It's been awhile

Hey Guys - I am back. Did you miss me?
I received a request to put something on my blogger page to have people be able to follow me, I don't know how to do that. Any hints?

T- minus

It is officially official. I am going under the knife for major surgery. I mean, I figured I might, in the back of mind, not get better after conservative treatment but I NEVER once thought I would have to have a discectomy and a cervical fusion.

This is scheduled for 8/12 and I am scared to death.

The future is so bright- IT SCARES ME

I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't had much to say. I haven't felt myself at all because my body hasn't allowed me to do anything I have wanted to do. I have always been a doer. Physically I don't know of anything I couldn't do or try and not kick ass at. Seriously. I have been on a NATIONAL Television show, I play roller derby. I mean, come on now.

Since April I haven't been able to do much other than sit on the sidelines and watch. Everything I have done since April really is just watching everyone else's life unfold, while my life just hangs in abeyance. I feel like a spectator in this whole life thing and I have no choice in the outcome.

I have managed some derby teams on our league and I feel that I am getting really good at it, but ultimately that isn't what I want to be doing. While I am pleased that people like my style of managing and that people still want me to manage, I just want to play, pass my dang level ones and skate like everyone else.

This could all change, possibly, on Thursday! I see Dr. Kleeman as a consult for surgery. I don't know if I will have surgery, but after Thursday I may! This scares me to death...

So many people have asked me this past week if I will ever be able to skate again and I, frankly, don't even know. That scares the everlovin' beejesus out of me. If I can't do sports, I don't know what I will do...

I hold on Slash featuring Kid Rock

I feel your comfort in my dreams
Unprotected silent screams
A light beyond your shadow beams
Still I don't know what it means

When seasons change
Then this remain

Chorus

I hold on because I won't let go
Even though I know there's solitude to low
I hold on cause I cant' let go
I refuse to let the hands of faith unfold
I hold on
And when the darkness turns a day
I won't let you drift away
Conscience fades and some let go
But I hang on cause I know
When seasons change
Then this remain

Chorus

I hold on because I won't let go
Even though I know there's solitude to low
I hold on cause I can't let go
I refuse to let the hands of faith unfold
I hold on

Slash solo

Chorus

I hold on because I won't let go
Even though I know there's solitude to low
I hold on because I can't let go
I refuse to let the hands of faith unfold

Noooo, Noooo

I refuse to let the hands of faith unfold

I hold on
I hold on

I refuse to let the hands of faith unfold

Ohh, I hold on

Sad

I am really sad today and I probably have been really sad for a long time... Let's say almost a month. I felt like that scene from Titanic when Jack is on the bow yelling, "I'm the king of the world" about a month ago... Now, I am feeling how I felt when I watched the scene for the first time when Rose let Jack's frozen/dead body go...


I feel like things were going relatively status quo and then BAM or POOF let's mix it up and see how Katie reacts. While I know that even if I can't skate right now, I still have my derby sisters. But there is a difference from being on the sidelines looking in and being out on the floor working up the best sweat of your life. Especially when one doesn't know the next time one can lace up her skates. While it was hard and it hurt and it was a struggle, I couldn't wait to do it again. Now, I have no idea when I will be able to. With that being said, I feel like the rest of my life is spiraling out of control like the spin of a wheel...

Nothing seems to make me happy. I just paid off my car. which is supposed to be a big step in my life, and all that extra cash now has to go to Physical Therapy copays. I just got two massive bills in the mail, that I had no idea were coming, for my Emergency room visit. I already paid $100 copay and now they want $300 more.

I feel that in every aspect of my life, something has changed and I am playing my own little game of Survivor: Heroes vs. Villians and I have to find a way to withstand every jab thrown and I can't seem to win a damned Immunity Idol. Each jab hurts in a different place and in a different way... Some jabs I don't feel because I have grown numb (both literally and figuratively) to them. Some jabs are familiar. Familiar to the point that I have already, once or twice, received the same jab previously and have adapted myself to not be in a perdicament to ever come face to face with this kind of jab again. In that adaptation, a masked predator, pretending to be a hero with me, shows their true colors and jabs me twice in the same spot and then makes me question if there ever realy was a jab to begin with; like a magician whose hand is quicker than the eye.

