because I want to pass SO bad. Probably because I am not used to performing badly at an athletic level.

I have played sports since I was five years old. YES this is the first time I have ever played sports on wheels, but still... I am extremely frustrated in myself that it isn't coming to me easier... Could it be that I am now 33 years old? Maybe. Could it be that I weigh more? Who knows. What I do know is that it bugs me to no end. I eat, sleep and breath thinking about these dastardly crossovers. And, once I get those, who knows how long it will take me to get the turning toe stops?

So, Monday's assessment went slightly better than my first assessment. Interestingly enough I realized I was wearing the same socks as I wore on 10/09/09... Which may be why I had the same leg pain, but that could just be an excuse (They are the Keen socks and they are tight). I think I nailed the same stuff I nailed last time - t stops, toe stops, plow stops, single knee slides, rock star slides, and BASEBALL SLIDES (MY FAVORITE). Last time, after 8 practices, I didn't have any balance. I couldn't skate around on one foot to save my life... This time, it was like second nature.... However, the crossovers are what caused me to not pass. Last time, (10/09/09) I couldn't even fathom DOING a crossover... This time, I did the crossovers as I have been doing them since I figured out how to physically do them. Interestingly enough, this is wrong. I was told I do a cross over like I am running and that I need to do them more sweepingly and with a "glide". I get that. It makes sense. I have learned how to do crossovers by watching other people, so in theory I was translating what I saw into how I was doing the crossovers. I must have been watching wrong.

When we were advised who passed, I didn't hear my name. Not shocked but still hoping, in my heart of hearts, that I would pass. Nope. However, it was stated (in front of everyone) how far I have come since never being on skates before September and I should be proud of how far I have come. Okay. Proud of failing my level one assessment not once, but twice. Proud of failure. That doesn't work for me. Has anyone on the team failed twice... Nope, just Katie Mills.

So, I turned it into a Katie Mills pity party for a little bit... I am now able to not get teary about it, but I am just frustrated with myself. I don't fail. Next practice that I am able to attend, I am going to try and glide. I will be a level 1.

The part that made it the best of days was that when I walked into practice a bunch of my friends came up to me and said they were staging an intervention... I was confused because I hadn't drank that day... They handed me an envelope (which I had difficulty opening) and within that envelope were tickets to see KID ROCK at Mohegan Sun. The concert I was bummed that I wouldn't be able to attend because I just couldn't afford it... I BURST into tears... I couldn't believe it. No one has EVER done anything so nice for me in my life... So, when I think back about how bad I felt at the end of practice, I remember how awesome I felt at the beginning of practice. And that makes me smile, and will continue to make me smile for a long, long time.

UNH First Home Meet

2010-01-17T19:13:00.003-05:00

I have wanted to Gymnastics since I was 6 years old. I went today to UNH to see their invitational with Ball State, Utah State and Yale... I have never seen a 10 given as a score and I saw 3 today... It wasn't the ending score of the routine but they got 10's... So cool.
The best part about going to the meets is that I get to text Lisa in VA and tell her how it is going... It is almost like she is sitting right next to me and enjoying the meet with me..

Day with Heather and Caitlin

2010-01-16T20:18:00.002-05:00

Today I went to my first ever Lia Sophia party. I had such a great time. After the party, we went to the Red Blazer. I love going to the Red Blazer with Heather. She is the best wing man... Some of the waiters/servers at the Blazer are cute... And I will say that I have been on a dry spell for a while... I did have a brief tip toe into a quick dating spree with a guy who was STILL married to a woman from Uruguay... It fizzled out fast, but I digress. That was May. It is now January and here's to better men in 2010, right?

So, our server was a 38 year old man named Steve. Nice smile... When we get a cute server, I get a little giddy so the laughs and jokes start a flying... SO MUCH FUN... And I am beyond full...

Thanks Heather and Caitlin - I had such a great time!

Derby - back in full swing- Level ONE here I come!

2010-01-16T20:07:00.004-05:00

I have been to four derby practices in 2010 and it feels like I haven't skipped a beat.... Like there was no break at all...

The first few practices the Fresh Meat (which I am still part of because I haven't passed my level ones) were skating separate from everyone else. On the first practice Miss Chif was with me and made a comment about not wanting to be with the fresh meat and Empress took her aside and assessed her - she is now a level one... So, EVERY girl that started with me in September is a level 1 but me... It frustrates me that I am not picking it up as quick as I want to. I want to be a level one... I want to move up the derby food chain.

At the fourth practice, I got some good constructive criticism... I LOOK PETRIFIED when I skate... I had no idea... Seriously. The other piece of info I got was that I am standing up pretty straight, not in a derby stance... Dude, I thought I was getting low... NO IDEA...

So, maybe these little tidbits will help me get the skate skating and move towards my goal of progressing to a level one... Seriously - leaps and bounds from my first day ever on skates. I have even fallen a few times more lately. I say this because it scared me a little bit, thinking if I fell I might hurt myself seriously... I fell like 4 times this week... No serious injuries yet (knock on wood).

I have asked some of the girls if they could video tape me trying to do my cross overs too. I WANT TO NAIL THEM... I want to be a level one so bad. I want to learn how to hit... You want to know why I want to learn how to hit? It scares the crap out of me, but it sounds like it is so much fun...

At our last practice we did a drill where all the freshies were skating in a line and we had to weave in and out of them... I loved it... I was trying to do my cross overs at the corners but then I felt like I was getting too much speed and was getting a head of myself... I loved this drill... It felt like real derby...

The best is yet to come - LEVEL ONE!

I have had enough

2010-01-10T13:37:00.003-05:00

I have already sent in two written complaints and it feels like it is to no avail...

This is my BASS report:

1/8:

7:20pm

louder at 7:49pm

blaring at 8:03pm

continuous bassline at 8:21pm, continuing through 8:49 and until 10:42pm where I stopped writing it down

1/9

bass started at 2:03pm

3:14pm

3:19pm

3:36pm

4:44pm

6:25pm

7:33pm

7:54pm

8:46pm

9:08pm

9:46pm- this is when I decided to stop writting things down and put on a fan, turned up my TV and could still hear it - this is when I started to write my third letter of complaint.

1/10

Bass started at 1:03pm

Big Girl day

2010-01-10T11:54:00.002-05:00

I know it doesn't sound like much but today was the first day in a while where I felt like an adult and also proud of who I am and how I am perceived... I will explain. First I must explain that I am always proud of who I am but it is often how I am perceived that takes the skip out of my step... I do know that I shouldn't care about what other people think of me, but for some reason it is like GROUND HOG day and I wake up trying to please everyone else but myself.

But today was a different day, a day I would like to post up on my refrigerator... Today was the first day that I got to use the envelopes provided to parishioners at church. So, although I already registered to be a member of the parish, I got to use the envelopes today. Well, I know that doesn't sound all exciting because within that envelope it means I have to give money to the church, but it made me feel like an adult...

Then, at church this morning, when I went up for the Eucharist, the priest was on our side of the church and he gave me the host and then commented to me, "You keep smiling okay"! That really made my whole day. He saw me in the church and saw me smiling... That's huge... I made an indelible impression...

Which got me to thinking. The main thing I hate about living in Concord is my commute... But instead of thinking of reasons why I hate living in Concord - my downstairs neighbors are second on the list to my commute- I should think of all the good things about living here. Just as much as I would like to move closer to work, I would like to stay. While a lot of my "life" is outside of Concord, I am growing to really like being here. I mean, I don't see the people I don't want to see... But I make it a point to see the people I want to see. I feel like I belong. Could that be because I joined the parish? I don't know. Parish means neighborhood, but I don't really know the people in my church other than Heather and Caitlin, but eventually, right?

Maybe the worrying about others isn't so much just that, it is just wanting a place to be. Right now, I have to remind myself I don't live a solitary, lonely life. That I share my life with many different "neighborhoods". So, I guess it doesn't truly matter where I hang my hat, or how far I have to drive, it has to be where I feel I fit.

Maybe that's another big girl revelation!

harumph

2009-12-30T14:33:00.002-05:00

I just noticed that in 2009 I blogged 92 times... In 2008 I blogged 134 times... and the last three months I have only blogged 6 times each month (THAT'S WHY I AM BLOGGING RIGHT NOW TO MAKE IT 7 TIMES IN DECEMBER!

I need to blog more in 2010!

I wonder if because I had a bf in 2008 if I blogged more? Maybe because I was working at Liberty and found it easier to blog during the day... I think I am actually more busy here than at Liberty.... Well, the busy stuff is more fun that the Liberty busy work... Now I am rambling.

Wants, peeves and Resolutions - Here I come 2010

2009-12-30T13:14:00.002-05:00

My wants and resolutions are basically the same - a DRAMA FREE 2010... Is that too much to ask? I don't think, or can recall, that I have actually been the cause of the drama but I know I have been surrounded by it for quite a long time. So, I know I used to be the "Go To Gal" for advise (or maybe because I used to be a YES GIRL) but BACK the EFF off if you are going to come to me and cause me to become enswirled (I think I just made that word up) in your drama... Save it!

I want to rant about a big peeve that I would like to see changed (BECAUSE I SAID SO) in 2010. I vaguely remember from Drivers Ed that at dawn and dusk DRIVERS MUST TURN THEIR LIGHTS ON... Why don't all people abide by that? Maine also has it right - in their laws it states if a motorist is to have their wipers on, their lights should be on too. Really, is that difficult? I drive 80 miles a day and some times more and I ALWAYS have my lights on and it isn't because of day time running lamps. (DUDE, my pt still has a cassette, even though it is a 2005, do you honestly expect it to have day time running lamps? Pushaw!) And I don't think these dumbasses who don't have their lights on are wrapped up in the urban legend bs that if you flash your high beams at them it is a gang initiation and they will kill you. I CALL BULL CRAP! This is NH, not Compton!

So, to sum all this up. I have zero tolerance for any drama and turn your damn lights on! Oh, and quit playing your bass so loud... That's it - Mills out!

Good friends and good times

2009-12-28T13:04:00.002-05:00

I met up with my friend Lisa, who lives in VA and my friend Marianne, who lives in MA, yesterday for our now ANNUAL Christmas lunch. We went to the Loop in Metheun - which is the same place we went last year for our lunch...

We sat and talked for at least 3 hours at our table - and I can honestly say NOTHING BEATS THAT. To be amongst friends chit chatting about what ever our hearts desire, it was such good times. I didn't want it to end.

Luckily, we found out that Lisa will be coming back up in March to see UNH gymnastics host the EAGL Championship. YAY!

Dreams for the future

2009-12-22T13:07:00.002-05:00

My new mantra for 2010 is BETTER MEN in 2010... However, I have one true wish for my future (maybe not so much in 2010 because I don't know how it is possible) but I would love to not have to live paycheck to paycheck.

I don't have any credit cards because I know that I can't have them - I would have flat screens in every room and not know how to pay for them. I just don't want to worry about wanting something new. Not even a luxury item, but not to be concerned that I won't have gas to get to work or rationalize toll money to having dinner.

So - here's to 2010!

Silent night

2009-12-07T21:17:00.002-05:00

Weird. I don't know what my problem is. I know that I personally watch TV really loud. However, I have an aversion to BASS (not the fish, the loud stuff in music, specifically rap)... I don't even have the bass on in my car.

