The ONE?

On my 20 minute commute to work, which magically turned into a 47 minute commute (only when one is running late does the actual land travelled stretch farther, I swear) I was contemplating how I have had 4 "the ones" in my life. Seriously? How is that possible. I had probable mates that I actual thought were the one - all different people - and yet none of them were.

Being the one is different than actually telling that person you love them. I have been in love many times, but those weren't people with whom I actually contemplated sharing the rest of my sunshine .

4 people. One of which was my first real serious boyfriend, the longest adult relationship I have ever had. The only guy, who after 4 months of dating asked me to marry him. No ring, just a promise. I was 18, it was so romantic. I secretly thought about running off and marrying him and not telling a soul, still living separately, never telling our parents but only we would know- I am sure he did NOT feel the same way as me regarding secret nuptials... That lasted for over 2 years and fizzled away into anonymity. I hear he is married and has multiple children. Good for him.

The second was the first time I ever lived with a guy. I moved to Maine so we could have a house together. The second longest adult relationship I have ever had - over a year and we lived together, so like in DOG years that was like 3 years, right? Well, that ended horribly with a restraining order and many court appearances. That happens when one threatens my life...

The third was 9 months... A long distance relationship with a guy I had met online and I was ready to quit my job and move to where he lived. However, he had recently gotten out of a 14 year marriage and had never been on his own - the long distance was to his advantage and that fizzled out into nothing as well.

Most recently was only 4 months and maybe because it is the freshest it hurts the most. It wasn't ideal, I gave more than I was given. I was the perfect girlfriend. (A guy I dated once who I loved *or thought I did because he was like David Koresh* once told me I would make a great wife someday, if I could only be a good girlfriend)... Well, I was very selfless and gave a lot of time, energy and financial backing (remember this is very fresh so there might be some anger still in my tone) to a man I was willing to ask how high when he said jump. Obviously because I was a CHER to his Sonny- he couldn't handle my radiant loveliness and awesomeness so we fizzled into nothing...

I say fizzled into nothingness because when I love and want to be with someone I love hard, and when I am hurt I am hurt for a long time - I can not forgive and forget. Therefore you fizzle into nothingness - like you were before you were in my life- nothing.

So, were these examples really THE ONE? Obviously not. I have heard the line, "Not Mr. Right, but Mr. Right NOW... That's what they were. And with all this effort and realization, I am ready to put my feet firmly on the dating floor and kiss more toads (LORD KNOWS I HAVE KISSED A LOT OF THEM) to find this elusive one for me.

I look back at these "ones" and wonder if they ever look back at me as the one that got away... Of course they should... Dude, have you met me ????