Anyone who knows me....

Anyone who knows me, knows that my work/life ratio is in the crapper lately. I am working 10 hour days only to return to my humble abode and work on the lap top from home (which is pretty much an Apple 2E)...

Last night I had completed my paid 7.5 hours, working diligently trying to stay on top of my desk. I was here on my own free will, working because I wanted to not because I had to. Also, people who know me know I am not a quiet person. If you could be a fly on the wall of my cubicle, you would notice that I don't really talk at all... ALL DAY. I take calls from claimants, lawyers, providers offices, the Department of labor. I ask work related questions to colleagues. I sit at my desk and work. Occasionally I will get up and have a conversation for less than 5 minutes (because I don't take my two 15 minute breaks or my half hour/forty-five minute lunch break ever).

Okay - now that I have set the stage, I am here after hours on my own free will. I stop my work and turn to a colleague and start discussing a file. It is well past 6pm close to 7pm. There are three of my colleagues with me and there is a soft radio playing in the back ground. Again, those who know me also know when I get heated about a subject my voice raises... So, out of the blue, a MANAGER springs out of the wood work and tells me to quiet down. SERIOUSLY? Seriously!

Again, anyone who knows me knows I don't do well with being told to be quiet or told to relax or told to calm down. I do not deserve to be scolded. It wasn't like we were horsing around and someone could be injured or if there was ANYONE else in the building other than the dude vacuuming.

This happened over 12 hours ago and it still makes steam come out my ears. What was the point? Why was it necessary. It just made me want to storm off and slam a door.

AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!

Woes of online dating - When being an eager beaver is far too eager

Online dating is so predatory. I think one has to keep a protective shield up while hunting for an appropriate mate online...

I met two people online this past week. One guy sent me an email saying, "He would be remiss if he waited one more moment to tell me that I had a beautiful smile". His picture was fuzzy and far away, but I liked the compliment. We started emailing - and the compliments continued to flow. That's when I put my protective shield up. This dude must know how to sweet talk or feel the need to woo people. Come to find out, this is the first time in 20 years he has been single - and he has only been single since August. He has three kids, the oldest is 10 years old. I figured this dude out. He wanted someone to take care of him again... Far too complimentary and eager for me to fill the shoes of a past wife or girlfriend. When I questioned if he thought that one needs alone time to figure him/herself out, he didn't agree with that. Okay, buh-bye.

The other guy I met seemed nice. His pictures weren't fuzzy but one was scary... I figured my photos may not all be pleasant as beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So, we started chatting and that was very nice. We talked for the 1st time on Friday, he called on Saturday and asked to come up and visit... WOH! Hold on speedy... I told him, and later I found out I shouldn't have mentioned it, that per the RULES a guy shouldn't ask for a date on the weekend after Tuesday... (while I don't actually FOLLOW the RULES, I do feel that they have some basis in dating). I also said I had a zit on my chin and a tooth ache, so I wasn't mentally prepared for a get together. He then asked for Sunday... Um, was he listening? He then asked about next weekend. I advised that I had tentative plans. I said if I wasn't going to CT on Saturday that MAYBE we could get together... He agreed but then I think he didn't appreciate it enough. Sunday he was barely textually active... The other thing, he lives in MA. He has family in NH, but what does coming up to visit entail? HELL NO is he coming to my house for our first meeting... NO THANK YOU. And no way is a sleep over warranted on the first meeting either. I don't have a couch either, so where would he stay... The more I reflect on this the more I am re-thinking this dude.

So, as I often do, I sat back and went through every conversation we had and in retrospect, I don't think this guy rolls my socks up and down... He just texted me now and I am so not feeling it. See how he likes it when I don't respond.

So, tell me, when is being eager a plus? Am I just overreacting or is this fate just telling me that these two guys are toads?

While I am ready to get back into the dating pool, am I too picky or do I have a right to be this selective or judgemental initially? I mean, I don't want to waste my time. I have been on far too many HORRIBLE blind/first dates that I should know by now at the get-go when I have another toad, right?

I am far too tired to give the benefit of the doubt anymore. I have done that 4 too many times.

20 years is a long ass time

It dawned on me today, whilst getting my blood work done, that I have had to get blood work done for approximately 20 years.

My dad had a heart attack on my 13th birthday - happy day to me, right? I am almost 33 years old. So, since heart disease/high cholesterol (or as they call it in the biz hypercholesterolemia) runs in my family.

