I am recently very saddened about the state of affairs of how the only good woman for a man to have for a girlfriend is a skinny one. Due to my recent infatuation/obsession with Kid Rock, I have joked about how I would get liposuction and my boobs done so he would notice me and we could get married and live happily ever after. Katie Rock sounds AWESOME or Katie Ritchie sounds good too- I digress...
I went to the doctor on Wednesday for a follow up and since it was a follow up I wasn't expecting to be weighed. This is very nerve wracking for me, I don't like to know because I feel like the incredible increasing woman. So, I get on the scale see my weight and just freak out. THEN the nurse proceeds to do my BP and ask me why it appears very high. I bluntly explain that I wasn't expecting to be weighed and I would have worn lighter clothes, not drank two coffees and would have been mentally prepared.
After hearing the result of my weight I have been significantly bummed. Yes, I know I have gained a lot of weight. Yes, I know I have to be wicked active in order to be skinny (or less fat) and I haven't been very active. My life has changed to a very sedentary lifestyle and I don't like it. I want to change it but my excuse right now is that I can't afford it. I want to go and join the gym but I want to pay for a year in advance (which is close to $600) so I don't have to worry about not having the money in the future to do so.
Now, in thinking about wanting to go back to the gym, it makes me wonder. In 2001 when I got back from the mole, I knew I wouldn't be happy with how I would look on TV and I joined the gym and became OBSESSED- I would go 3 hours/day 7 days a week. It was ingrained into my life. I lost 50 lbs and I was absolutely gorgeous. Then I met a guy and I just stopped going and here I am now.
I am still the same, funny, crazy girl as I am now, but I was skinny before and now I just have more rolls - why does that make me unattractive? Why is it the girl with zero body fat that is the IDEAL woman? I have a great personality, I enjoy various things both indoor and out door, I am funny as all get out and I am just an all around (no pun intended) well-rounded gal. However, the most important factor in all of this is that I am pudgy which makes me undesirable.
Am I currently unhappy because I have rolls or am I currently unhappy because I am not dating anyone and I don't seem to be able to date anyone due to my rolls? I am concerned about my health and I know it isn't healthy for me to be overweight, I have been overweight my whole life and know the ins and outs of what it is about and how it effects me and people in my family who have weight issues.
What also saddens me is that I am at the heaviest I have ever been and I am trying to eat better and not over eat. I don't munch at work. I bring a weight watchers breakfast sandwich, have my two cups of coffee and I don't really eat lunch. I get home, eat my dinner and maybe have a fat free snack. Why aren't I at least maintaining my weight? I wish I could just start smoking again, you know?
Why is it so difficult? Why do I feel that in order to be good in the eyes of a man, I need to weigh less. However, am I truly happy at this weight? Would I be happier if I was a size 8? I remember when I got super skinny after the mole and I met Kevin - I thought I had made it, I was skinny (in my eyes) and happy and living the life. However, I was diagnosed with anxiety, quit my job, moved away with an alcoholic and had to get a restraining order out on him... That's not happy either.
So, is happy being who I am right now physically (still the same every other way) or losing weight and working out like a fiend to get skinny and find a guy who only likes me because I am skinny? I look back at pictures of me when I was looking good and I looked SO GOOD. However, I take pictures of myself now for facebook or dating pages and I see a little extra in my cheeks but not that much. I don't get it.
I have been on the dating pages lately and seeing some VERY attractive males. I have sent them emails KNOWING they won't be attracted to me (unless they are chubby chasers and frankly I don't think those exist) but have to tell them that they are FAR too handsome to be online dating. The guys tell me thank you and then that's the end of correspondence.
I was supposed to go out with a new girl from work tonight and I dressed the best that I could- I was really nervous about it though because who wants to be seen out with the fat girl? Like I am going down to do the parade and a pub crawl with my friend in South Boston and I am so nervous that because I am at my heaviest I am going to be looked at differently and judged.
For example, I am talking to this guy online and he plays and coaches basketball and I guess they are in the finals and they won the first part of the qualifiers and I asked him if he takes the kids out for a pizza party - and then I was like - DUH - fat girl asking about food... Or the other day at work when I was looking for paper towels in the cafeteria area so I could nuke my smart one's breakfast and one of the attractive young guys was like, "What are you looking for? The cookies are over there." I am sure he didn't mean it like - HEY FATTY WANT A COOKIE - but that's how I take it.
I guess what I need to figure out is if I am happy being rolly or if I feel like I have to be someone else and not myself when I lose weight. I plan on using my bonus to join the gym never the less. I guess we will just have to wait and see. I think I worry about this the most because I am turning 33 in less than a month and I never thought I would be alone at this age. I feel like those people that are obsessed with being in fashion or looking the right way for attention, but to me it is lacking rolls.
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3 comments:
It's not an either/or. You have to find contentment and comfort within yourself first and then you can make positive changes to your life which may or may not result in you losing a bunch of weight...but they most definitely will most likely result in a healthier you, and isn't that the ultimate goal? Happiness isn't a number on the scale or the size of our pants, no matter what society tells us; it's believing in ourselves, finding our strength and then working towards being the best we can be (thin or not).
We'll talk on Sunday...
Kaite, I think the ultimate goal is your happiness. I agree with "H" that you should want to be the best you can be. I think you talking about the weight loss means that you think it's best to lose the weight you want to lose. I would encourage you to look at it through your eyes, not a man's eyes. The right man will love you regardless of what the scale says. It takes works, but making a positive lifestyle change is beneficial in the long run. I love you for you, but it's all about making sure you love you. Miss you!
Katie...I'm right there with you girl!! Why do the 'skinny girls get to have all the fun'! But the truth is, as the other that have commented have said...what makes you happy? If you are truly happy with who you are, no matter what size you wear, it will show through and that's what people will see. At least the people you would want to be associated with. If you are with someone and they care more about the way you look than about who you are and how you make them feel, then maybe it's not the right person?? I still think you are a great person, and had you not posted this, I would never have known you gained any...I still love ya girl!!
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