I mean, I am even a mess because Lost is finishing up. Seriously. I feel that nothing can be at status quo and that everyone else is on this awesome merry go round of life, enjoying the colors, the sounds, the sights and I am sitting back pondering the experiences of everyone else, thinking of the outcome... And when it is finally my turn to get on the merry go round, it closes for the day and I can't come back the following day.

So, I have given myself two days to play WOE IS ME... By monday morning I am the master and commander of my own destiny and I will get on that FUCKING merry go round if it is the last damned thing I do.

Life's little blessings

I have been pissed off for so long that I wasn't passing my level ones... Then, when I found out that I had a herniated disc at c6-c7 and Dr. Sobel said that I could not do sports at all because any sort of hit could cause a traumatic injury, I realized HOLY CRAP! Maybe it is a secret blessing that I hadn't passed because who knows how long I had this herniated disc? Maybe if I had passed my level ones and been hit by Vicious, I could have had some serious injury.

Kinda puts things in perspective. So, what I have to remember is that when life's bs gets to me, I have to just remind myself what COULD have happened had I been a level one.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...

I went to the doctor today to review my MRIs. I was thinking it was something that could be worked out with plain old deep tissue massage and reducing the stress in my life. I figured I would be cleared to play both roller derby and softball.

I couldn't have been more wrong. I have a prolapsed disc at C6-C7... Basically, a herniated disc. The doctor has no idea how this happened. There was not fall, not hit, not collision. Just woke up in pain. So, there are two avenues he would like me to persue simultanesously. One avenue consists of Physical Therapy with a trial of cervical traction and anti-inflammatories. While I am working on this, the other avenue, is to consult a SPINAL SURGEON. I am unable to play softball or roller derby because one collison could possible cause a severe spinal injury.

GREAT... Here's me passing my level one anytime soon. Here's me meeting my goal to somehow becomse scrimmage eligible for the next draft in July. I just want to skate and now I can't. I even had to email the guy running the softball team and ask for a refund. Seriously. I can't play. I was only told once in my life that I could play a sport and that was because of my knee, and you know what? I played anyway. I don't believe that can happen this time... I am completely devastated.

I just want to skate

Saturday morning I woke up with a pain in my back... I had experienced this type of shoulder/back pain before and it went away on its own, so I didn't think much of it. It kind of went away Saturday. When I woke up Sunday morning, it was uncomfortable again but it subsided. Monday when I woke up, it was back with a vegence and had a point to prove... My back/shoulder hurt, my pinky was numb and my left cheek (near my lip) was numb. I went to Urgent Care and was told it was Radiculopathy. I was given Vicodin and Prednisone. I figured since I had an appt with my doctor Tuesday (4/27) I would fine.

Each day the pain was different and worse. Today I wake up with absolutely zero feeling in my left forearm and pins and needles in my index and pinky finger. I had piercing pain in my shoulder blade and just above my elbow on the back of my arm. This pain has been followed by a million muscle spasms. I called my doctor and since she isn't in the office today, I was told to go to the ER. Because I am honestly scared shitless about this, I am waiting til I get out of work to go someplace I am familiar - Concord Hospital. I don't really know what can be done about this, maybe an MRI? However, the Vicodin and the Prednisone haven't done anything at all. Ibuprofen doesn't touch it either. I am afraid that it may be a pinch nerve, hopefully not disc related, but I don't want to have surgery. Being a former Worker's Comp adjuster and Short Term Disability Claims Manager I know the outcome of such surgeries are not good... How are they going to stop the numbness TODAY? I don't know..

I haven't been skating this week. It isn't because I have lost range of motion or anything like that. I feel that if I fall I may cause further damage. I have a big committment tomorrow. However, I do not want my fingers/arm to turn black and fall off.

I was watching some of the new girls at practice last night and they are so great. Not next week, but the following week assessments will happen again... I just want to skate. I want to use my new OrthoSoles and just skate, not worry about my arm falling off.

