Turning a frown upside down

'Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile. '

Yesterday was the 27th anniversary of my brother's passing. It is probably one of the roughest days of my life. I know I was only 5 years old when I lost my brother - but I think about him a lot. He was the oldest, I am the youngest. I think about how he was born the same year as Michael J. Fox - so he would have turned 47 this past March. I think about what he would be like and how we would interact.

My brother wasn't born mentally retarded. He became ill and that illness caused him to become mentally retarded. He had severe seizures (which I think I have blocked out of my memory) and had to be placed into a facility to take care of him. Jackie was a great swimmer and even swam for the Special Olympics. The facility that was taking care of him took him, and many others, to Opeechee Park in Laconia to go swimming. From what I understand, Jackie had a seizure while under water and drowned. No one knew he was missing until the next day when his body was found face down in 4 feet of water.

Part of me thinks that Jackie isn't in pain anymore - not dealing w/ seizures. My brother had to wear a helmet as not to harm himself - when we buried him he wasn't wearing his helmet or his shoes - both of which he hated.

Yesterday, I went to the cemetery to bring my brother a rose. Now that I am living back in the area I felt the need to go and spend some time w/ him yesterday. I woke up early, but not too early as I had taken the day off to do so, and instantly motivated myself to go and get flowers and "say Hi". When I lived near the cemetery before, I would stop by, speak aloud to him and tell him good news and bad. This was my first visit since I moved back 3 months ago.

Of course I got lost in the cemetery - I can get lost walking from the bathroom to my bedroom - I swear. However, Christa McCauliffe's memorial is right near Jackie's - keeping a watchful eye on him. I pulled up and unwrapped my rose and wrote a note to my brother - telling him how much I miss him and I cleaned off the freshly mowed grass from his marker. I couldn't speak aloud at all. I simply cried silently. After approximately 15 minutes, I could only utter, "I love you" and I got in my car and left...

While I was leaving the cemetery, I texted a friend to see if he was awake - just for some kind words... When I got home and was laying on my bed wallowing in my own self pity and dreariness - this nice, kind friend invited me to go the beach with him and his family...

This invitation and rest of the day really caused me to turn a sad day into a very happy day. We swam in the ocean, played silly games and built sand castles. I am really grateful for having a happy memory for this day - which definitely turned my frown upside down!