It is slight harrowing as I have a doctor's appointment next week and they are going to tell me if, yet again, I will need cholesterol medicine. This has been a topic of conversation for almost... 20 YEARS. So, fingers crossed that Millsie will be ALL GOOD!

I feel like a low life (and this has nothing to do with my new found infatuation with Kid Rock)!

I rarely use the handicapped stall in the ladies room because I always feel guilty because WHAT IF I am in there and someone who is actually handicapped needs it. (hold up, is handicapped the appropriate, politically correct terminology?) Well, yesterday that happened.

I went to the private bathroom because, as they say on "HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER", I needed to read a magazine. As you may know from previous blogs that I do have bathroom issues so I wanted my privacy. So, I hunker down and am ready to go and I hear a noise... Not a normal bathroom noise but I thought the cleaners had started early.

When I am finally done w/ my magazine and time to leave, I realize there is a woman on crutches who is waiting for me to get out... OMG. I am such an arse. I really felt so bad because I didn't need the big stall, I just didn't want people walking in to know I was reading a magazine by seeing my shoes.

That's it - I will never use the handicapped throne again.

I don't feel like working today

I really don't. I am just tired and not in the mood to work. When is one EVER in the mood to work? It is something to do for the 8 hours before I have to go home, right?

I may go heat up some lunch and see where that takes me.

Another great Kid Rock song

Mmmm

I love it when you play it like that

Come on... Play

Sittin' here alone I'm lookin' back on where I've roamed

And laughing how I swore I'd win and not get burned

Left my family

Left my home

I worked my fingers to the bone

And there was not a stone I did not leave unturned

And I was havin' a good time

Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster

We're one day older and one step closer

Roll on there's mountains to climb

Roll on we're on borrowed time

Roll on Roller coaster

Roll on tonight

Roll on tonight yeah

Money and success

I don't complain about the stress

I wanted this and now it's here

So I don't bitch

And I swear that time's a trick

It disappears in oh so quick

Man I was just sixteen

And now I'm starin' at thirty-six

But I'm still havin' a good time

Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster

We're one day older and one step closer

Roll on there's mountains to climb

Roll on we're on borrowed time

Roll on Roller coaster

Roll on tonight

Roll on tonight

And I know it's hard to see with the sun in your eyes

But one day you're gonna say I saw the light

And now headin' for the hill

And I just cannot wait until

My children grow up to have children of their own

And I'll be telling them about

The times I turned the party out

And how I stood against an army all alone

Drinkin' wine and stayin' high

And realized it couldn't last

And how I turned myself around

And went down another path

And the signs we must observe

When life's changes do occur

But most of all I'll tell them

Just how proud I am of them

And always have a good time

It's all love and good times

Let's all have a good time Yeah

Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster

We're one day older and one step closer

Roll on there's mountains to climb

Roll on we're on borrowed time

Roll on Roller coaster

Roll on tonight

Roll on tonight

New Favorite Song by Kid Rock *explicit lyrics*

"Sugar"

Hard to remember if anything was real

Cold like December and I don't like how that feels

I been livin' a long time

I been givin' a long time too

And I can't believe I wasted so much time on you

But time has brought me back around

Back around to me

And I feel so free

Yeah

Now who's gonna give me some sugar tonight

Sugar tonight

Sugar tonight

Now who's gonna give me some sugar tonight

Sugar tonight

Sugar tonight

Bad like Brutus

Hit like Joe Louis

I gots lots of cash

But I'm not Jewish

I'm not no nudist

I'm fully clothed

And I fuck hot pussy until it's cold

Got rhymes of gold Got a voice of platinum

I'm not Dwayne Wayne

But that's what's happening

I'm back in black and if ya have to ask

You can kiss my Anglo-Saxon ass

Now who's gonna give me some sugar tonight

Sugar tonight

Sugar tonight

Now who's gonna give me some sugar tonight

Sugar tonight

Sugar tonight

Hot like a toti

Smooth like Mondovi

Around the way they call me Bathroom Bobby

Sugar is my hobby and my greatest joy

And that's why they call me "cowboy"

No Jive I come alive like Frampton

I'm bigger than Seinfeld's house in the Hamptons

Cramp my style, go ahead and give it your best

But I ain't met a mutha fucka who can do that yet

Now who's gonna give me some sugar tonight

Sugar tonight

Sugar tonight

Now who's gonna give me some sugar tonight

Sugar tonight

Sugar tonight

Hey

Now who's gonna give me some sugar tonight

Whoo woo

Whoo woo

Now who's gonna give me some sugar tonight

Whoo woo

Whoo woo

They call me Shotgun Bobby, rock the young hotties

Jock the John Gottis, sock the paparazzi

Real life Fonzie, I roll like Yahtzee

I like stars and bars but I ain't no Nazi

So fuck you, fuck u in the nose

Fuck you and your flows, fuck you and your hoes

Fuck u and your mother if u can't understand it

I'm the illest mutha fucker on the God damn planet

Huh

OMG

Anyone who knows me, knows I am a caring, sensitive person. I often put others needs and feelings before my own.