Just got my OrthoSoles Last NIGHT!!!!

I was STOKED to hear that our OrthoSoles were in and I can't wait to try them... I have a weird, out of the blue shoulder thing going on and can't really skate until I see my doctor. Went to Urgent Care on Monday... Have an appt with my PCP 4/27... But, in receiving my OrthoSoles, I checked them out - they have detachable arch and metatarsal inserts to customize to one's foot... This is awesome and I can't wait to try them out because I am practically flat footed... YAY... As soon as I get to try them out, I will let you all know... YAY!!!! Maybe this will help with my leg pain and maybe even CURE my odd shoulder pain!!! YAY ORTHOSOLES

Oh J.F.K., how much I love you... Let me count the ways

Last night was my first practice at JFK and I think I am in love... I was so scared of the floor hearing it was so slick and scary. Although I wasn't scrimmaging last night, I enjoyed the slickness of it. I actually feel that it helped me push with my back leg in doing crossovers.

I think once I got over the initial shock of being on the floor that I feared, I was scared that my wheels may fall off... I am not really mechanically inclined and to put the bearings in and screw them on myself made me nervous that I had them on too loose. At least I didn't have them so tight that they wouldn't even rotate, right?

I honestly do not know the kinds of wheels I had on, but I will tell you that I saw them on quite a few people's skates last night. I believe they are Shadows (from Radar) but I don't know the durameter (and sadly the first thing I thought of upon hearing the word durameter was DURA MATTER which is in our brain and spinal column. Remember, I may not be a doctor but I play one on TV). However, I felt in control on the floor with these wheels.

Our first drill was as a league. We skated around the track and when May blew the whistle, we would do a knee drop. I have done this drill in the past at Roller Kingdom, and specifically remember doing a knee drop, stopping my momentum and fighting (especially after a few times doing it) to get back up. Last night, I was just able to drop my knee and continue skating and it appeared to occur with ease. I alternated knees each time (to the best of my ability to remember which knee I had used previously)... May had mentioned that this will work your core and I was easily fatigued in my lower back/upper bum area... But it was an awesome work out. You know how I know, because I can feel it in my right quad today.

Next we did the same kind of drill but with plow stops. Not as fun but a good drill none the less. I forgot that we did the shopping cart drill where someone would push you from behind while you were in your skater stance and then when the whistle blew you would switch to the pusher... I did this with Vicious and although, once again, it kicked my ass, I didn't give up and I just kept doing it!!! I believe after that, we were split up into fresh meat and veterans again.

Fresh meat drills consisted of (in no particular order, because I think I am forgetting one)T-stops, a pack drill with people falling back or moving forward through the pack (with which I need to practice keeping sticky wheels. I kept picking up my skates, but I think I was doing that to navigate the corners and to keep my piggies from falling asleep),sticky wheels, jumps, dolly hops (MY NEW FAVORITE)and I think that was it...

Then we had the scrimmage which was different than our normal ones but very effective. It worked well because SFOD and QCCB played specific line ups to prepare for the scrimmage and see what worked and what didn't. I believe it was very appropriate and an effective way to prepare.

I love being at JFK, it was awesome to skate there and, most importantly it was so close to my house that I could have done the dance of joy (like Balki from Perfect Strangers)... I only had ONE toll to pay and I was in Concord in under 20 minutes... J.F.K. I could kiss you!

I can't wait to go back there next week for practice!!!!!

The diamond

Near the end of practice last night, the whole league was to do a drill together. This was for girls who could do cross overs and the training committee showed us the significance in skating in a diamond... I have heard this discussion previously, but at the time I didn't even know how to stand up in skates, let alone cross over and skate effectively in the diamond.

Now, I may not be able to explain it right, but I think in skating the diamond you are skating the least amount of space effectively and you are crossing over the whole time... Since the beginning of practice was freshmeat off in the corrall (or as I heard Rush call it The Shallow End), this drill was our first opportunity of the night to practice with the whole league. I jumped at the chance to practice my crossovers as it appears to be the one thing that is keeping me from being a level one.