I hate it when I am sitting in my apartment and hear bass - and it hasn't really happened before tonight. First someone steals my fed ex package and now someone is blaring bass. Okay, so I don't know what happened to me in my life that it causes me to get SO ANGRY when I can hear bass in my apartment... It gets me so fed up that every time I hear it, I have to pause or mute the TV and make sure it is really what I am hearing, and guess what - it is really what I am hearing...

So, it angers me so much, it makes my heart race and tonight I actually had to leave my house and go and do something for a little bit to calm back down... In leaving my apartment, NO LIE, when I got to my car and turned it on -the radio started to play KID ROCK. It wasn't my Ipod or a CD - it was WHEB playing BAWITABA. I totally had a Kid Rock moment...

After my Kid Rock moment, I get back and now all I can hear is bass. I have even turned up my own TV to the point that it is really loud. You know, this bass isn't even really that loud, but it hurts my head. I don't know what about bass bothers me. Heck, I love Lance Bass.

I think it brings me back to being in a noisy dorm room, or living in Emerald Court when I was student teaching and just hearing bam bam bam of the bass when I was trying to sleep. It gets me all worked up, gives me a head ache and sadly, it makes me feel like I have to leave my apartment...

I just want to turn my TV down and not hear boom boom boom. Why does bass make me so unhappy? It gives me slight anxiety (or makes my heart race and makes it hard for me to breath)... isn't that weird? Why does it make me get all worked up? Normal people get worked up about spiders or lightening. I get all a flutter (not in a good way) about hearing bass in my apartment.

Do I think that I won't be able to sleep? I don't know... But it disrupts me.

Derby Filled weekend

2009-12-07T18:30:00.002-05:00

I totally did all things derby this weekend, except skate - that's this Thursday (and I can't wait) - that rhymes.

NHRD was #73 in the Manchester Holiday Spirit parade - in the snow and wet and cold... And then yesterday was a Photo shoot... How fun was that? I haven't done a photo shoot since the mole and it wasn't as exciting as a photo shoot on skates, making mean faces, growling and making fists!

"Brake" Dancing

2009-12-03T08:47:00.002-05:00

For the past three months, I have been, or so I thought, Waltzing to and from work - but in actuality it was more of a disjointed, contemporary dance... Probably choreographed by Mia Michaels.

In having my car looked over to see what was out of step, I was advising I only had about a week left of dancing - IF THAT- or I would have had to take my dancing shoes off for a while, or cause other people the same fate.

However, my dance step is back in beat, I am performing like a precision dancer - ARGENTINE TANGO STYLE.... Just gotta figure out how to pay for the lessons!

Thank you card OBSESSION

2009-11-30T14:01:00.004-05:00

I totally am obsessed with thank you cards. I love buying them, I feel the urgency to send them almost immediately. However, I think this is a dying art form. With Internet and e-cards, so many people shoot an email of thanks. I think that NOTHING BEATS a snail mail note in the mail. Plus, every year for my birthday and Christmas, one of my gifts would be thank you cards (and possibly stamps) and my mother told me I had less than a week to get them out. Now, I do them almost immediately.

My mother is STILL angry that she didn't get a thank you card for a wedding present she went to in 2001.... Seriously.

I am obsessed with snail mail - to me, minus the bills, it is like Christmas every day. I sometimes will just snail mail an article I read to someone because it reminds me of them or it is something I think he/she may find interesting. I also mail calendar pages (one a days) to people AFTER their birthday so they get to see their birthday kitty. I am sure MOST people throw these away, but there is definite sentiment in me sending them...

I think this also fuels my obsession to send cards to people for birthdays, anniversaries, mother's/father's day... I just like people to know I acknowledge them...

Sometimes I will send a thank you card for a kind gesture, not even an actual, tangible thing... I think it is important to let people know you appreciate them and their actions.

My biggest thing is sending a thank you card after a job interview. I can't believe that people don't know about this or just don't do it... IT IS KEY!!!!

Don't feel the need to send me a thank you card after reading this - it is just a little present from me to you!

flu bug blecka

2009-11-28T10:33:00.001-05:00

Just wanted to say that once it bites ya, it sticks!!!! For like over a month or two...

Black Friday

2009-11-27T09:14:00.001-05:00

WHY did I volunteer to work today?

Hammer and Sickle

2009-11-26T00:13:00.001-05:00

My boss gave Steph and myself a bottle of Hammer and Sickle Vodka today for the holiday and that we are kicking ass and that we are bringing in a lot of business... YAY!

Derby #

2009-11-26T00:11:00.001-05:00

Also found out that since NH Roller Derby is going with WFTDA rules, MEOW can't be my derby number. So, my new Derby number is 9 lives.... PERFECT...
Not sure what I should do for my SKATEY KAT photo shoot on 12/6 - any thoughts?

Wow: Lapse in entries but not in judgement

2009-11-25T23:57:00.002-05:00

I can't believe I haven't blogged in over a month. I love to blog and I think about tons of posts all the time. I guess I have been very busy, and interestingly enough, after a long day of work, I have been coming home and telling myself to not turn on my computer. When would I ever tell myself that I can't turn on my 'puter and dabble on facebook?

I think that my 80 mile commute a day and long hours at work has caused me to come home and run errands and then stare at a different screen (the TV screen) to catch up on my DVR... My DVR is another whole story... I HAVE ACTUALLY CUT OUT SHOWS FROM MY REPERTOIRE... Can you believe it?

I thought that when derby stopped at the end of October that for a little while, my life would slow down. Au contraire... It is almost like I am making more time for things I was too tired to do or I am trying to do EVERYTHING... Let's see... Last weekend was the Kings and Queens Reunion. This week is hair cut, Nerve Conduction Study, Thanksgiving, VOLUNTEERING TO WORK ON FRIDAY, Taunton for the weekend, skating on Sunday, Sponsorship Meeting on Monday and possibly a visit from my Best Friend on Tuesday. Serious... And that is only two weeks in November... Seriously...

December brings me to a Parade and a photo shoot the first weekend... Then a sleigh ride, Brows and lashes appointment, Gymnastics, a girls night out/dinner with friends.... Which happens to coincide with a friend's b-day so I can't go to his festivities.... So, that is a month of stuff spelled out into those two paragraph... WOW.

With work, I am loving my job, and I try to do everything in one day... However, I have been really sick this fall too... Out one week in September, lost my voice in November and then a minute relapse this Monday. Candle... burning... both ends, right?

So, the other thing that has been weighing on me lately is I definitely hate my commute but I think I really like living in Concord. Am I growing roots? I know what isn't growing... BRAKE PADS... I need to get my car fixed too. When I step on my brakes it sounds like a snow plow...

Okay - a month worth of stuff... What do you think?

Closer and closer to monetary bliss

2009-10-24T00:18:00.003-04:00

The bosses at my company FINALLY realized that the "cancer" of a person at my job wasn't doing a damn thing and they fired her today... After a week of her not talking to me... And she called in the last two days and showed up today (only to be fired) smelling like a month old pair of dirty underpants that was lit on fire.

Practice #10 and #11

2009-10-24T00:14:00.002-04:00

I am so close to getting my crossovers - it just isn't coming naturally for me and this coming week is the LAST week before 2 months off... It won't be two months off for me. I will be going to most of the Sunday CMRD practices... I am sure things happened specifically important during these last two practices, but it has been too long.

I know one practice I got to actually participate in a jam, but since I didn't pass my level ones I am not allowed to get hit - so, it was a two minute jam- I really got to see how a blocker works and held my own...

At that same practice I got to practice some weird turns and Woody Yankabitch complemented me...

The girl that told me she was the worst in the league until I showed up changed her tune. She told me I was doing awesome and that the reason why I will get it is, is because of my determination.

Practice #9 Definitely not prepared!!!

2009-10-09T19:23:00.002-04:00

We have our level one assessment on Thursdays Wasn't prepared for that as Empress Explosiva said she was going to test us Sunday...

We did a wicked long/rough drill and then Empress stared our Assessment. I knew I wouldn't pass because I can't CROSS OVER (PESKY CROSS OVERS) but I was so incapable of doing a lot of the stuff she asked us to do at the beginning... To the point where as I was skating I actually started crying... I share this because I was so embarrassed. I was certain that people were looking at me and making fun of my inability to do what everyone else in the group could do... I couldn't believe that they would expect after only being on skates that I would be able to do this... Plus, I thought they passed everybody....

Obviously I didn't pass, but let me tell you when we worked on single knee slides, rock star slides, 180 knee slides, baseball slides and 4 on the floors- I kicked ass.... However, not everyone passes... I know specifically that myself and one other person (who can do crossovers) didn't pass, I believe one more person didn't pass but I am not sure.

This means that everyone else I started with are no longer fresh meat - they are level ones... They can take hits... I don't know what it means to the other girls that didn't pass, let alone how we will be treated at our next practice... I do know there is a girl who has been a fresh meat for over a year... THAT WON'T BE ME!!!!

Practice #8 (considered a practice but not really a practice

2009-10-09T19:14:00.004-04:00

LEAGUE MEETING...

After being a sorority sister for a very long time, Robert's rules of order is something I know well. NHRD doesn't really know how t hat works....

I have really never been to a such a disorganized meeting in my life, at least for someone who had regimented sorority meetings weekly for 4 years of college. There was a huge issue on the table... TEAMING... NHRD would encompass an travel team (Skate Free or Die) then an A League and a B league - names to come later... This information was not provided to the group ahead of time to review and read before the meeting in order to review and come prepared with questions (or at least to my knowledge).

There was no Sergeant at Arms to call on people or tell people to be quiet.

Never thought I would say this but HrX really prepared me for how meetings should be handled and run appropriately.

However, HrX never allowed us to drink beer DURING the meetings...

(I found out after the fact that a league meeting counts as a practice... I wrote in to have my DERBY NAME officially submitted to the Two Evils website... this was the response I got:

Hi Katie,
Ok, I have you on the list for the next batch of names that get sent. I'm supposed to wait until the last batch of names get registered and as of right now, Two Evils is about 5 months behind. It's ridiculous. So... please be patient.
Also, I checked your name for "uniqueness" in the Two Evils Master List and yours came up as a "high risk". That means that there is a chance Two Evils could reject your name because it is very similar to one already registered (Skate Goat). I personally, don't think they would reject yours as I've seen ones even closer that got registered.
I just wanted to warn you in case you'd rather not take the risk of waiting forever for your name to come up, only to then be rejected. If that's the case then you should send me another name. I will let you know when I am sending the new batch of names to Two Evils. Thanks... and congrats!!

Seriously... Skate Goat and Skatey Kat - so not even close.)

Practice #7 with Speedy dan

2009-10-09T18:59:00.004-04:00

We were given a hint that someone was going to be coming to practice and instructing us on endurance... WOWSERS. The nastiest of drills was a line of derby girls, in a line squatting and the last person in the line has to PUSH the whole line for one lap. We had about 15-20 peeps in our line. HOLY HELL!

After that, it was supposed to be a drill for people to do crossovers. PESKY crossovers. I can't do those and was slightly embarrassed to say - HEY BUDDY, I can't do these. So, Terri asked, "What about those people that don't know how to do crossovers?" (let me set the stage... there was probably 50-60 people there as we shared this training session with CMRD) Speedy dan asked for all the people who don't know how to do crossovers to come over to the corner with him... It was myself, Tallulah and some man with a long braid...

This is where it gets interesting:

Speedy dan is showing us the technique Tallulah and I understand but just can't physically do yet and has us practice standing still and crossing our right skate over our left skate....