I walk into work this morning and a co-worker goes into hysterics because she heard some devastating news. One of my co-workers jumps up after this woman and then I intend to follow as well, just trying to be helpful because I intrinsically care for this person's well-being, you know?

Well, one of the other co-workers who has witnessed what just transpired, looks at me and tells me to sit down. NO LIE. EXCUSE ME?!?! Last time I checked you weren't my mother (my mom at least knows how to chew her gum quietly).

I WAS FLABBERGASTED. I know that people don't like to be swarmed or whatever, but it is in my GD nature to want to help people in their time of need. I ask random strangers on the side of the road if they need a cell phone to call for help or anything. SERIOUSLY.

This person telling me to sit down is like telling me to relax, or telling me to be quiet, you know? It gets my hackles up and makes me VERY defensive. As we know from previous posts about this person, I already want to punch her in the face so I definitely need some advise on how to refrain from breaking her jaw.

Any ideas on how to deal with this person? I have tried the ignoring route. Being the bigger person is HARDER than it looks.

Always kiss me goodnight

I went back online to the dating sites. Friday night after going out to dinner with my sister and having two Killian's, I came home and went onto a site reading profiles and getting my face out there - w/ a brand new pic. There is a certain feeling about being in control and trying to see if a person is interesting or interested. It is safe from your own living room and if the guy isn't interested C'est la vie, right? No harm, no foul.

I started chatting with this guy who lives right here in Concord. 44 years old, just got out of a 15 year marriage. (Sounds vaguely familiar).... It was fun to send emails back and forth and to be flirty and in control of the conversation - but this guy turned into an ASS. I mean OH MY GOD ass. He was demanding my name and my phone number. No thanks. He wanted me to call him. I said, "I don't call guys, guys call me." He stated he didn't have my number and I told him there was a reason for that. With me, I have a tough exterior in the beginning, if you can get past that then you are in. This dude couldn't get past it. He was digging a hole deeper and deeper.

So, I guess at a certain time of the night (or morning) they shut down the site. And I was relieved. When I got up at 3pm the next day, I checked the site and he had made a comment about how I had wussed out or something... WHAT? So, I totally told him I didn't enjoy our time together and GOOD-BYE and blocked him. No fun.

Seriously, don't be a dick. Obviously some how or other we are all damaged goods but leave a good impression. I am deserving of a happy ending but that won't be happening with this dude.

I was watching my dvr'd stuff and caught up on One Tree Hill and there were two first dates and two first kisses. I miss that. Not first dates but kissing... Eventually I won't have to miss it anymore, but what I don't have to worry about, or should I say 44 year old dude won't get the opportunity to kiss this. Too bad, so sad.

Sparkling new background

So......... What do you think?

Empty Promises

Yesterday's blog, although cathartic, opened the flood gates of thoughts regarding some of my ex-boyfriends. This morning, on my way to work, I went by this auto dealership that during the summer had mopeds on display - one of which was HELLO KITTY PINK. This got me thinking because this summer I desperately wanted to get a moped. With gas prices as high as they were and all the driving I was doing in the PT, I wanted this pink moped. The guy I was dating at the time is car savvy and said that if I got a used moped he would fix it up for me and I wouldn't have to worry about buying a new one... Now, that memory flooded into my brain this morning whilst driving by and I thought - nope - that's another empty promise that will never come to fruition. However, I am uncertain if I am actually "allowed" to be mad at this guy for breaking this promise because he and I are no longer together.

When I was with Kevin, the guy I lived with, he promised me the world. When I quit my job teaching in January and was unemployed for a month and a half after buying a car in May, he told me I would never have to worry about car payments again. Another empty promise. When we broke up, and this break up wasn't pretty as we had to live together for a while after the break up. He was also a heavy drinker (the worst I have ever seen and I went to Keene State and saw some drinkers) and during the course of our break up he started doing coke. Needless to say you can see how this led to me getting a restraining order. I digress. When we first broke up and were still living together I was so angry about the promises that he made that were all lies. He promised he would never hurt me and that I would never have to date again... I asked him about these promises and of course his answers were not what I wanted to hear.