With so many people on our league now, we attempted to do a pace line first with fresh meat at the front but we were supposed to remain an arm's length away from the person in front of us and that wasn't working. So, half of the league went to the middle of the of the track and did calisthenics while the other half skated the diamond. I was in the group that went in the center of the track first and did a squat for 1 minute. When the time was up, I exited the center of the track and started the diamond. It made sense and I was crossing over the whole time and then all I could hear was smack, smack, smack... I could hear each step I was making and I thought this isn't right, this isn't a graceful glide. A few people commented saying, "Good job D.K.B."! But as soon as that minute was up, I skated over to the freshmeat area and went up to Bettie. I told her how I did the diamond but previous to that drill, people were telling me that I should just practice doing a couple crossovers at a time... Bettie advised me it will come. I was just so mad at myself because I thought, once again, I am not getting my cross overs.

After practice Kenya and Lix asked me what happened in the drill. I told them that I pulled myself from the drill (beating myself up)and explained how I felt like I was slamming and not even doing a cross over and both of them told me that I was doing crossovers right and will never get noticed for trying by pulling myself from a drill. So, not only am I bummed that I didn't think I was doing my cross overs right, but Lix and Harmony were right... I never will pass if I pull myself from drills... It just seems like I can't win!!!

Hopefully I will have another chance to practice crossovers on Thursday.

I will say, excitingly, in practicing BASEBALL SLIDES (my favorite thing ever) I got my FIRST rink rash/fish net burn. Although it stings, it makes me feel a little more like an official Derby Girl.

OrthoSoles

I am so gall dang excited. I am going to be trying some insoles for OrthoSoles in my skates! I can't wait!!!!!! Since starting back up in January, I have been experiencing some weird leg pain (side of my calves and occasionally my shins) and now that I am working on my cross overs, I am feeling some discomfort in my not so present arches in my feet.. Love having practically flat feet!!!! SO, I can't wait to try out these insoles. I have NEVER used insoles before... can't wait to tell you all about it!

A new bunch of freshies

Last night was a new start date for new Fresh Meat... 16 showed up. What a huge new class of new girls. How exciting! Trina said there were 70 people at practice last night. PutUnya noted that the new fresh meat were enough to field their own team... WOW. Looking forward to see what they have to offer NHRD. I betcha they have a lot to bring to the table.
YAY!

Ch Ch Ch Cherry Bombs

It is official. I have been officially asked to be the manager of the CHERRY BOMBS. YAY ME... Love it!!! I love managing this team and they are so great to work with!

Everyone Loves a Parade

Sunday NHRD marched in the Manchester St. Patrick's day Parade. We had sun and WIND. What a day. It was slightly chilly and we were unable to throw candy or hand out ANY flyers, but we YELLED our brains out telling people about our season opener April 24th.

Manager?

As you all know, I have started a new endeavor in my life, it is called ROLLER DERBY. (Unless you have been living in a meat locker somewhere, I am sure you already know this). What you may also know is that, although I have been an athlete my whole life, roller skating is not something I have ever done before. Since, this has been a year of first, I have started trying new things within derby - stats was the first and now I am learning how to be a bench manager.

Hazardous Heat has been training me and last week was my first solo go at managing. I manged the Queen City Cherry Bombs... No pun intended but I had a blast. I felt like I knew what I was doing. I kept my cool the whole time. I never flipped out and that helped set the tone with the team. I am so pleased that other people noticed my level headed-ness (please check out the shout out I received in another blog: http://hazelgetscrunched.blogspot.com/). I have never really been known to be level headed so it is nice to know I was able to not flip out and maintain control and send people to the positions where they needed to be. If I needed someone else to step in they just said sure.

You should see the postings in fb:
Katie Mills THANK YOU Cherry Bombs for letting me manage! I enjoyed every single second. You guys rock!

