Sad

I am really sad today and I probably have been really sad for a long time... Let's say almost a month. I felt like that scene from Titanic when Jack is on the bow yelling, "I'm the king of the world" about a month ago... Now, I am feeling how I felt when I watched the scene for the first time when Rose let Jack's frozen/dead body go...


I feel like things were going relatively status quo and then BAM or POOF let's mix it up and see how Katie reacts. While I know that even if I can't skate right now, I still have my derby sisters. But there is a difference from being on the sidelines looking in and being out on the floor working up the best sweat of your life. Especially when one doesn't know the next time one can lace up her skates. While it was hard and it hurt and it was a struggle, I couldn't wait to do it again. Now, I have no idea when I will be able to. With that being said, I feel like the rest of my life is spiraling out of control like the spin of a wheel...

Nothing seems to make me happy. I just paid off my car. which is supposed to be a big step in my life, and all that extra cash now has to go to Physical Therapy copays. I just got two massive bills in the mail, that I had no idea were coming, for my Emergency room visit. I already paid $100 copay and now they want $300 more.

I feel that in every aspect of my life, something has changed and I am playing my own little game of Survivor: Heroes vs. Villians and I have to find a way to withstand every jab thrown and I can't seem to win a damned Immunity Idol. Each jab hurts in a different place and in a different way... Some jabs I don't feel because I have grown numb (both literally and figuratively) to them. Some jabs are familiar. Familiar to the point that I have already, once or twice, received the same jab previously and have adapted myself to not be in a perdicament to ever come face to face with this kind of jab again. In that adaptation, a masked predator, pretending to be a hero with me, shows their true colors and jabs me twice in the same spot and then makes me question if there ever realy was a jab to begin with; like a magician whose hand is quicker than the eye.

I mean, I am even a mess because Lost is finishing up. Seriously. I feel that nothing can be at status quo and that everyone else is on this awesome merry go round of life, enjoying the colors, the sounds, the sights and I am sitting back pondering the experiences of everyone else, thinking of the outcome... And when it is finally my turn to get on the merry go round, it closes for the day and I can't come back the following day.

So, I have given myself two days to play WOE IS ME... By monday morning I am the master and commander of my own destiny and I will get on that FUCKING merry go round if it is the last damned thing I do.

Life's little blessings

I have been pissed off for so long that I wasn't passing my level ones... Then, when I found out that I had a herniated disc at c6-c7 and Dr. Sobel said that I could not do sports at all because any sort of hit could cause a traumatic injury, I realized HOLY CRAP! Maybe it is a secret blessing that I hadn't passed because who knows how long I had this herniated disc? Maybe if I had passed my level ones and been hit by Vicious, I could have had some serious injury.

Kinda puts things in perspective. So, what I have to remember is that when life's bs gets to me, I have to just remind myself what COULD have happened had I been a level one.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...

I went to the doctor today to review my MRIs. I was thinking it was something that could be worked out with plain old deep tissue massage and reducing the stress in my life. I figured I would be cleared to play both roller derby and softball.

I couldn't have been more wrong. I have a prolapsed disc at C6-C7... Basically, a herniated disc. The doctor has no idea how this happened. There was not fall, not hit, not collision. Just woke up in pain. So, there are two avenues he would like me to persue simultanesously. One avenue consists of Physical Therapy with a trial of cervical traction and anti-inflammatories. While I am working on this, the other avenue, is to consult a SPINAL SURGEON. I am unable to play softball or roller derby because one collison could possible cause a severe spinal injury.

GREAT... Here's me passing my level one anytime soon. Here's me meeting my goal to somehow becomse scrimmage eligible for the next draft in July. I just want to skate and now I can't. I even had to email the guy running the softball team and ask for a refund. Seriously. I can't play. I was only told once in my life that I could play a sport and that was because of my knee, and you know what? I played anyway. I don't believe that can happen this time... I am completely devastated.

I just want to skate

Saturday morning I woke up with a pain in my back... I had experienced this type of shoulder/back pain before and it went away on its own, so I didn't think much of it. It kind of went away Saturday. When I woke up Sunday morning, it was uncomfortable again but it subsided. Monday when I woke up, it was back with a vegence and had a point to prove... My back/shoulder hurt, my pinky was numb and my left cheek (near my lip) was numb. I went to Urgent Care and was told it was Radiculopathy. I was given Vicodin and Prednisone. I figured since I had an appt with my doctor Tuesday (4/27) I would fine.

Each day the pain was different and worse. Today I wake up with absolutely zero feeling in my left forearm and pins and needles in my index and pinky finger. I had piercing pain in my shoulder blade and just above my elbow on the back of my arm. This pain has been followed by a million muscle spasms. I called my doctor and since she isn't in the office today, I was told to go to the ER. Because I am honestly scared shitless about this, I am waiting til I get out of work to go someplace I am familiar - Concord Hospital. I don't really know what can be done about this, maybe an MRI? However, the Vicodin and the Prednisone haven't done anything at all. Ibuprofen doesn't touch it either. I am afraid that it may be a pinch nerve, hopefully not disc related, but I don't want to have surgery. Being a former Worker's Comp adjuster and Short Term Disability Claims Manager I know the outcome of such surgeries are not good... How are they going to stop the numbness TODAY? I don't know..

I haven't been skating this week. It isn't because I have lost range of motion or anything like that. I feel that if I fall I may cause further damage. I have a big committment tomorrow. However, I do not want my fingers/arm to turn black and fall off.

I was watching some of the new girls at practice last night and they are so great. Not next week, but the following week assessments will happen again... I just want to skate. I want to use my new OrthoSoles and just skate, not worry about my arm falling off.