Tallulah turned to me and said SHE WAS THE WORST SKATER ON THE LEAGUE UNTIL I STARTED!!!! I tried not take it personally but when I told my Fresh Meat girls I burst into tears. LUCKILY we were all sweaty from SPEEDY DAN's endurance training so no one would know the difference. This isn't the first time she has said something like that but the first time i blew it off as she didn't mean it that way...After all of that, she didn't even finish the rest of the practice. She went and sat down and my Fresh Meat girls rallied me on!

This really chapped my ass so I told my skater sister about this and also another skater who has been really awesome to me...

Practice #6 Scrimmage with the Nutcrackers

2009-10-03T15:46:00.003-04:00

You should she the posts on my facebook page from some of my teammates after Thursday's practice:

You did amazing tonight Katie!! I'm so proud of you for trying new things... So brave!!

I can't believe she just started skating a few weeks ago!!!

Skatey Kat..short and sweet...you rocked on the track tonight! :O)

Skatey Kat rocks and is MY inspiration! You keep up that good work and you will be scrimmaging in no time!!!!

YOU are AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!! you did so good last night!!!! keep up the awesome job!!!!

and my all time favorite:
You inspire me!! You don't realize how brave it was for you to do the drill with the 3 groups last night. You could have easily said I don't want to try it because I'm not ready and sat it out. You watched it and you jumped right in. AMAZEABALLS (you're amazing and have balls)!!!

It started out as just a regular practice. I believe we skated one way and did squats while skating and then did just pushing with our left leg and then right leg. After all these warm ups, we did a drill... Three different teams. One the jammer and two blockers. The jammer starts at turn one. The blocker skates out at turn 3 to block the jammer and a 2nd blocker comes out at turn 4. I was scared because the veteran skaters were actually blocking and it was like we were doing a true jam. However, for fresh meat, no contact. I did all three positions and when I was a jammer I almost got through. I got a little nervous that I was afraid I would knock down the other girls. I say this because when someone isn't completely at the same level as another person, I was afraid my inability could trip the other person or hurt the other person SOME HOW so I just kind of got nervous. I was like, "oops sorry, oops, excuse me".... That kind of stuff... But I did it!!!!

I am kind of tired of saying well, I have only been on skates 5 times or Sunday will be my seventh time on skates ever... I think that will pass.

Friday was the opening of Whip It and NHRD had a table up at Chunky's in Nashua. We got to dress up in derby gear and get our name out there and we also got free tix to see Whip It. I was so psyched to see it with my derby girls! Tonight is Appletree cinema. I volunteered again to help out, there just wasn't enough people signing up to do it. Although, I would enjoy sitting at home clearing out my DVR, I will go! I don't feel like showering but I will and get all derbied up!!!!

Can't wait for practice tomorrow. I heard it is going to be an "endurance" practice. I think that means it is going to kick my ass, but I am ready for it.

I want this t-shirt but can only find it in MEDIUM... I am deeply saddened! She has a bandaid and everything!

2009-09-28T14:07:00.001-04:00

Practice #5 - after a whole week....

2009-09-27T22:59:00.004-04:00

Last Sunday we didn't have practice because CMRD (Central Mass Roller Derby) had a fundraiser and I WENT TO SYTYCD on TOUR...

Come Monday morning, I was sicker than a dog... I started not feeling well Saturday and it was like a down hill sprint to sickness... I was supposed to go to a training on Monday in Nashua for how to change my wheels and stuff. Tuesday I was supposed to go to Roby park and practice outside and Thursday I was supposed to got to Tyngsboro, MA for regular practice. I was so sick I didn't do any of these or go to work for 5 days...

Therefore tonight was practice #5... I heard Thursday's practice was over 3 hours of endurance and stamina building that would make even the most competent Fresh Meat almost cry.... I probably picked a good practice to be too sick to practice. Tonight's practice was amazing... Went off with Terri while NHRD scrimmaged against CMRD. FINALLY was able to do a T stop and practiced weaving to the point where a crossover may be coming my way soon. I just need to stretch and get my legs ready for that position....

After being off to the side, we all came together and Tank'd Girl and May B. Knotty ran practice. We did 5 minutes of suicides doing one type of stop... Another 5 minutes of suicides doing a different stop... We did laps and some drills about how to enter back into the track if you get bumped out by a blocker or if you bump out a jammer what to do...

We did some more stop drills... What killed me the most was the last 4 minutes of practice... Two minutes without PICKING YOUR SKATES UP OFF THE FLOOR of doing laps... ALL EIGHT ON THE FLOOR, no picking up a skate to push oneself... KICKED MY ASS... Then after the 2 minutes were up, we turned to skate counter clockwise and do the same thing... HOLY HELL...

3 more practices and I will be able to have my derby name. I am going with SKATEY KAT... Plus my number will be ME0W and the zero is ME0W will have the kitty ears, whiskers and tail... LOVE IT!!!! Some of the fresh meat have great derby names - Terri wants Harmony Lix (like how many licks will it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop... she had to explain it to me.) Melissa wants MZcheif n Mayhem... VERY CREATIVE!!!!

Practice #4 BLOW OUT

2009-09-18T08:51:00.004-04:00

Practice # 4 started out like any of the other past practices. We skated around in a "Sprint" which I can't do yet - CROSSOVERS... ARGH.

We were paired up with our Skater Sister and then we were to pair up with another group. It was Roxie Rollin, her skater sister Fresh Meat Anne - this was Anne's first practice as she was on vacation and couldn't make it to the same practice that this fresh meat group started at - Myself and my skater sister Pixie. This started out that the last person in the line of four had to push the other three people around the track as the other three just stood in their skater stance. As Roxie started pushing and pixie was heading to the front of the Anne went down. I don't remember but I managed to get over her, not touch her and then fall down myself... Anne immediately said her ankle was broken and it definitely was - it was perpendicular and just wrong looking... That puts a damper on practice.

What was amazing was how this group of 25 girls was like a well oiled machine. One girl was on the phone with 911, another girl had an ice pack... It was scary but amazing at the same time. Anne ended up breaking 3 bones and everything in her ankle/foot was dislocated.... She wants to come back and skate! LOVE HER!

Practice #3 9/13

2009-09-18T08:40:00.003-04:00

This practice started out really well. We get to Leominster and CMRD (Central Mass Roller Derby) is practicing and they have a huge group of Fresh Meat (a lot of which haven't ever skated before - made me look like Brian Boitano in comparison! The guy, Ben, who was going over the ins and out of stopping and crossovers really spelled it out for me and I felt I improved LEAPS AND BOUNDS just from Thursday.

After CMRD left the rink, it was time to skate with NHRD and do drills. There weren't many girls there as the All Stars had an away bout in Delaware Saturday and a lot of girls hadn't gotten back from the road trip.

Kissing Bandit was leading the practice and she wanted us to skate in a line and the last person was to weave in and out of the people in front of them until one reached the front of the line and then the last person would go.... YIKES. I say Yikes because we had to maintain an arm's length apart from the person in front of you. I couldn't do that as I haven't mastered the crossover which maintains speed while skating... So, after a few laps of just trying to stay an arm's length - so I just skated around with my Skater Sister working on my stops. I will say, however, this drill almost caused my first cry session. I felt very disheartened that I physically couldn't do what everyone else was doing. It has nothing to do with my size or whatever, it is that I just don't know how to skate that way YET...

Interestingly enough, after this drill was completed, Bandit worked on Whips... This would be propelling another skater forward to get ahead of a pack or what have you. Since I can't stop, propelling me forward isn't a good idea. Also, this is considered contact- which we shouldn't be doing until we are a level 1, but whips are actually for LEVEL 2's. Glad I didn't participate. Even though I didn't participate, it doesn't mean I went and sat down and watched. I skated around and worked on other things because sitting down is like giving up... And I don't give up!

I must say that I didn't fall at all at this practice.

Day 2 on Skates

2009-09-11T08:04:00.002-04:00

Last night was my second practice and what a WORLD of improvement. Let's say that Balance and learning how to stop are still on the top of my to do list, but I didn't fall as much! I think I had more confidence in myself because I survived the 1st practice, too...

Since the All-Stars have a bout Saturday in Delaware, the Fresh Meat (which we are called until we have a derby name; which is earned after 8 practices) were taken to the side and we worked on skills for our first test. Now, all of the Fresh Meat at practice last night have skated more than one time. I kind of felt a little like a fish out of water. That being said, when I am nervous I tend to make stupid jokes that only I think is funny. Therefore, not sure if I came across as annoying but I will tell you that I did my best at every skill they put in front of me. Some of the Fresh Meat in the group went to the Tuesday night practice- which means they are like ready to test to be a level 1... Personally I am as close to testing to be a level 1 as I am close to being Runner Up for Miss America!

We practiced stopping. One is a a Toe Stop - which is dragging the toe of one's skate to slow oneself down using the rubber stop thingie on your skate. I can get that one OKAY. Not perfect because I haven't mastered balance. The next stop is a T stop. I can't get this to save my life because I have to master that wacky thing called balance. It is literally using your lead foot and taking the opposite foot behind that skate perpendicularly to stop yourself. Because I can't really stand on one foot (whilst moving) I haven't quite gotten it yet. Reffington Steele (one of the Ref's who comes to practice to Ref the scrimmages at the end of practice) told me I can put my skates on and stand in my carpeted living room and just stand on one leg. I am going to try that because it won't hurt. Sadly, standing up with out skates on and standing on one leg is ALSO an issue with me. Balance is an issue NORMALLY for me. Not sure if it is a knee issue or what.

Nonetheless, we also practiced PLOW STOPS, which is just like skiing. However, I feel on skates you have to get your legs wider and your body lower. And since it is day 2 of skating my leg muscles haven't developed enough yet to give me that core strength yet to maintain a low stance. (We did a drill called the shopping cart and my skater sister Pixie pushed me around the floor and I had to hold the skater stance and steer. Steering was me not skating or moving my legs it was leaning into a turn and all that.... After me pushing her around and then her pushing me, my legs were MUSH and then I fell. Therefore I need to build up my strength and skating uses muscles really only built up by skating... GREAT!) I was able to figure out how to do the plow stop, but I think I pulled my groin in the process... We then did KNEE stops where, much like football, you take a knee but you skate into it and then in order to pass to the next level of skater, one must take a knee and get back up within 2 seconds. OH YA! You can't use your hands to get up you must use your legs. Another way to stop is the double knee or the ROCK STAR STOP which looks like the guitar pose where said guitarist slides across the stage on his knees... I got that one pretty well. Finally we did the Baseball stop which is basically like sliding into a base. 26 years of softball, I GOT THIS.... I do have some mechanics to work on, but I nailed it!

The part that will kill me is the cross over... This is how one builds up speed and in order to pick up my right foot, put it in front of my left (hence cross over) and push back out with it will come, but almost not fast enough for me....

I feel pretty good about my improvement from my 1st day skating - it is almost like night and day. Sadly, the girl from practice on Sunday who had a really hard time and had actually skated before, didn't show up. I hope she comes back!!!! I know I will.

No pictures yet of me in derby gear. I will work on that. Just keep praying for me that I keep picking it up quickly and I don't hurt myself.

Day 3 on Skates is 9/13! I'll definitely keep you posted!

1st day on skates

2009-09-07T21:02:00.002-04:00

Wow, was it daunting. I really thought it would be easier because all the girls make it look so easy. WRONG...