Lisa DiLeo
i love when you manage, you stay so calm and keep it together so nicely. former teacher skills coming in handy :)
Fri at 12:07am ·

Julia Van Alst
you did a GREAT job!
Fri at 12:08am ·

Maura Branley
yes calm! ♥ me some DKB!!
Fri at 12:28am ·

Jena Cotreau
yup! another great job!
Fri at 12:48am ·

Jennifer Liskow Waltner
You're so zen it helps me hold it together. Awesomeness.
Fri at 7:40am ·

Katie Mills
You guys are so sweet. Thank you!!!
Fri at 8:03am ·

Keen On New England
nice job DKB!! i love how you delegated, "you, tell so and so they are this position next jam"
Fri at 12:36pm ·

Minda Henderson Shaheen
I thought you did a great job! Clear-headedness seems to come easy to you.
Sat at 4:50am ·

Heather Heatisis
what!! I have competition, where did that come from?I'm gonna kick your butt DKB--GOL(giggle out loud)-can we have a derby scrimmage for managers only?nevermind I gotta wait for my extra teammate to emerge
Sat at 9:15am ·

Sandra Morin Katie...you are the best manager I've seen! You are so calm and so cool, it's awesome. And that reflects on the team you're managing so they can stay focuesed . It's a pleasure to watch you guys WORK TOGETHER.

I have found something, in managing, that I really love... I also now have the sense of being on a team, not just on the league.

New Knee Pads

Okay, so for my birthday my mom gave me a check to buy new wheels. Well, I must have misunderstood the pricing on line from Bruised Boutique and they were less than I expected. Then Dee (Dee Stortion, owner and proprietor of Bruised Boutique) offered me a deal on the wheels I wanted, they were HALF off because they were discolored. Seriously, I don't care if the color is off, as long as they work... So, I had extra money to use and I wanted to get new knee pads.

When I first bought my gear, I hadn't even been on skates yet. With my previous knee injury (causing me to have screws in my knees) and 2 knee operations, I just wanted the biggest, bulkiest knee pads to keep me from causing any sort of injury to my knee. After many weeks of doing roller derby, I think my legs have toned up, my big knee pads actually got TOO big. The Large 187's ran out of Velcro and wouldn't stay where they were supposed to be. This isn't helpful when doing knee slides or anything... The pro about the big knee pad is that I could comfortably wear my knee brace without issue (that I know of).

So, with the extra birthday money, I was able to get a less bulky pair of knee pads... I got Pro Tec Knee pads. They fit more snugly and aren't shifting on my knees. The first time I wore them, Roller Kingdom had just buffed the floor and I wasn't sliding anywhere, they are now "broken in" and working great. The second practice I wore them, along with wearing my knee brace, I was trying to do a drill in a pace line and while skating my whole left leg felt like it was dead asleep. So, my last practice I skated with my new knee pads and didn't wear my brace. While I was kind scared to death, I felt safe with the snug knee pads and I actually felt like my leg had more flexibility...

Here's to my new knee pads - they freed my knee! I 'll keep you posted about the new wheels, won't know how they are until after our first practice at JFK 4/8!

Some new GEAR.... Post to come

I just wanted to share I got some new knee pads last night and some new wheels for when we practice at JFK... I am going to share with you a review of my new pads SOON and once I try out my new wheels, I will fill you in. Gotta say I LOVE BRUISED BOUTIQUE

Sometimes Facebook SUCKS

I was a myspace girl until my friend Katy Cummings told me about facebook and I have been hooked... Well, tonight I wanted to just get rid of my whole facebook profile. I know that SOMETIMES fb just picks random people in cyberspace and suggests them as friends. HOW IN GOD'S NAME DID FACEBOOK SUGGEST MY EX BOYFRIEND WHO I HAD TO GET A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST? I nearly shat my pants... Fb specifically thought that they guy who threatened to kill me should be my friend.

It kind of takes your breath away. I really thought that he was dead by now. Hell, when we dated he was a full blown drunk and then learned that if he did COKE he could drink more. Plus, his doctor told him as a teenager that he shouldn't drink hard liquor because it would kill him... so he continued to drink BEER.

Whatever, I don't think he is going to show up at my door step because I blocked him IMMEDIATELY but wtf fb... We are so fighting! If it wasn't for that dang game Sorority Life I would be so done with you....

