Sad

I am really sad today and I probably have been really sad for a long time... Let's say almost a month. I felt like that scene from Titanic when Jack is on the bow yelling, "I'm the king of the world" about a month ago... Now, I am feeling how I felt when I watched the scene for the first time when Rose let Jack's frozen/dead body go...


I feel like things were going relatively status quo and then BAM or POOF let's mix it up and see how Katie reacts. While I know that even if I can't skate right now, I still have my derby sisters. But there is a difference from being on the sidelines looking in and being out on the floor working up the best sweat of your life. Especially when one doesn't know the next time one can lace up her skates. While it was hard and it hurt and it was a struggle, I couldn't wait to do it again. Now, I have no idea when I will be able to. With that being said, I feel like the rest of my life is spiraling out of control like the spin of a wheel...

Nothing seems to make me happy. I just paid off my car. which is supposed to be a big step in my life, and all that extra cash now has to go to Physical Therapy copays. I just got two massive bills in the mail, that I had no idea were coming, for my Emergency room visit. I already paid $100 copay and now they want $300 more.

I feel that in every aspect of my life, something has changed and I am playing my own little game of Survivor: Heroes vs. Villians and I have to find a way to withstand every jab thrown and I can't seem to win a damned Immunity Idol. Each jab hurts in a different place and in a different way... Some jabs I don't feel because I have grown numb (both literally and figuratively) to them. Some jabs are familiar. Familiar to the point that I have already, once or twice, received the same jab previously and have adapted myself to not be in a perdicament to ever come face to face with this kind of jab again. In that adaptation, a masked predator, pretending to be a hero with me, shows their true colors and jabs me twice in the same spot and then makes me question if there ever realy was a jab to begin with; like a magician whose hand is quicker than the eye.

I mean, I am even a mess because Lost is finishing up. Seriously. I feel that nothing can be at status quo and that everyone else is on this awesome merry go round of life, enjoying the colors, the sounds, the sights and I am sitting back pondering the experiences of everyone else, thinking of the outcome... And when it is finally my turn to get on the merry go round, it closes for the day and I can't come back the following day.

So, I have given myself two days to play WOE IS ME... By monday morning I am the master and commander of my own destiny and I will get on that FUCKING merry go round if it is the last damned thing I do.