Thank god I started working out a month ago because if I hadn't I would have been toast yesterday. I still have add more to my work outs because core strength is important.

It was great - but the appropriate stance to not fall down is in a squat. I got pooped out really quickly and my legs were shaking like they were going to give out.

I am really nervous about going to practice Thursday because I was so freaking pooped but we shall see! Everyone just say prayers for me that I can pull this off. 7 more practices til I get my derby name!

Bruised Boutique

2009-09-05T21:18:00.002-04:00

My sister and I went to Nashua today to get my roller derby equipment. I got great skates with red laces and wheels. I got an AWESOME red helmet with a skull on it. I got some more socks, a derby skirt, special back pack to carry my gear and I won a skate key (I GOT A BRAND NEW PAIR OF ROLLER SKATES, I GOT A BRAND NEW KEY).

I was so nervous because I think of this new endeavor as like when I was deciding to pledge a sorority. I mean, I even get a name like a pledge name. I met some great people today who helped me out and the girls were SO nice.

I can't wait to get to practice tomorrow. I know i have never skated before but I can't wait. How long have I said I wanted to be a roller girl? Tomorrow is the day that this dream comes to fruition!

Along with this new endeavor, I am ready for a few more change ups. I am going to cut my hair, change my color and get a little crazy. Pics to come.

Roller Derby reality

2009-09-02T09:12:00.002-04:00

Effective 9/6 I will be a Roller Derby Girl. I want a vicious name - Any Ideas? I was thinking of something w/ KAT in it so I can FINALLY go by KAT somehow.

Kat-a-Klizm
Kat-A-Tonic
Kat Von nasTY

I want a mean/perverse/KICK ASS name.... I was thinking of something that had Kat Fight in it or some sort of play on words with Knight Rider (or something). However, there is an official Roller Derby Registry and I have to make sure A.) no one else has the name B.) it isn't too similiar to anyone on my team. For example: A girl wanted Ali Kaslam but it was too close to someone else's so she will be Cherry Block.

Some of the names of the Jersey team that NH Skate or Die bout'ed against Saturday were horrendous. Don't Care Bear, Panda Gunz, Lil Miss Kamikaze.... I want something that screams my name and is awesome at the same time. I was trying to think of some Kid Rock reference but I am coming up with NADA.... HELP?!?!?!?!? (side note: one girl for the Jersey team was Toni Soprano and her number, because everyone needs a number too, was 4gettaboutit! hehehehe).

Sometimes I just hate Concord

2009-09-01T21:16:00.002-04:00

Tonight - all I wanted to do was pick up the prints I had ordered off of Snapfish.com and I go to pull into the store and someone I don't want to see is getting out of the car to enter the store. I decide to not go in and continue trucking.

Then, I see all these hot rods at the Tuesday night car night at Arnie's. I actually think about pulling in and I see the ever familiar, ratty, white Chevy truck that belongs to a guy that called me a cunt... So, I can't go there.

It just sucks. Makes me want to move to a place where there aren't people ebbing and flowing out of my life that I just don't want to see or share air with. I don't consider myself the type of person that will duck and cover, but it just isn't worth my time, effort or energy to share space with these people.

The Irony of it all is in seeing the ratty white truck, I remembered that he put a NH Skate or Die Roller derby sticker on his dilapadated bumper. Funny to think that come sunday I will be on that team.

Take me out to the ball game?

2009-09-01T21:08:00.003-04:00

Friday a bunch of former coworkers went to the Fisher Cats' game. Originally we all had tickets the day before my last day at liberty and I was going to throw out the 1st pitch. It was pouring and they game HAD to be played because there was no time to make up the game. So, the people that actually went to the game could use their old ticket stub to get a free ticket to any game they wanted. It was decided we would go on August 28th... I lost my ticket so I had to pay the whopping $8 to get a new ticket.

Well, we find our seats and approximately 10 rows in front of me is my first real boyfriend. The boy I lost my virginity to on August 11, 1994.... WITH HIS WHOLE FAMILY. His wife, his kids, his brother, his brother's wife, his wife's sister... Oh ya. Mind you, when my grandmother died this guy's brother was getting married and my mom didn't let me go to my grandmother's funeral because I was to go their wedding on the cape in 1996. Yup, missed my Grandmother' funeral for this family...

This was just surreal because I hadn't seen him since 1999... THE DAY OF GRADUATION... And I liked that I hadn't seen him. Well, he has not aged well. He still has his chicken legs, but he has DEFINITELY thickened up, his forehead has turned into a 6 or 8 head because his hairline is receding and he looks old. Mind you, his birthday is in 2 weeks and he will turn 33, so I am actually older than him... The best part of this is that my friends couldn't believe that HE was my ex and that I was actually older than him. They MADE this into a better event than it could have been. SERIOUSLY... They kept asking me if he was my professor in college and how did I know his real birthday because he looks far too old to actually be younger than me... Just made it better.

Sadly, a flood of emotions came into my brain about seeing this guy again. He is the only serious boyfriend I have ever had that I have dated for over a year... 2.5 years from the time I was 18 til I was 20. I thought I was going to be with him for the rest of my life. I am okay that we are not together because he did some hurtful things and said some even more hurtful things. In fact, what he said was SO hurtful to me that I still can't get over what he said and it has been over 10 years since he said them to me....

Nonetheless, while I know that I am the cutest person EVER, it makes me feel a million times better to know that this guy looks older than Methuselah.

Once bitten, now dog shy

2009-08-31T10:02:00.001-04:00

I went to a friend's house yesterday. I had never been to her house before and she has a 9 year old Rottweiler. I don't like big dogs. He came up to me in the drive way, and I kind of just backed away. Not trying to show fear but just overwhelmed with a 125 lb dog that if he stood up on his hind legs would be taller than me (yes, I know that isn't saying much but still)...

Later on, my friend got a phone call and I stepped outside to give her privacy, I decided to walk over to the dog and pat him. MISTAKE. RED FLAG. STUPID... He had his back in the corner (mistake number one) and I just walked up with my hand out to pat, pat, pat on his head (MISTAKE TWO, didn't let him smell me first.) In doing so he just chomped down on my right hand and my TIFFANY'S RING... I didn't yell (I don't think), I didn't scream. I just said, "Your dog bit me" and the family was around me in seconds... I noticed my ring was bent so I quickly removed it and had a little in print from part of the ring in my hand... It didn't really hurt, I was just in shock.... UNTIL I TURNED MY HAND OVER... BLOOD EVERYWHERE... We went inside and rinsed it off and I had a deep puncture wound. We cleaned it out and put a band-aid on it and was good to go...

I was impressed with myself for not freaking out - however, I know from past experiences that when I am seriously hurt I don't freak, so I knew I had moderately hurt myself. Today I have a few teeth mark bruises and a little stiffness in my hand. Not bad.

I didn't want to make a scene and make a big deal out of it because I didn't want to embarrass the dog owner because I was a guest in her house. Plus, she has kids and I didn't want to scare the kids. I hope I acted appropriately.

Accepting any and all referrals

2009-08-25T15:03:00.000-04:00

So, I went to therapy last night, already thinking I need a new therapist. I told him how softball ended last week and how I may play on a flag football team and that roller derby starts for me on 9/6... He had the audacity to say, "YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN BORN A GUY!"

Now 24 hour later girl thinks of this just now and realizes WTF? I told him that I am not the kind of girl that sits back and fawns over a guy who plays sports, I will get in there and play and show him just how good I am at the sport... How does that make me man material?

Vanity Plates

2009-08-07T07:41:00.008-04:00

I am the biggest advocate for Vanity Plates - especially in NH because it is so cheap. I have always had them. My first car was K8T-M - LOVED IT. I had come up with K8T in middle school and thought I was rad to the max.

My parents have always had vanity plates as well. On one car was MILLS and the other car was +MILLS... So, when they parked in the driveway it was say MILLS+MILLS... Aw, how cute... When I got old enough I should have gotten =4MILLS (get it? In parking in the driveway it would say MILLS+MILLS=4MILLS - THAT'S A LAUGH RIOT). When I got to college, my friends just started calling me MILLS (because I lived with two other Katie's). So, when I got a newer vehicle (other than my '82 Ford Escort, self proclaimed sport coup) I got &Mills on my license plate. So, when I would come home to visit and park in the drive way it would say MILLS+MILLS&MILLS. We are so effing creative... Interestingly enough my dad has kept the old plates (when NH upgraded their boring plates to have the Man in the Mountain on them) and over the garage doors he has each parking stall labeled with the old plates... Hehehehe.

The point of this blog is that while driving to work the other day I saw an ugly, toaster looking Scion that had a vanity plate that read J+J4eva. I NEARLY vomitted in my mouth a little when I read that. I thought to myself, "Really? Do they really think 4eva exists"? Is it like a tattoo? Like the minute you get someone's name tattooed on you, it is like a death sentence for the relationship; a count down to its demise?

I can speak from experience on this. In 2003, I went to AutoServ of Concord. My 1994 White Chevy Cavalier (which was a Lexus in comparison to the '82 Ford Escort) was just falling apart. I heard the ads for KIA "Do you have a job? Do you have $199?" so I went to get one, anything was better than the Cavalier. Well, all the Kias they had were junk (and in the long run I learned ALL KIAS are JUNK, but that's a story for another day) so the salesman showed me a USED 2002 Kia Optima. Long story short, I bought it (and am still paying for it along w/ my PT CRUISER).

When I bought the Kia I was seriously dating a guy. We were living together, we were moving to Kittery together and renting a HOUSE together. This was the most serious I had ever been in a relationship. What did I do to show my undying love and affection for this guy? I got KEVSGRL on my license plate.... I remember having the conversation with him telling him I had a surprise for him and I told him I was doing it to show the world I was his girl... He said that he wasn't asking me to do it but he appreciated it.

Well, when the whole relationship when to shit, I still had to drive around with that damn license plate! So, I wonder if J+J4eva really put any thought into how long 4eva is... Maybe 4eva means just until the next registration period on that ugly Scion?

(SIDE BAR: I wanted to say that I still have a vanity plate, the previous KEVSGRL decision didn't get me to forget my love of all plates vanity. Mine currently says MI11SIE (which you wouldn't believe causes so many questions... MY elevensies? My onesies? IT'S MILLSIE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, ever heard of creativity?) My sister has a vanity plate as well MILLZ (it could be just plain Mills or Millsie too)... We rock the vanity plates in good ole NH.)

Leaving Las Vegas

2009-08-07T07:28:00.003-04:00

Yesterday whilst driving to work, the radio show I listen to was discussing the amount of drinks a person can drink TO KILL HIM/HERSELF... What? It was if a person sat down and drank one right after the other (no food, no break) and obviously not for shits and giggles to try out, but for a "Leaving Las Vegas-type of purpose".

Just a side note from the point of this blog for a moment... Have you seen Leaving Las Vegas? That movie has scared me for life. Yes, Nicholas Cage's character wanted to die. Yes, he wanted to drink himself to death. Yes, he met a hooker and ultimately fell in love with her... THIS IS WHERE I WOULD HAVE CHANGED MY MIND, you see. Once I found someone, hooker or not, and fell in love I would have put down the bottle. Nonetheless, like most men, Nicholas Cage's character had a plan and he couldn't derail from that. RUBBISH...

Okay - so a 200lb man would presumably kill himself if he sat down and drank the following (not all of them together because OF COURSE that would wreak havoc on one's innards but each amount of one liquor would shut a guy down for good).