No I in team

Last night we had a scrimmage with The Nutcrackers at the beginning of practice. I did stats for scrimmage. It was interesting to watch the scrimmage at the beginning of the practice because it is like HURRY up and watch and then jump right into practice. Whereas, the girls that scrimmaged are all warmed up.

We got through the scrimmage and started practice. It was an endurance practice. Yikes. I haven't really had much opportunity to build up my stamina and build endurance. I get nervous because my legs tire so easily.

We did a drill that was a team drill. One team did a pace line and the other team did a pack. The first couple of people that had to fight through the pack, I was ready to go. I was blocking people and I actually surprised myself, I kind of just looked over my shoulder and tried to block a few people. However, the speed of the pack and the amount of time/people going through the drill, I was just pooped and I got dizzy... So, I had to step out. I got a sip of water and got back in. Then, I attempted to continue the pack drill. I do think that Harmony Lix whipped me ahead of the pack. Well, I did that a little bit more then I got dizzy and pooped again. So, after getting some water I just continued to skate around the group. I hate that I can't keep up. This will come though, I have faith it will.

We did a relay drill where we ran on our toe stops, the duck walked, stopped however we wanted to then sprinted back. I was told by members on my team that a few times I brought the team back to the lead.. That is so awesome to hear because I feel like something just clicked!

The last drill of the night, we had to get back into our original group and was told that we had to do 40 laps as a team! I nearly shat my pants. Um, I was on a team of all veterans and amazing skaters. Immediately my team pulled together and moved me to the front and did EVERYTHING they could to make sure that we would do this all together. For close to 40 laps, I skated and then was pushed from behind and then literally pulled by Chicana. Seriously...
When those 40 laps were over, I got a little teary about how awesome everyone worked together to come to a common goal, completing 40 lapse TOGETHER. Amazing.

I know there is no I in team, but I am so glad that there is ROOM FOR ME!

Anti-Clockwise

My mom read somewhere that at different times of the year one is to change the direction the ceiling fan is going. She couldn't remember the opposite of clockwise, so she wrote herself a note to turn the fan ANTI-CLOCKWISE.

I share that anecdote because in Roller Derby we skate counterclockwise normally. However, in practice to build up the "opposite" muscle group we skate the opposite way. THIS KICKS MY ASS. I can't do the cross overs with the opposite leg. Frankly I can't even master the crossovers with the correct leg. I groan and moan and just hate it when I hear training tell us to turn around and sprint the other way. So, I will now, forever, refer to that as anti-clockwise, because I am so ANTI every time we have to do it!

Last night's practice was complete agility and we would do a drill and then do a 2 minute sprint. I was pooped last night because I was doing so many new things and my body didn't really know how to react. We did balance drills, we skated backwards, we did transitions, turning toe stops, skating around cones on one leg... The last sprint was anti-clockwise and I was beat. However, Bettie came up behind me and verbally pushed me to push myself for that last 2 minutes. It was SO what I needed because I was ready to give up! I needed that kind of positive reinforcement to push me to continue. It wasn't like a mandate to "do my crossovers", it was positively pushing me and that made my whole practice... It was like Bettie "knew me" to know that was what I needed. Which means that next time I know I will be able to do it on my own...

Even though I am ANTI clockwise, I am PRO positive reinforcement!

(okay so my Anti-clockwise analogy doesn't really work, but just roll with me, okay?)

Baby Steps

I have to remember that I just put skates on for the first time in September. It is now February. I started skating 23 weeks ago (167 days)... I can't just think I am going to be an Olympian in 167 days... I wasn't an all star softball player in 167 days. I am being my own worse critic. Someone actually told me that they thought I would QUIT because I didn't pass my level ones again. Obviously, that is SO not the case with me. I don't quit. The only thing I quit is SMOKING and that's about it...

In the beginning I was tired of saying this is my second time on skates, this is my third time on skates because the girls in my first Fresh Meat group and my second Fresh Meat group were (are) so talented... I didn't want it to be about me never skating before. While I don't want it to be all about me never skating, I think it has to be in order for me not to be my worst critic. But when you have a new girl asking you, "So are you a Fresh Meat or a Veteran"? It is hard not hold back the emotions of it all and see how far one hasn't come. My response was, " This is my second fresh meat class, I didn't pass my level one both times I was assessed". And the response was "Oh". Yup. That's when the beating myself up begins.

