BAD GIRL

I am such a bad, bad girl. I didn't go to practice last night! I just couldn't see myself driving the hour and a half to practice for 3 hours. Good thing because I was in my warm bed out cold by 10:15pm....

I have to drive to Tyngsboro three times next week so I figured one night off from practice would be okay.

I hope so.

I'm much to young to feel this damn old

I don't know if I have already used this Garth Brooks song title as a blog post, but I don't care. I am using it again! Third week of practice started last night. I am going to speak frankly that I am not sure, for me, if MONDAY night is the best night to have practice... It is just one long ass mofo day with my commute. Nonetheless, we started practice again with bootcamp stuff. Now, I can't rightfully do EVERY SINGLE thing we do, but I felt that my body was ready for what we were doing. I mean, we have done it three times so far, but still. I felt a little bit more able (Is that appropriate grammar) to hold something longer, or try something harder.

I need to bring that attitude into my next practice. I need to not decide before the drill even starts that I can't do it. We did a pace line drill last night that I decided a few times around that I couldn't keep the pace so I skated out. I know I have had 8 month sitting on my ass and I should give myself this leeway but there are times I just talk myself out of doing stuff, or talk myself out of continuing. I need to PUSH myself harder. I just don't know if I have the energy to do so. If I pushed myself harder last night I wouldn't be able to walk today and my ability to walk right now is debateable.

One of the last drills of the night was an obstacle course and I watched as everyone did it. Well, I SQUATTED while everyone else did it as we squat while we wait. By the time it got around to the last couple of people, I decided I would be remiss if I didn't try it. So I tried it. It was an okay attempt... The line went through again at a quicker pace and I did it again and fell on the first part. BUT THIS FALL WAS OKAY... It was a kinder, gentler fall because I knew it was happening. It wasn't an "oh no my legs can't take this anymore and I am just going to fall down", it was a "Damn I am not landing this well and why not make it into a crazy, flagrant fall with my leg up in the air like a baseball slide". I got my self right back up and did everything that was asked to the best of my ability... It was like I needed that crazy fall to better myself and continue... I didn't freak out, I just got up and did what I needed to do...

So, although I feel like I could use a walker today. I am thankful for that fall and hopefully that will keep me from being afraid of future falls.

Maybe my next blog post can be entitled UNANSWERED PRAYERS, another Garth Brooks song to show how much I have improved... hehehe. I am a laugh riot!

After 8 months, I can't quite believe it

Thursday, January 6th, 2011 was my first day back on skates since April 17, 2010. That is 265 days not on skates... And it felt like I had never had skates on before.

Coming back after being out for so long is hard. So many parts of my life has changed. I have changed jobs which changes my commute. I had SPINE surgery which left me sedentary for 8 months. I have put on weight so now my knee hurts more, my whole body hurts more because I haven't done much of anything... NOW let's strap wheels on my feet.
OKAY.

I think I did okay, but it felt like practice felt on my second practice ever. I felt more afraid to fall than ever before. That JARRING feeling of my spine crunching scares me.

Well, I fell on Monday at practice # 2 and I'll tell you what, I will relate it to skiing. When one skis and is about ready for the last run, one should assess if he/she is too tired or what have you so one doesn't fall and injure oneself. That's what I should have done on my last lap on Monday... My legs were wobbly. The wobbliest they have been. I was about to pull off and get my sea legs back and I hear, "YOU CAN DO IT DKB, DON'T GIVE UP". So, I continue around again to complete the timed skate. Half way around I fall down HARD on my knee and I was near tears because I was so afraid that it WOULD hurt. I am okay, sore today but somewhat happy practice is cancelled due to the weather.

It's been awhile

Hey Guys - I am back. Did you miss me?
I received a request to put something on my blogger page to have people be able to follow me, I don't know how to do that. Any hints?

T- minus

It is officially official. I am going under the knife for major surgery. I mean, I figured I might, in the back of mind, not get better after conservative treatment but I NEVER once thought I would have to have a discectomy and a cervical fusion.

This is scheduled for 8/12 and I am scared to death.

The future is so bright- IT SCARES ME

I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't had much to say. I haven't felt myself at all because my body hasn't allowed me to do anything I have wanted to do. I have always been a doer. Physically I don't know of anything I couldn't do or try and not kick ass at. Seriously. I have been on a NATIONAL Television show, I play roller derby. I mean, come on now.

Since April I haven't been able to do much other than sit on the sidelines and watch. Everything I have done since April really is just watching everyone else's life unfold, while my life just hangs in abeyance. I feel like a spectator in this whole life thing and I have no choice in the outcome.

I have managed some derby teams on our league and I feel that I am getting really good at it, but ultimately that isn't what I want to be doing. While I am pleased that people like my style of managing and that people still want me to manage, I just want to play, pass my dang level ones and skate like everyone else.

This could all change, possibly, on Thursday! I see Dr. Kleeman as a consult for surgery. I don't know if I will have surgery, but after Thursday I may! This scares me to death...

So many people have asked me this past week if I will ever be able to skate again and I, frankly, don't even know. That scares the everlovin' beejesus out of me. If I can't do sports, I don't know what I will do...

I hold on Slash featuring Kid Rock

I feel your comfort in my dreams
Unprotected silent screams
A light beyond your shadow beams
Still I don't know what it means

When seasons change
Then this remain

Chorus

I hold on because I won't let go
Even though I know there's solitude to low
I hold on cause I cant' let go
I refuse to let the hands of faith unfold
I hold on
And when the darkness turns a day
I won't let you drift away
Conscience fades and some let go
But I hang on cause I know
When seasons change
Then this remain

Chorus

I hold on because I won't let go
Even though I know there's solitude to low
I hold on cause I can't let go
I refuse to let the hands of faith unfold
I hold on

Slash solo

Chorus

I hold on because I won't let go
Even though I know there's solitude to low
I hold on because I can't let go
I refuse to let the hands of faith unfold

Noooo, Noooo

I refuse to let the hands of faith unfold

I hold on
I hold on

I refuse to let the hands of faith unfold

Ohh, I hold on