In thinking about this today, I guess (after time) I can realize I can't still be mad at Kevin for his empty promise of never hurting me or saying I would never have to date again. (For those of you that don't know the reason why Kevin and I broke up, was that I thought he was proposing to me and he gave me a ceramic cow. After a few beers I told him this and we broke up 2 days later) The reason why I think I can't be mad at Kevin is because these were intangible things that today were just empty promises that he couldn't ever really, actually promise, you know? And, no way in hell do I wish I was still with him! So does that mean sometimes EMPTY PROMISES are miracles in disguise? It is like that Garth Brook song - unanswered prayers.

However, the promise of fixing up a moped for me is tangible... And something I really wanted and liked the idea that it wouldn't cost me a ton. Now, I seriously know that I really have no reason to be angry and think this dude owes me a moped. I am an independent woman, if I really wanted a moped I would get it myself, along with everything else that I want which I provide for myself. But, in driving by that dealership and having that PTSD flash back moment, I thought to myself, "DAMN, no moped!!!!!"

For the future, I don't want any promises made to me other than promising never to lie to me. Or don't promise me something that you can provide within 24 hours... I will readjust my promise quotient so that none of them can ever be empty, or for those tangible things I will get them in writing!!!!!

The ONE?

On my 20 minute commute to work, which magically turned into a 47 minute commute (only when one is running late does the actual land travelled stretch farther, I swear) I was contemplating how I have had 4 "the ones" in my life. Seriously? How is that possible. I had probable mates that I actual thought were the one - all different people - and yet none of them were.

Being the one is different than actually telling that person you love them. I have been in love many times, but those weren't people with whom I actually contemplated sharing the rest of my sunshine .

4 people. One of which was my first real serious boyfriend, the longest adult relationship I have ever had. The only guy, who after 4 months of dating asked me to marry him. No ring, just a promise. I was 18, it was so romantic. I secretly thought about running off and marrying him and not telling a soul, still living separately, never telling our parents but only we would know- I am sure he did NOT feel the same way as me regarding secret nuptials... That lasted for over 2 years and fizzled away into anonymity. I hear he is married and has multiple children. Good for him.

The second was the first time I ever lived with a guy. I moved to Maine so we could have a house together. The second longest adult relationship I have ever had - over a year and we lived together, so like in DOG years that was like 3 years, right? Well, that ended horribly with a restraining order and many court appearances. That happens when one threatens my life...

The third was 9 months... A long distance relationship with a guy I had met online and I was ready to quit my job and move to where he lived. However, he had recently gotten out of a 14 year marriage and had never been on his own - the long distance was to his advantage and that fizzled out into nothing as well.

Most recently was only 4 months and maybe because it is the freshest it hurts the most. It wasn't ideal, I gave more than I was given. I was the perfect girlfriend. (A guy I dated once who I loved *or thought I did because he was like David Koresh* once told me I would make a great wife someday, if I could only be a good girlfriend)... Well, I was very selfless and gave a lot of time, energy and financial backing (remember this is very fresh so there might be some anger still in my tone) to a man I was willing to ask how high when he said jump. Obviously because I was a CHER to his Sonny- he couldn't handle my radiant loveliness and awesomeness so we fizzled into nothing...

I say fizzled into nothingness because when I love and want to be with someone I love hard, and when I am hurt I am hurt for a long time - I can not forgive and forget. Therefore you fizzle into nothingness - like you were before you were in my life- nothing.

So, were these examples really THE ONE? Obviously not. I have heard the line, "Not Mr. Right, but Mr. Right NOW... That's what they were. And with all this effort and realization, I am ready to put my feet firmly on the dating floor and kiss more toads (LORD KNOWS I HAVE KISSED A LOT OF THEM) to find this elusive one for me.

I look back at these "ones" and wonder if they ever look back at me as the one that got away... Of course they should... Dude, have you met me ????

P.M.S. (Pretty Massive Shit)

I am not sure if I am actually suffering from PMS or the realization of P.M.S. (See above)... It dawned on me on Friday that out of the 6.7 billion people on this planet, not a single person has the responsibility of making any of my issues his/her priority. Not a single family member or person in this world has the responsbility to consider my interest, worries, concerns, hang nails as a priority in his/her life.

That is really daunting and depressing.