I need to not beat myself up because of my ability or inability. I need to remember that the girls I started skating with in September and in January had skated before in their lives and are now at the scrimmage level and I am at the same level I was as day 1. I have done many things in my life, just never with wheels on my feet... I have to remember that!

I worked on transitions last night - that crazy turning toe stop action... I kind of got it and it surprised me how I got the mechanics and it just clicked. However, before that, I got all bent out of shape because we had to do a drill that required me to skate backwards. Um, I just barely mastered forwards... I did the drill to the best of my ability, but I have to remember that almost every new thing is a milestone and I should be proud that I got THAT far. I can't beat myself up about how I didn't master it immediately....

So, while I want my new goal to be that I can hit and be able to hit so well that I can take down Vicious. My real goal has to be that I have to allow myself the baby steps and not look at how far I have to go but how far I have come... This is hard because I want to be farther than I am, but the road ahead is much shorter than the road behind me, right?

Baby steps. (Thanks Bettie for once again putting this in perspective for me).

Heart Breaker's Ball

My first event as Fundraising Committee Chair has come and gone... PHEW (visualize me wipping the sweat from my brow)! I think I was a complete stress ball at the event, but I do think, overall, it was an enjoyable night.

There were a few hitches that I didn't know about (50/50 raffle and King and Queen of the Ball) and the prizes for the committee that sold the most tickets for their basket weren't there... Still not quite sure what they are too...

But, it looks like the night was a success. Hopefully we made some cash... I added it all up and it looks like a lucrative amount. THANK GOODNESS.

Next event I should be able to sit back and relax a little more.

Scrimmage

Last night our practice was at 8:15pm, a short one, but not short on the intensity... While I enjoyed the drills and working my ass off for that hour, what I will say is that I THOROUGHLY ENJOYED MANAGING THE BLACK TEAM....

It was a challenge with people in the box (not my Dirty Kat Box) or injuries or people just being tired, but it was so much fun to feel a part of the scrimmage...

I hope someday I can do that again... I kept my skates on for the whole thing and had to skate over and make eye contact and tell people their positions. I just liked it... I mean, I enjoy doing stats in the middle, but this time I felt like a part of the team...

And finally, I GOT TO HIT!

Hitting drills were on the menu for last night's practice and I found my favorite thing to do!!! I have been waiting for this moment for approximately 33 years, more or less.

We first did a drill where we had to skate under a jump rope and "jump" up like a pretend hit. We were to use our legs and pop up... At the end of weaving and popping we were to skate to a person in the end holding a hitting pad and give him our best hit... The first time through the line, I got clothes lined. May B Knotty was the end and giggled at my attempt (and it made me chuckle)... The second time, I heeded Heat's advise and to use my knees and I lost my balance completely. I caught myself from falling but it wasn't pretty. The third time, I believe I got it.

Then we had to skate around with our Skater Sister and LEAN into a hit (since I am still no contact, I couldn't actually hit, per se, but I could lean into it. And this was the best thing every... I was pretty much able to push my Skater Sister out each time, while trying to keep my elbows in... Man that was so much fun.

Then after all that, we went off to the side, took our skates off and learned the basics of how to hit... This was by far my favorite part. Every hit or stance I could relate to another sport or something I am skilled in... Keeping my elbows in and getting low is like volley ball... the lower the base of the hit the harder it is to get knocked down - like the strike zone (kind of).. Swooping in is like BOXING OUT in basket ball and the hip check is like a dance move...

YAY... I enjoyed that thoroughly. Plus, teaching Nancy and Yvonne how to do stats (or at least try to teach them) was so much fun.. They were such great learners and I enjoyed being on top of it - except that ONE TIME I zoned out and Woody yelled at me to get my attention, but I TOTALLY deserved it...

Can't wait to practice it some more.