23 Tequila shots
10 Long Island Ice Teas (and honestly back in the day I think I cam close to this amount once)
27 Glasses of RED WINE
32 Bud Light Bottles (I think I know some sigma brothers who have tried that and survived!)

Now a 130lb woman:
13 Shots of Rum
14 Margaritas
15 (or 13 because it was hard to drive, listen and write this down) Appletini's
The last one i missed the number but I think it was 10 pints of Guinness (but that doesn't seem like too much)...

However, this is sitting down and just drinking like you were in a Nathan's Hot dog eating contest. I didn't post this for my friends to take this as a challenge. Albeit, I am sure some people heard this on the radio and thought, "I WILL PROVE THEM WRONG". That is not my point. While I love a drink as much as the next guy, I can't imagine sitting down and saying, "Good-bye cruel world, may I have another". That's where I am a silver lining kind of girl...

Odd feeling

2009-08-04T20:07:00.002-04:00

I had a softball game tonight. It wasn't for my regular team THUNDERBALLS. It was a pick up game Bedford Fire department vs. Bedford Police Department - when I heard that they needed players for the FD I was all for it... THINKING THERE MAY BE SOME HANDSOME MEN THERE...

There were some handsome men on the PD - ALL EFFEN MARRIED... Which I think got me into a funk. I got up 5 times, and was 1-4 (on an error by the third baseman who I think did it on purpose, even though we won 16-5)... However, the whole point of this blog is that I had absolutely no one to call and tell this too. I texted my sister, no response. I thought about texting Holly but she was probably busy with her kids. Marianne was probably with Ryan, Lisa probably putting Ashley to bed... Notice these are all females? Absolutely no guy to chit chat/flirt with... That' s sad. EXTREMELY SAD. My therapist said, "lose another 30-40lbs and MAYBE the guys will come chasing after you... NICE... So, I am just sad.

Even my co-worker said she was falling in love. I say this because if anyone has heard me talk about my older co-worker would know that I am HANDS DOW more gorgeous than her (well, duh! But seriously.) That's what gets me thinking WTF... ON facebook I saw that the biggest loser at my high school, who we all questioned if he actually bathed at all, IS MARRIED. Mind you, she appears to be a wicked winner but still... HOW COME EVEN THE LOSER OF MY CLASS GETS LOVE? It isn't like I am not putting myself out there, but JUMPIN JEHOSAFAT!!!! I am not a leper...

Sorry - I just had to vent because I am 28 lbs down and feel great and am working hard and making a lot of life style changes and it feels like it is all for naught and secretly I would like to get a large Hawaiian pizza delivered and just hoover it down.... AARRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

Courtesy

2009-08-04T09:08:00.004-04:00

I am so "Big Brother is watching me" it is sad. I refuse to get a bank account because I am sick of ATM fees and overdraft fees and all that BS. I refuse to get the easy pass (because I don't have a bank account) and I don't want the DOT in my business. In order to cash my paycheck, I go to wal-mart (hence all the posts about wal-mart). This morning I got up early so I could cash my paycheck and also put some money on my H&R Block card. I go to the customer service desk and waited behind a very filthy man with chicken legs.

When it is my turn to do my business, this woman on a cell phone walks up about 5 inches behind me and waits. When someone is in front of me in line, I give them a wide birth so they don't feel crowded, this woman was all up in my kool-aid and it was making me WICKED uncomfortable. Then, still on her cell phone, interrupts the Customer Service person to say that she has been waiting in line for far too long and has to be to work in 10 minutes and needs her transaction to be quick. She starts bitching and moaning about how so many people have just walked by her that are Wal-Mart employees but no one can run a register. Now, honestly, I have thought the same things, but not aloud to the lone employee who is working her ass off, you know? The rude, personal space invader keeps spewing out and I actually said aloud, "YOU NEED TO SHUT YOUR FACE". She didn't hear me because she was still on the phone.

The reason why I think there should be courtesy in line because I cashed my work check and that is pretty substantial and she was literally causing me a wedgie (THAT'S HOW UP MY ASS SHE WAS). The employee was counting back my payroll check and this woman, who said she was going to work in 10 minutes but had on umbro gym shorts, was breathing down my neck DEFINITELY making plans to pick pocket me.

What pleased me is that the Customer Service lady took her sweet ass time doing my request. LOVE HER. Wanted to go back and check in with her after I went and bought my peppermint chap stick (another story) but I didn't want to be late myself.

My question - when you stand behind someone in a line and they move up to the counter, what is your courtesy personal space zone? I give like 5 feet, I swear! Sometimes when people go up to a bank counter or a customer service desk they need their space/room for privacy, why doesn't everyone feel that way?

Seriously?

2009-07-31T09:34:00.005-04:00

Sometimes I have to ask myself... Seriously? Seriously?

Like the other day driving in Taunton with Marianne, the light was so long, I just looked at it and said, Seriously Light? Seriously?

When I ordered my Coach bag and the dufus girl had it shipped to my house instead of the store (where I requested it to be sent) and then the box comes to my door with COACH written all over it and the fed ex guy put the delivery slip on my door with an ARROW POINTING DOWN TO THE BOX in case I didn't see the big ass mofo COACH BOX... I was like, Seriously Fed ex? Seriously?

At the Kid Rock show, the row in front of our row was handicap accessible and the family in front of us left, every five minutes some group of people would try to snag the seats and the same kick ass lady would come over and escort them out. After the 15th time, I was like Seriously drunkies? Seriously?

Um, what else? Oh, at work, the 21 year old passes the buck on everything. She did something wrong and it is like the old Family Circle cartoon where "Someone else" (the invisible kid where a t-shirt ran around the house making the mess where a t-shirt that says "SOMEONE ELSE" on it, or something like that) did it. Today, ultimately she threw me under the bus for some embellishments she made and finally said (and I quote), "If a note had been made to begin with, I wouldn’t have to recall anything and it would have never been brought up." Seriously douche? Seriously? There' are 5 people in the whole damn company, SOME DAY it is going to be HER FAULT, don't you think? Seriously!

Hmmmmm. Are there more? I am sure, the day is still young and I am WICKED over tired and punchy STILL... Instead of things that make you go Hmmmmmmm, it should be stupid shit that makes you say SERIOUSLY? But I don't think that would sell records for C&C Music Factory.

Just Chillin' like a K.I.D.

2009-07-30T10:17:00.002-04:00

Last night I saw Kid Rock perform for the 2nd time and I definitely more in love than I have ever been before. Don't tell anyone, but I enjoyed that show more than DAVE. I feel the need to see him again. I sang every single song he sang, my seats were so close I could see his American Bad ass tattoo w/o my glasses when he took his shirt off - oh and when he took his shirt off. ME-freakin'-OW baby.

He definitely puts on a show. I am in awe and amazement. He played Rock'n'Roll Pain train, You ain't never met a mofo quite like me, Son of Detroit and Cocky... If he had played Early Morning Stoned Pimp, Rock'n'Roll, Blue Jeans and a Rosary and Sugar - I would have died a happy Katie. However, I am happy that he didn't play all the songs I wanted to hear because now I MUST go back and see him again. He even did a mash up to one of his earlier songs (Wastin Time) and in the background and in between each verse it was Sweet Child of Mine (I think) by Guns'n Roses. OH YA...

Not only did he perform- running all over the stage and sing his brains out. Kid played the guitar, piano, spinned (or is it spun) some records (while pouring a shot of Jim Beam AND lighting a stogy) then he played the drums. He is amazing. I can't wait for his new album to come out and for him to tour again. I have to buy the new Rolling Stone too - he is in it...

Kid Rock + Katie Mills 4 eva!

SYTYCD

2009-07-28T09:26:00.002-04:00

For those who watched me on the Mole, I am known to be a cryer. I thought I got over it, but recently it has come back with a vengeance.

Never in my life have a seen a dance that moved to me tears. Last Wednesday, Melissa and Ade on So You Think You Can Dance did a Tyce Diorio (or as Marianne likes to say Tasty Oreo) contemporary routine about a woman dealing with breast cancer and it was so moving I got chills and cried... I mean sobbed, like a blubbering purple mess... Then, when NIGEL LITHGOW (the executive producer) choked up and then had to turn around to compose himself. LOST IT...

I bought tickets for the tour on Saturday - They better be doing that on tour!

What's in a name?

2009-07-13T12:55:00.002-04:00

You entered: Mary-Elizabeth Katherine Mills
There are 27 letters in your name.Those 27 letters total to 130There are 10 vowels and 17 consonants in your name.
Your number is: 4
The characteristics of #4 are: A foundation, order, service, struggle against limits, steady growth.

The expression or destiny for #4:Order, service, and management are the cornerstones of the number 4 Expression.

Your destiny is to express wonderful organization skills with your ever practical, down-to-earth approach. You are the kind of person who is always willing to work those long, hard hours to push a project through to completion. A patience with detail allows you to become expert in fields such as building, engineering, and all forms of craftsmanship. Your abilities to write and teach may lean toward the more technical and detailed. In the arts, music will likely be your choice. Artistic talents may also appear in such fields as horticulture and floral arrangement, as well. Many skilled physicians and especially surgeons have the 4 Expression.

The positive attitudes of the 4 Expression yield responsibility; you are one who no doubt, fulfills obligations, and is highly systematic and orderly. You are serious and sincere, honest and faithful. It is your role to help and you are required to do a good job at everything you undertake.

If there is too much 4 energies present in your makeup, you may express some of the negative attitudes of the number 4. The obligations that you face may tend to create frustration and feelings of limitation or restriction. You may sometimes find yourself nursing negative attitudes in this regard and these can keep you in a rather low mood. Avoid becoming too rigid, stubborn, dogmatic, and fixed in your opinions. You may have a tendency to develop and hold very strong likes and dislikes, and some of these may border on the classification of prejudice.

The negative side of 4 often produces dominant and bossy individuals who use disciplinarian to an excess. These tendencies must be avoided. Finally, like nearly all with 4 Expression, you must keep your eye on the big picture and not get overly wrapped up in detail and routine.

Your Soul Urge number is: 5
A Soul Urge number of 5 means: The 5 soul urge or motivation would like to follow a life of freedom, excitement, adventure and unexpected happening. The idea of travel and freedom to roam intrigues you. You are very much the adventurer at heart. Not particularly concerned about your future or about getting ahead, you can seem superficial and unmotivated.
In a positive sense, the energies of the number 5 make you very adaptable and versatile. You have a natural resourcefulness and enthusiasm that may mark you as a progressive with a good mind and active imagination. You seem to have a natural inclination to be a pace-setter. You are attracted to the unusual and the fast paced. You may be overly restless and impatient at times. You may dislike the routine work that you are engaged in, and tend to jump from activity to activity, without ever finishing anything. You may have difficulty with responsibility. You don't want to be tied down to a relationship, and it may be hard to commit to one person.

Your Inner Dream number is: 8
An Inner Dream number of 8 means: You dream of success in the business or political world, of power and control of large material endeavors. You crave authority and recognition of executive skills. Your secret self may have very strong desire to become an entrepreneur.

(To find out this about yourself - got to http://www.paulsadowski.com/Numbers.asp )

Why I don't driver on 7/4

2009-07-04T13:50:00.004-04:00

I am a fraidy-cat, that's why... I have had multiple MVA's - I was hit by a pizza delivery guy, I rear-ended someone in Maine, and I was hit by a mustang in a Wal-Mart parking lot all on 7/4. I also got my first (and only - knock on wood) speeding ticket on 7/4. PLUS, my last accident, which was 12/8/2007 - the guy driving the car that ripped off my bumper, his date of birth was 7/4....