Just got my OrthoSoles Last NIGHT!!!!

I was STOKED to hear that our OrthoSoles were in and I can't wait to try them... I have a weird, out of the blue shoulder thing going on and can't really skate until I see my doctor. Went to Urgent Care on Monday... Have an appt with my PCP 4/27... But, in receiving my OrthoSoles, I checked them out - they have detachable arch and metatarsal inserts to customize to one's foot... This is awesome and I can't wait to try them out because I am practically flat footed... YAY... As soon as I get to try them out, I will let you all know... YAY!!!! Maybe this will help with my leg pain and maybe even CURE my odd shoulder pain!!! YAY ORTHOSOLES

Oh J.F.K., how much I love you... Let me count the ways

Last night was my first practice at JFK and I think I am in love... I was so scared of the floor hearing it was so slick and scary. Although I wasn't scrimmaging last night, I enjoyed the slickness of it. I actually feel that it helped me push with my back leg in doing crossovers.

I think once I got over the initial shock of being on the floor that I feared, I was scared that my wheels may fall off... I am not really mechanically inclined and to put the bearings in and screw them on myself made me nervous that I had them on too loose. At least I didn't have them so tight that they wouldn't even rotate, right?

I honestly do not know the kinds of wheels I had on, but I will tell you that I saw them on quite a few people's skates last night. I believe they are Shadows (from Radar) but I don't know the durameter (and sadly the first thing I thought of upon hearing the word durameter was DURA MATTER which is in our brain and spinal column. Remember, I may not be a doctor but I play one on TV). However, I felt in control on the floor with these wheels.

Our first drill was as a league. We skated around the track and when May blew the whistle, we would do a knee drop. I have done this drill in the past at Roller Kingdom, and specifically remember doing a knee drop, stopping my momentum and fighting (especially after a few times doing it) to get back up. Last night, I was just able to drop my knee and continue skating and it appeared to occur with ease. I alternated knees each time (to the best of my ability to remember which knee I had used previously)... May had mentioned that this will work your core and I was easily fatigued in my lower back/upper bum area... But it was an awesome work out. You know how I know, because I can feel it in my right quad today.

Next we did the same kind of drill but with plow stops. Not as fun but a good drill none the less. I forgot that we did the shopping cart drill where someone would push you from behind while you were in your skater stance and then when the whistle blew you would switch to the pusher... I did this with Vicious and although, once again, it kicked my ass, I didn't give up and I just kept doing it!!! I believe after that, we were split up into fresh meat and veterans again.

Fresh meat drills consisted of (in no particular order, because I think I am forgetting one)T-stops, a pack drill with people falling back or moving forward through the pack (with which I need to practice keeping sticky wheels. I kept picking up my skates, but I think I was doing that to navigate the corners and to keep my piggies from falling asleep),sticky wheels, jumps, dolly hops (MY NEW FAVORITE)and I think that was it...

Then we had the scrimmage which was different than our normal ones but very effective. It worked well because SFOD and QCCB played specific line ups to prepare for the scrimmage and see what worked and what didn't. I believe it was very appropriate and an effective way to prepare.

I love being at JFK, it was awesome to skate there and, most importantly it was so close to my house that I could have done the dance of joy (like Balki from Perfect Strangers)... I only had ONE toll to pay and I was in Concord in under 20 minutes... J.F.K. I could kiss you!

I can't wait to go back there next week for practice!!!!!

The diamond

Near the end of practice last night, the whole league was to do a drill together. This was for girls who could do cross overs and the training committee showed us the significance in skating in a diamond... I have heard this discussion previously, but at the time I didn't even know how to stand up in skates, let alone cross over and skate effectively in the diamond.

Now, I may not be able to explain it right, but I think in skating the diamond you are skating the least amount of space effectively and you are crossing over the whole time... Since the beginning of practice was freshmeat off in the corrall (or as I heard Rush call it The Shallow End), this drill was our first opportunity of the night to practice with the whole league. I jumped at the chance to practice my crossovers as it appears to be the one thing that is keeping me from being a level one.

With so many people on our league now, we attempted to do a pace line first with fresh meat at the front but we were supposed to remain an arm's length away from the person in front of us and that wasn't working. So, half of the league went to the middle of the of the track and did calisthenics while the other half skated the diamond. I was in the group that went in the center of the track first and did a squat for 1 minute. When the time was up, I exited the center of the track and started the diamond. It made sense and I was crossing over the whole time and then all I could hear was smack, smack, smack... I could hear each step I was making and I thought this isn't right, this isn't a graceful glide. A few people commented saying, "Good job D.K.B."! But as soon as that minute was up, I skated over to the freshmeat area and went up to Bettie. I told her how I did the diamond but previous to that drill, people were telling me that I should just practice doing a couple crossovers at a time... Bettie advised me it will come. I was just so mad at myself because I thought, once again, I am not getting my cross overs.

After practice Kenya and Lix asked me what happened in the drill. I told them that I pulled myself from the drill (beating myself up)and explained how I felt like I was slamming and not even doing a cross over and both of them told me that I was doing crossovers right and will never get noticed for trying by pulling myself from a drill. So, not only am I bummed that I didn't think I was doing my cross overs right, but Lix and Harmony were right... I never will pass if I pull myself from drills... It just seems like I can't win!!!

Hopefully I will have another chance to practice crossovers on Thursday.

I will say, excitingly, in practicing BASEBALL SLIDES (my favorite thing ever) I got my FIRST rink rash/fish net burn. Although it stings, it makes me feel a little more like an official Derby Girl.