The opposite of REM sleep is no effen sleep at all.

"There’s an emptiness inside her and she’d do anything to fill it in. And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now it’s more like cold blue ice in her heart. She feels like kicking out all the windows and setting fire to this life. She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright"

I woke up on the vile and wretched side of the bed today. I wanted to add the vile, wretched and sad side of the bed - but I just went to thesaurus.com and wretched is a synonym for sad - so wretched encompasses every aspect of what I mean...

I went to bed last night around 11ish, I guess. I was really tired. However, my body didn't realize I was tired because I woke up probably every half hour. So, since my alarm starts going off at 5:23am - that means (and clearly I am no mathematician, nor do I feign to ever be one) I woke up approximately 12 times during the night.

I definitely wanted to turn over a new leaf today - but I don't see myself being able to hold myself to it. I really like to think I am a positive ray of light (okay, that's pushing it)... A positive person. I really see the silver lining in things and look for the greater good in everyone and every thing. I see both sides to every story, I understand that a lot of gossip is just hearsay, when I take a quiz in a magazine, I know that I will just be the middle group - I just know that I am a good mix off both, you know? So, I decidedly wanted to stop complaining today - August 6, 2008 - Stop complaining about stuff that I have absolutely no control over and stop carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders... And on the eve of this telling new leaf, I sleep like crap because the weight of the world interrupted my slumber.

What, pray tell was I worried about? EVERYTHING and nothing all at the same time. Let me sneak you in to the recesses of my brain and how it spins (and spins and spins - no wonder I am dizzy all the time).

• I was worried about what I was going to wear to work today
• I was worried about the commute and if by next week I will have money to pay for the tolls
• I was wondering that if I ran out of toll money and I went the new back way to work if I would get lost or make it to work on time
• I was worrying about how am I going to talk to friends via text or on the phone when my cell phone gets shut off on Saturday
• I was wondering when does someone actually become a spinster (by definition a spinster is: a woman still unmarried beyond the usual age of marrying. )
• I was wondering do people actually think that one chooses to be single and alone
• I was wondering what it would be like to have dual incomes again and if I could even stay afloat if that ever happened to me
• I was wondering what it is like to die alone
• (and then this is where I go back to being 7 years old and afraid of dying) I wonder if death is like sleeping
• I wonder if I don't have kids if anyone would ever miss me
• I wonder if I have always just been
• I wonder why it is only me that sees thru my eyes
• I wonder why, if this is my only life - why I am short, fat and single
• I wonder why I moved to Concord
• I wonder why I switched jobs
• I wonder what happens if I get fired
• I wonder how am I going to come up with over $1000 by next week
• I wonder how I am going to survive and pay my bills when I haven't had a chance to save
• I wonder if I can return my economic stimulus coach bag to pay rent
• I wonder if the coffee I drink makes me stay up all night...

I wonder... and then my alarm went off...

Can you see why I am vile, wretched and on the verge of tears right now?