With all that being said, I am not agoraphobic today, I just REFUSE to drive. I just got a text from a friend asking me to come to a BBQ at her house. I explained that I don't drive and to quote her she said, "EVEN IF YOU DRIVE NOW"? I wanted to say, "Is today STILL 7/4"?

Last year I have great memories of a great day, I was chauffeured all day and there was the start of a budding romance as well... 1 year later, sitting in my apartment, drinking white wine, it just started raining and my DVR is empty... Oh well... I have three movies from Netflix (Taken, Revolutionary Road, and Bride Wars... Sounds like a fun filled day!

When it rains it pours (especially with the weather we have been having lately)

2009-06-30T19:56:00.002-04:00

Um, so today was my first day at my new job and I love it. However, I check my voicemail when I get out of the office and I have a voicemail from PRIMEX (the Concord job I have been WAITING to hear from)... They want 3 letters of reference... I haven't heard JACK from them in over 2 weeks and the DAY I start my new, fantastic job (that fills me w/ happiness) THEY CALL? What is this all about?

You are SOOOOO dead to me SHAW'S

2009-06-29T20:49:00.002-04:00

I went and did my sister's grocery shopping as she has a broken foot and has been really under the weather this weekend. Normally, when I do this for her, she writes a check and then I write it for $25 over as payment for my services.

Today there was a DOUCHE BAG manager who wouldn't allow me to write the check over the amount. I have done this multiple times and advised the DB of this and still she continued her douchebagery and wanted me to write a 2nd check... I was like listen CHILD, I have done this multiple times, this is how you do it. Nope, DB!!!

So, I apologized up and down to the nice gentleman behind me who was buying at least 20 Blue Powerades, took my receipt and stormed out of there without my $25. I was texting my sister to advised of the DB and the guy behind me in line was actually parked next to me. He was very kind and advised me that I should call corporate Shaw's and advise them of what transpired. I called the manager of Shaw's and he had already left for the day so I was placed on the phone with the Night Manager. He said his name twice and both times he said them too fast. He was very kind and explained what may have occurred and said next time to ask for the DB's manager and he will allow it... I should have done this before I left but there was a huge line behind me. I didn't have to get mean with the night manager and say we were bringing our business elsewhere because he was very kind.

However, in talking with my sister, she may take her shopping to Hannaford's.... Yay sis...

Weird question - am I over analyzing myself?

2009-06-25T18:20:00.001-04:00

There is a tattooed boy who delivers me my salads from Kaylens - today he choked and was like not breathing in or something when he left... So, in the back of my head, I am thinking, is it my breath?

A so-called friend told me recently (in front of people) that my breath smelled like I ate shit - and now I am afraid CONSTANTLY that my breath is bad...

Can I chalk this up to a coincidence or should I continue analyzing it and be afraid that my Kaylens delivery boy BF thinks I have stinky breath?

Feeling kind of empty

2009-06-23T16:11:00.004-04:00

I don't know how to explain it. I am not the kind of person who needs a boyfriend or has to have one all the time. In the 33 years of my existence I have been single longer than I have been in a relationship. That being said, lately I have been feeling like something is missing. Not sure what or how. I mean, I am feeling good about myself again and I think therapy and changing my life goals have really put everything I need in perspective. BUT SOMETHING IS AMISS.

Maybe I am in heat or something but I am checking out every guy I see, especially looking at his left hand to see if there is a ring. I have NEVER been like this. Could this be a biological clock thing (although I have NEVER wanted to have kids)? Could it be a boredom thing since I am currently in between jobs? Who knows. What could it be?

I am not looking for a relationship, I am not looking for a hook up. I don't know what I am looking for, I just feel like a piece of me is missing - which is odd. The other day I was watching TV and I almost reached for the phone to find a phone number for an ex so I could tell him that SPONGE BOB was going to be appearing somewhere this weekend and I was sure his kids would love it. Um, the last time I spoke with this person he called me the C word, um, I don't want to talk to him or tell him anything. Why did I have that fleeting thought? Could it just be that it isn't worth the effort of anger? Do I miss him? HELL NO!

I am just confused. I don't know what caused this confusion. Maybe it is due to lack of me being able to relax that having nothing on my plate has caused me to actually delve inside to my own thoughts. Specifically the thoughts I have no control over - but what is that going to do? I have more important fish to fry, like obtaining a job... Who knows. However, if you know any eager and willing men send them my way.

The Barley House

2009-06-22T16:05:00.002-04:00

Marianne came up to visit Saturday and we decided to go out. The only place I have ever really gone out to, other than Penuche's (which I think is a gay bar) is The Barley House. Although the "bouncer" was a sour puss and didn't laugh at either Marianne or my jokes, it didn't deter us from having a good time.

The bar area is kind of small but we hunkered down and started chatting up with the bar tenders - quasi handsome young men (however, I think I am in heat anyway so it doesn't matter). Marianne and I had some beers, some shots, met quite a few drunk guys and closed the place down. Even though we missed last call (which kept me from having to buy a round of shots - maybe it was sheer luck), the drinks and company were great.

While I don't think that I could walk into that place solo and hang out, I do feel better knowing I have a place I can go in Concord. Can't wait to go back!

Big Bag of Nerves

2009-06-17T19:18:00.003-04:00

I had my second interview today for a job I REALLY want... I think I may have gotten cocky because a person from the NH Department of Labor called the people who interviewed me during the 1st interview to sing my praises. He outright told me that he doesn't go to bat for anyone. So, I think in my head I had this sign, sealed and delivered. Plus, I looked so DAMN HOT today that if they were actually basing their decision on HOTNESS, hands down I would already have been offered the position. My outfit was slammingly appropriate, my make-up and hair came out great - what else could I have asked for?

The same two women who interviewed me last week called me into a different conference room from before. Then someone new came into the room. It was the guy who HIRED the current CEO of the company. He asked me mostly all the same questions from the 1st interview and I am very adept at verbalizing how awesome I am. That was it for the verbal part of the interview. He excused himself and then they handed me their test!!!! (Might I add when I signed in today they had the same sign in sheet from Friday and only 1 other person had signed in since Friday for an interview).

This test was to write a letter denying something that wasn't worker's compensation related. Seriously, no problem. The 2nd part was to fill out initial paperwork (which at my current employment we have PEOPLE that do that for us) and I had to reserve this file. I have never done initial reserves for claims nor have I done this paperwork - but I had an idea on how to do so. My only issue was that this file should have paperwork filled out for Partial Disability - and I didn't know the formula to do so (I use a calculator provided by the DOL). So, I made a rough estimate in my mind.

Man, I hope I mailed it. I really want this job. I don't think I have ever wanted anything so badly. PLEASE SEND ME POSITIVE VIBES!

I watched the movie Yes Man last night and I really think it has such a positive message and I think I need to take from that movie and use it in my own life... YES, YES, YES I will get this job!!!!

Sweet Love Hangover

2009-06-15T18:46:00.004-04:00

I love movies. Recently there have been two block busters that I have actually seen twice in the theatre... The only time before this that I remember watching a movie twice in the theatre was FORREST GUMP! I remember my friend telling me that he saw The Matrix 9 times in the theatre. I am not that bad... (But the Matrix is a great movie).

I saw Star Trek twice - OH MY LORD DAY... I have a kinship with William Shatner because we were born on the same day. However, I wouldn't call myself a Trekkie... I am a fan of Heroes and I love Zachary Quinto and that piqued my interest in this movie. And who doesn't love a good action flick... It was just as good the 2nd time as it was the first time.

I saw The Hangover twice - HILARIOUS... The first time I saw it, opening weekend, there were five people in the theatre. The 2nd time, this past weekend, I went with three friends and the theatre was PACKED... IT was just great to see how other people reacted to the humor and it enabled me to remember the great movie quotes even better...

I RECOMMEND BOTH movies... I can't wait til they come out on video. Now, in a little over a week TRANSFORMERS is out. Next one I will see, will I see it twice???? I will keep you posted

Roller Derby here I come

2009-06-14T21:45:00.003-04:00

I went to see the NH Roller derby team Skate free or die on Saturday and fell instantly in love. I can't wait to try out. I even came up with a good roller derby name. Kat-ASS-Trophy..... (pronounced catastrophe)... I love the out fits, the style, the roughness and everything about it. I can't wait to try out.

I want everyone to come and watch me kick some serious roller derby behind...

You know what?

2009-06-10T20:57:00.003-04:00

You know how I know that I have lost more weight? I can cross my legs... Before, I had gained SO much weight that I couldn't cross my legs... I was so disappointed in myself. But now I can do it!!!! YAY ME!!!!

My top 10 Favorite DAVE MATTHEWS BAND songs and why

2009-06-09T20:16:00.003-04:00

1.) Dancing Nancies - 23 so tired of life, such a shame to throw it all away... At 23 when I first heard this song, I thought Dave was actually singing to me specifically.

2.) Grey Street - There's a loneliness inside her and she'll do anything to fill it in. And though it's red blood bleeding from her now it feels like cold blue ice in her heart. She feels like kicking out all the windows and setting fire to this life. She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright, but all the colors mix together to grey..
Seriously, when I get my sleeve tattoos, on my left arm, somehow, those lyrics will be in that tattoo. This is just a beautiful song.

3.) Crush - before these crowded streets came out just as I was coming back from Spain - this song is part of the DMB orgasm trifecta (three specific songs played back to back to back could cause orgasm, I swear). AM I RIGHT SIDE UP OR UPSIDE DOWN, IS IT REAL OR AM I DREAMING?

4.) Grace is Gone... This song came out after I saw Dave at the Garden (the first time I ever saw him in doors and I didn't know the name of this song but thought it was beautiful... It doesn't hurt that my niece's name is Grace and I want to take her to see Dave when she is older...
One drink to remember then one drink to forget. I think of every day to find a love like you again.... OH to have love like this...

5.) Say Good-bye... my roommate in Spain had the crash CD and I just listened to this song over and over again... Loving the words and how beautiful they are. Plus, Dave never sings the song the same way - and I believe the first time I saw Dave they sang this song... It is heaven! (one of the Orgasm Trifecta)

6.) All Along the Watchtower - if Dave hits the high note at the end of this song, it is the final part of the DMB orgasm trifecta! This song is the ultimate last song - especially the way it was played day 1 at Fenway this year. Tim Reynolds guitar solo went into Stairway to Heaven and then back to watchtower... Hey... NO REASON TO GET EXCITED!!!!

7.) Long Black Veil. This song is a favorite because this CD I put in a jukebox at what used to be my favorite bar in Keene. I have this theory that most of my favorite songs are either song 7 or 8 on a disc and I got to play this song every time I was at my favorite bar. Plus, I first heard this song on a tribute show to Johnny Cash!

8.) Angel - I love this song because it reminds of a line from my favorite movie - Eddie and the Cruisers - "Words and music man, words and music." What amazes me about this song is how beautiful the words of the song are and how glorious the music is. How did they decide these words with those particular notes? It is beautifully orchestrated. (this song is also a number 8 on a CD). Plus, a friend of mine told me once to call him if Dave sang this song, so I did, so it makes me think of a friend.

9.) Gravedigger - I love this song even more so after hearing it both nights at Fenway this year when Dave and Willie sang it together. I want this song played at my funeral and if they release the version of Willie and Dave together -I want that one played at my funeral.

10.) Spoon. Dave and Alanis together. Pure Magic...

Unanswered Prayers

2009-06-04T20:14:00.008-04:00

My facebook status this afternoon was: things are so much rosier in my land of make believe!

I think that for every single action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Now, I didn't coin that theory but I believe it. Today I got a text from a friend of mine and that person was at a bar. Man oh man, did I want to have a pint or four this afternoon. I received a picture of a full pint glass via text and the subject said said, "Had to have one". I texted back, " Lucky Bastard. That looks delectable." No response... Time went by and nothing. In my land of make believe I received a text that said, " Hurry up and get out of work. Meet me at the bar and I will buy you a beer!" My land of make believe is ROSIER. That text doesn't exist in the real world.

Later on when I got home I decided to have a glass of wine. All I have here is red wine, not my favorite, but beggars can't be choosers. So, I took a picture of my glass of wine and sent it to my friend. My friend said, " I see you are imbibing yourself. lol" (Btw, I hate LOL - but that is another blog for another day). I texted back, "Ya. Having 1 glass. Need to boost my spirits (no pun intended). And nothing... I could seriously here crickets and it's not because my slider was open.

In my land of make believe (now this isn't too difficult) I received a text stating something like WHY DO YOU NEED TO BOOST YOUR SPIRITS? or something asking me why the funk, you know? And nothing...

This leads me to believe that I either have a vivid imagination of how I should be treated or no one really understands me and what I want. Maybe it is a sign to tell me that the person from whom I want this validation isn't the person to give it to me? Which I am sure is the point because Garth Brooks wouldn't sing about it if it wasn't the truth... Nonetheless, I crave this attention and I am ready for this attention, but why am I not getting it?

So, who ever coined the theory of every action has an equal and opposite reaction based that theory on the fact that whatever KATIE MILLS wants to happen, the result is the equal and opposite response. Thanks DUDE. You suck.

*** Addendum***
About an hour and a half (or more) from my last text, I got one from my friend. We chatted back and forth and I told my friend that since I was in a weird mood could he say something that would make me smile... The text back was, "Tomorrow is Friday and Dave Matthews is waiting to see you Saturday". This made me smile (although I will not be attending the Hartford shows), it definitely shows a valiant effort... SMILES.

The Zen of Sarcasm

2009-06-03T13:57:00.000-04:00

The Zen of Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

AND 22 . Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Appropriate

2009-05-21T10:19:00.001-04:00

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone..

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".

26. Always choose life.

27. Forgive everyone everything.

28. What other people think of you is none of your business.

29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.

30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

31. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

32. Believe in miracles.

33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

36. Your children get only one childhood.

37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

41. The best is yet to come.

42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

43. Yield.

44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Katie 2k9 - NEW EDITION

2009-05-15T09:52:00.003-04:00

I have decided that for the past 33 years I have lived my life for everyone else other than Katie Mills. I have also decided that it is time for me to only worry about myself, my well being and put myself first.

For 33 years I have put the well being, feelings, concerns of everyone else before mine. I have been a people pleaser. I thought that if I was concerned with helping everyone else that it would in turn make me happy. I have finally learned that I was wrong.

Months back I came to an epiphany that out of all the people on this planet, not a single person has the priority or necessity to put me as his/her number one priority... I was wrong. I AM THAT PERSON, IT IS ME!

At age 33 I am a brand new version of myself, a new and improved Katie Mills - Katie 2K9. This version is not going to let people use her niceness for their personal gain or appear to have welcome tattooed across her back. This Katie is going to look at things with a whole new light and do things that will be for her own greater good. This is superbly important. I have been riding through life barely participating in my own journey but directly influencing other people's journeys. None the less, it hasn't always been reciprocated. I do a lot of things that aren't really reciprocated back to me and that is going to end.

The only thing that I don't wish to end is my obsession to send people cards for birthdays and anniversaries. My birthday is my favorite day of the year so I feel it is gravely important to let people know I remember his/her day. I got 4 birthday cards this year. 4. 3 from family, one from a friend. I kept the card up from my friend until last week. The card almost made me weep. See, that's why I send them. So, even though the card may not be reciprocated, I know it touches SOMEONE as much as that 1 card I got from a friend touched me.

Katie 2k9 is out there, keeping her own best interest in mind and that's it. She is a very happy camper and enjoying each minute of her new role in her own life.

Skinny Biatch

2009-05-13T20:54:00.002-04:00

Well, maybe not yet, but feeling kick ass. I put on a pair of pants today that I haven't worn in over 6 months. That' sawesome. So the diet and working out is WORKING...

I don't know what to think

2009-05-12T08:39:00.002-04:00

This morning, minding my own business, driving to work I see the car of someone I know turning onto Loudon Road. I brace myself for what is to come, a glance at a face of someone I once thought I loved and haven't spoken to in 5 months.

I know I am over it and don't want to be with him because his children sucked the life out of me and he sucked the money out of my bank account (not on purpose but by me trying to please). However, he drives by today and WAVES! Um, what? You now want to acknowledge my existence after calling me the C word? Um, I don't accept your acknowledgement.

Am I being spiteful, stupid or just making a mountain out of a mole hill?

1.800. COMCAST

2009-05-10T09:59:00.005-04:00

Yesterday was a very busy day for me. It started out with an hour long walk (in the weight room of my apartment complex) walking 3.54 miles. I then met up with some friends to go to a flea market in Derry for some knock off bags. Then I met up with my sister to go to the outlets in Tilton. By the time I got home, after some TORRENTIAL down pours, I was ready to kick back and catch up on my 89% full DVR... When I turn on my TV it states that this channel will be available in a few moments and seeing that it was channel 4, I realized I wasn't on a pay station... I figured this was all due to the storm earlier so I put in a DVD from Netflix that I think I have had since the Oscars (which was February, right?)

So, I watched Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Quite interesting. However, at its completion I was ready to delve into my DVR stuff so I could recline on my futon and catch some Zzzz's before I retire to the boudoir, which is my normal, every night routine. It still said channel 4 would be ready in a few moments. Odd. So, I call 1.800.Comcast.

I was quickly on the line with a nice man named Eric. I advised that although the channel wasn't showing, the record light was on and I hoped it was recording HARPER'S ISLAND. Eric advised it was not. Much to my chagrin, I asked if it is on demand and thankfully he said yes. He started to tell me that there was also an online component to the game and how the online component is a lot like this TV show called the MOLE....

I STOPPED DEAD IN MY TRACKS and asked him to repeat himself. He said, the show the MOLE and then proceeded to ask me if I had seen it... I didn't beat around the bush at all. I asked him if he had watched the second season and he had. I quickly advised him that he was SPEAKING with Katie Mills from the second season of the Mole, the girl from Penacook, NH. He was SO taken aback. He quickly asked if I changed my name to Mary-Elizabeth after the show and I explained that Mary-Elizabeth is my legal name and I have always gone by Katie - and I thought it had made me mole-y because Katie wasn't even my real name.

While he was trouble shooting my cable, he told me that he has Season 2 on DVD and he bought it from AMAZON.COM. (I, myself, only have "bootleg" copies and immediately was wondering where my residuals were). I told him that we (as in the whole cast) don't have real copies and it is funny that he has one. Eric went on to tell me how he loved the show so much that he actually won prizes on line from ABC.com from when the show was on (something else I didn't know about my own show) and how he got all of his friends to watch the show...

Sadly, Eric wasn't able to fix my TV, but he fixed my heart. My 15 minutes of fame hasn't ended after 8 years and somebody ACTUALLY watched the show who isn't related to me or a friend. Usually when I discuss my brief stint in reality TV and I mention the name of the show people say, "NEVER HEARD OF IT"... This was the first time someone had brought it up to me, not even knowing I was on the show. AMAZING.

I wanted to tell him to facebook me or something, but I just couldn't do it but I think I may have met my soul mate (or MOLE soul mate) at 1.800.COMCAST.

ERIC who works at Comcast in Manchester - it was a pleasure to talk to you and thank you for maintaining my 15 minutes of fame.

Oink you swine flu

2009-05-04T08:31:00.002-04:00

At church yesterday there were papers left in the pews for everyone to read about the NH Catholic Church's response to the SWINE FLU. Smart idea to leave them in the pews for everyone to touch and then LEAVE for the next group ofkids/people to put their paws on and get infected with the previous person's germs. My church is wicked smart... I digress. The NH Catholic Church will now skip over the actual "Peace be with you part" so shaking hands or kissing will not occur and pass the swine flu around. But it is okay to leave a paper in the pew? Interesting.

Nonetheless, Sunday at Mass, the priest skipped it all together - no wishing peace upon our fellow parishioners (I don't think I am a registered parishioner, but you know what I mean) and it just felt wrong. I heard that at the church I grew up going to they gave everyone a thumbs up. Why not be creative with this - revive the high five, or at least the high five from far away (a classic in my eyes).

I also heard on the radio this morning that this swine flu is no different than a seasonal flu. See, here is my problem, first they blame cows for mad cow and now the pigs for swine flu. What are you going to do next, blame the Easter bunny for obesity in children?

Once again, it is the little things

2009-05-02T09:34:00.003-04:00

I just saw the most beautiful thing... I went to the library this morning and there was a line of people - probably 12 (does that constitute a gaggle?) waiting for the doors to open. I think that is magnificent.

Whenever I move somewhere, and those who know me know I move A LOT, the first place I have to find is the public library. I am sure that makes me a dork or a nerd but I don't care. I love to buy books but I like to read SO much that my last name would have to be TRUMP in order to afford all the books I want to have. Plus, a book is the cheapest vacation one can afford. Who doesn't like to open a book and live vicariously through the words on the page?

I tend to think I am rather cerebral. This isn't me tooting my own horn because that would be fruitless. I mean, I got a degree from Keene State College (Kinda Sorta College) and I graduated with what I think was a 3.03, so I am not Einstein. What I mean is I tend to live my life in my head. I go through scenarios and possibilities of everything... From possible different endings of TV shows, why people do/say/act the way they do, what if I had the balls to react in a different way - that kind of stuff.

So, with me being in my own head so much, it makes a book my best friend, you know what I mean? It is said that your brain doesn't know the difference between one visualizing oneself doing a back flip or really, physically doing a back flip. How couldn't that translate into reading a book? The people on the pages are living life to the fullest because they don't have any fears because they don't really exist. Fiction is amazing. Fiction gives one the ability to visualize without having to actually do and your brain doesn't even know the difference.

The proverbial crap has hit the fan personally for me and lately I have withdrawn and put my head inside books. My book reality never lets me down. I know I am a TV addict too, but there is something different about sitting and watching fiction unfold on TV, there is no disconnect. I have to watch and pay attention. However, when I read I am really right there. It is like when I get up in the morning and get into the shower. The shower is where most of my actual thinking takes place. There is a moment when I am pondering stuff and I am not actually in that shower, I am in that moment - that is what is so cool about reading a book. When I read I know I am on the toilet or on the treadmill but my mind paints a picture that is so much better than my real life.

So, maybe that means I like to live my life in the not so real word. Is that so wrong? Sometimes the lives in the books I read are so much better than my own. Other times, I wonder what is so appealing about a damn vampire.

New Diet

2009-04-30T21:17:00.002-04:00

I am on a massive diet. Huge, Big. Immense. It is called the overeaters anonymous diet. Basically, it is a fat free yogurt with grapenuts in it for breakfast. I am allowed one cup of coffee. Then I am to drink a lot of water. For lunch, it is a salad with either 80z of tuna fish, chicken or steak and the same for dinner. NOTHING ELSE! If I need a snack (and interestingly enough after 3 weeks I haven't really needed a snack) I can have water or fruit. Luckily, I can also have some of the sugar free Crystal Lite in my water. That's it...

I am also supposed to walk at least 2 miles 3-4 times/week. I have been doing very well with this and I do feel like it is working. I was advised to not step on a scale for a month. I am not sure why I am not a size two after these three weeks but I will wait it out.

Interestingly enough, I am not sick of salads yet. I am very happy that I am eating so healthy. I think this diet is only helping my battle with Cholesterol. I haven't had soda in god knows how long. I don't miss pasta or my french fries or blue cheese. I love the fact that my serving sizes, or the amount that I eat in a day is getting smaller. I feel good, I am sleeping better.

The only thing I don't like, and would like some knowledge on, is why if I am eating so healthy am I breaking out like a before picture from a Proactive ad? Everyone I ask says it is because I am detoxing, could that really be it?

What a mess!!!!

2009-04-27T15:46:00.001-04:00

I am dressed up today - for a reason I am unable to explain on this blog until after June 19th - on which I can not wait to elaborate.

However, I have spilled on myself 3 effen times. 2 times with my salad dressing which I luckily was able to get out and then a third time with my Crystal Lite. Um. seriously. Am I that much of a slob?

A not so HOPPY tale

2009-03-25T10:21:00.002-04:00

As I was driving to work today it dawned on me that Easter is right around the corner and it reminded me of a story that should go into the annals of "THIS COULD ONLY HAPPEN TO KATIE MILLS".

I can't remember if it was my junior or senior year of high school - but I had started working for Shop 'n Save in Franklin, NH (now Hannafords) and for Easter they needed someone to dress up as the Easter Bunny and walk around giving out JAX cheese doodles to the kids. You KNOW I volunteered.

In doing so, this rather odd, hippy looking guy (whom I think was intoxicated) came up to me and grabbed me (mind you I have a big pink bunny suit on w/ a LARGE head like a mascot) and told me he remembers me from a Grateful Dead Concert and proceeded to HUMP MY LEG! No one was around to stop this and I was freaking out in the suit and I can't remember if fellow co-works saw the assault and pulled him off or I pushed him off.

None the less - I do think I am scarred for life for this and this could be why I am not a fan of Easter. However, isn't that a crazy story?

What is the probablity of that?

2009-03-22T13:00:00.006-04:00

I am wicked awesome at stating the obvious... Therefore, you already know that I am a dork. To elaborate further, I went to Broken Ground Elementary school Thursday morning to purchase tickets to a musical that Kids In Action is presenting starting March 26th. My friends' kids are in the production and I sincerely enjoy going to their extracurricular events to let them know that I care about them and support them in what they are doing. Kids In Action is presenting FIDDLER ON THE ROOF which is one of my ALL TIME or possibly my favorite musical ever, so that doesn't hurt either.

Okay, I digress, so I head into Broken Ground and go to the office and advise whomever that I was there to purchase tickets for the show. I wait in the office patiently for said person to go and find out where I can obtain tickets. She returns and asks me to follow her (BTW, there are a lot of kids who play the violin at Broken Ground... WHO KNEW?) So, I head down the hallway and for some reason I am stopped while a herd of kids has to pass by or something and I hear a voice say, "MISS MILLS!" so I turn around in my tracks and the woman standing RIGHT next to me turns to the voice and says, "Yes!" I was in awe. What is the probability that I am standing right next to another Miss Mills right at the same time as someone calls out her/my name? Seriously? Isn't that crazy?

Anyone who knows how to do the math and figure out the probability on that, could you let me know? My guess is like one in at least a cazillion.

Also, what I thought was interesting, and is basically just a side note, is that after the 'Miss Mills' occurrence, I was brought to the appropriate person to purchase tickets, which was the music teacher. She asked me to follow her into the music room which I, of course, did. In that moment, I really think that she was trying to size me up to see if I was a child molester or something (I am completely overreacting, to this I am almost 100% certain) but she was asking me why I wanted to see the show and who I knew that was in it and why I only wanted to buy one ticket. Does that sound odd to anyone else? I am sure it is most likely small talk but I just found it rather interesting that she HAD to know who I was coming to see and why I was coming alone. I should have said something very sarcastically like because I am a sad, sad person in this world and I honestly have no friends and I very well may have leprosy... but I bit my tongue and just spoke the truth. However, in retrospect, am I right in thinking it was really none of her business? Or have things become more strict, especially in elementary schools, as to who can come to events or not?

Straight or Curly

2009-03-21T18:34:00.000-04:00

I have had naturally curly hair since puberty, basically. I feel a lot of my identity, or who I am comes from the fact that I have curly hair. I have noticed in TV and movies, the only women who have curly hair are considered clueless, out there and just eccentric.

For example, in the movie The Women, in the beginning of the movie, she has GORGEOUS curly hair, but she is a space cadet and just very eccentric in her style and clueless about what is really going on in her life. To not spoil the movie, at the end when she gets things heading in the right direction, her hair is PIN straight.

Another example, Jennifer Hudson. When Jennifer Hudson first appeared on American Idol (the only season I watched) and she had the glorious fro that I actually WISH I could have. After each week she continued on the show, slowly there was transformation and the first thing to go was her CURLY FRO.

What I take from this is that society wants everyone with curly hair to go along with social norms and have straight hair.

Ever see that show on Bravo called Millionaire Matchmaker? Oh ya, she OUTRIGHT said that when she is casting women to see if millionaires want to date them that if the women have curly hair they HAVE to get their hair blown out straight.

All of this is an affront to who I am, I am proud of my curly locks. The last time I straightened my hair I was told by a guy that I liked that I looked like Trailer Trash. I have nothing wrong with STRAIGHT HAIR, it is just the bad rap I think curly hair gets.

I was in South Boston last weekend for the St. Patrick's day parade and two of my friends went to this restayrant/sandwich place called the Amsterdam and my guy friend mentioned that a girl who walked in was hot - and then she was followed by this tall, professional looking woman with curly hair and I said to my guy friend, "Now, SHE is pretty" and he said, "He couldn't date a girl with curly hair!" Um, what? So, now curly hair is just not attractive?

So, I want to do some sort of research regarding respect and curly/straight hair. I don't know how I am going to do this, but I am going to spend some time figuring it out. Maybe I will change a profile picture somewhere to be me with straight hair (which would mean I would have to straighten my hair which takes up to 2 hours).

I am just frustrated by hearing this because I pride myself in my glorious curly hair and now I am hearing otherwise.

That's how I roll

2009-03-06T11:46:00.000-05:00

I am recently very saddened about the state of affairs of how the only good woman for a man to have for a girlfriend is a skinny one. Due to my recent infatuation/obsession with Kid Rock, I have joked about how I would get liposuction and my boobs done so he would notice me and we could get married and live happily ever after. Katie Rock sounds AWESOME or Katie Ritchie sounds good too- I digress...

I went to the doctor on Wednesday for a follow up and since it was a follow up I wasn't expecting to be weighed. This is very nerve wracking for me, I don't like to know because I feel like the incredible increasing woman. So, I get on the scale see my weight and just freak out. THEN the nurse proceeds to do my BP and ask me why it appears very high. I bluntly explain that I wasn't expecting to be weighed and I would have worn lighter clothes, not drank two coffees and would have been mentally prepared.

After hearing the result of my weight I have been significantly bummed. Yes, I know I have gained a lot of weight. Yes, I know I have to be wicked active in order to be skinny (or less fat) and I haven't been very active. My life has changed to a very sedentary lifestyle and I don't like it. I want to change it but my excuse right now is that I can't afford it. I want to go and join the gym but I want to pay for a year in advance (which is close to $600) so I don't have to worry about not having the money in the future to do so.

Now, in thinking about wanting to go back to the gym, it makes me wonder. In 2001 when I got back from the mole, I knew I wouldn't be happy with how I would look on TV and I joined the gym and became OBSESSED- I would go 3 hours/day 7 days a week. It was ingrained into my life. I lost 50 lbs and I was absolutely gorgeous. Then I met a guy and I just stopped going and here I am now.

I am still the same, funny, crazy girl as I am now, but I was skinny before and now I just have more rolls - why does that make me unattractive? Why is it the girl with zero body fat that is the IDEAL woman? I have a great personality, I enjoy various things both indoor and out door, I am funny as all get out and I am just an all around (no pun intended) well-rounded gal. However, the most important factor in all of this is that I am pudgy which makes me undesirable.

Am I currently unhappy because I have rolls or am I currently unhappy because I am not dating anyone and I don't seem to be able to date anyone due to my rolls? I am concerned about my health and I know it isn't healthy for me to be overweight, I have been overweight my whole life and know the ins and outs of what it is about and how it effects me and people in my family who have weight issues.

What also saddens me is that I am at the heaviest I have ever been and I am trying to eat better and not over eat. I don't munch at work. I bring a weight watchers breakfast sandwich, have my two cups of coffee and I don't really eat lunch. I get home, eat my dinner and maybe have a fat free snack. Why aren't I at least maintaining my weight? I wish I could just start smoking again, you know?

Why is it so difficult? Why do I feel that in order to be good in the eyes of a man, I need to weigh less. However, am I truly happy at this weight? Would I be happier if I was a size 8? I remember when I got super skinny after the mole and I met Kevin - I thought I had made it, I was skinny (in my eyes) and happy and living the life. However, I was diagnosed with anxiety, quit my job, moved away with an alcoholic and had to get a restraining order out on him... That's not happy either.

So, is happy being who I am right now physically (still the same every other way) or losing weight and working out like a fiend to get skinny and find a guy who only likes me because I am skinny? I look back at pictures of me when I was looking good and I looked SO GOOD. However, I take pictures of myself now for facebook or dating pages and I see a little extra in my cheeks but not that much. I don't get it.

I have been on the dating pages lately and seeing some VERY attractive males. I have sent them emails KNOWING they won't be attracted to me (unless they are chubby chasers and frankly I don't think those exist) but have to tell them that they are FAR too handsome to be online dating. The guys tell me thank you and then that's the end of correspondence.

I was supposed to go out with a new girl from work tonight and I dressed the best that I could- I was really nervous about it though because who wants to be seen out with the fat girl? Like I am going down to do the parade and a pub crawl with my friend in South Boston and I am so nervous that because I am at my heaviest I am going to be looked at differently and judged.

For example, I am talking to this guy online and he plays and coaches basketball and I guess they are in the finals and they won the first part of the qualifiers and I asked him if he takes the kids out for a pizza party - and then I was like - DUH - fat girl asking about food... Or the other day at work when I was looking for paper towels in the cafeteria area so I could nuke my smart one's breakfast and one of the attractive young guys was like, "What are you looking for? The cookies are over there." I am sure he didn't mean it like - HEY FATTY WANT A COOKIE - but that's how I take it.

I guess what I need to figure out is if I am happy being rolly or if I feel like I have to be someone else and not myself when I lose weight. I plan on using my bonus to join the gym never the less. I guess we will just have to wait and see. I think I worry about this the most because I am turning 33 in less than a month and I never thought I would be alone at this age. I feel like those people that are obsessed with being in fashion or looking the right way for attention, but to me it is lacking rolls.