Derby, Derby, Derby

I seriously feel like I am back in college and President of my Sorority once again... To quote my boyfriend, "a Low life living the High Life". College was the best time of my life. I had so many friends, everyone on campus knew me (that could be an over statement, but my theory was that since I worked in the bookstore, everyone at least SAW me). I didn't have a care in the world. Money wasn't an issue because I was the President and didn't have to PAY to get into parties, I was respected because I was a member of the executive board of Greek Senate. I felt like the belle of the ball...

Getting back into something like Roller Derby with NHRD is like being in a sorority again, minus the drinking all the time... It is ironic to me that although I will forever be a sister of Eta Gamma Chi, the year that HrX ceases to exist, I find a place to fit, and really feel like I belong...

My days are filled with meetings and practice and people that want to spend time with me and are interested in my day to day stuff... If my facebook status is kind of down in the dumps - I get emails that someone will take care of who ever put the pus on my face... It is nice to feel part of something again.

Also, being a part of this team makes me feel better about me. Although not all things work out the way I want them to, people seem to really understand me and I am no longer on the island of misfit toys. Friday, I get home from work and what seemed like a really long week and I have an anonymous card in my mailbox, with no return address, just a postmark from Manchester. It is addressed to Dirty Kat Box (and I am 100% certain that the mailman laughed his ass off) and it is signed LOVE, ME... It says some really nice things to me and it made me cry (a second time this week) for all the right reasons. Once again, I get reassured that I somehow have made a difference to some people and they genuinely care about me and my feelings.

I am lucky enough to say I have met some wonderful people in my life, and even luckier to have these people in my friends column. However, I can't even express in words how awesome it feels to know that some of these people that I have met recently, within the past 4 months, are so welcoming and help me feel like I belong.

Being a single lady in her 30's, I sometimes think of my lonely times and to know that I have some great friends to spend time with and make me feel good about myself, makes me not feel so lonely.

I will also say that I do have some "old" friends from KSC/K&Q/WRHS that do make me feel like I belong and are great people. Our lives have brought us to different places in life physically, relationally, professionally and personally. These people are also important people in my life that aided me in becoming who I am now and I cherish every minute we have spent and will spend together...

Derby is everything about being in college that I loved AND you get to skate around and eventually get to knock people down too... Who could ask for anything more?! hehehehe

It was the best of days, it was the worst of days

Assessments... I don't know why I get so tense with EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING? Probably because I don't like doing things wrong. Who does? Probably because I want to pass SO bad. Probably because I am not used to performing badly at an athletic level.

I have played sports since I was five years old. YES this is the first time I have ever played sports on wheels, but still... I am extremely frustrated in myself that it isn't coming to me easier... Could it be that I am now 33 years old? Maybe. Could it be that I weigh more? Who knows. What I do know is that it bugs me to no end. I eat, sleep and breath thinking about these dastardly crossovers. And, once I get those, who knows how long it will take me to get the turning toe stops?

So, Monday's assessment went slightly better than my first assessment. Interestingly enough I realized I was wearing the same socks as I wore on 10/09/09... Which may be why I had the same leg pain, but that could just be an excuse (They are the Keen socks and they are tight). I think I nailed the same stuff I nailed last time - t stops, toe stops, plow stops, single knee slides, rock star slides, and BASEBALL SLIDES (MY FAVORITE). Last time, after 8 practices, I didn't have any balance. I couldn't skate around on one foot to save my life... This time, it was like second nature.... However, the crossovers are what caused me to not pass. Last time, (10/09/09) I couldn't even fathom DOING a crossover... This time, I did the crossovers as I have been doing them since I figured out how to physically do them. Interestingly enough, this is wrong. I was told I do a cross over like I am running and that I need to do them more sweepingly and with a "glide". I get that. It makes sense. I have learned how to do crossovers by watching other people, so in theory I was translating what I saw into how I was doing the crossovers. I must have been watching wrong.

When we were advised who passed, I didn't hear my name. Not shocked but still hoping, in my heart of hearts, that I would pass. Nope. However, it was stated (in front of everyone) how far I have come since never being on skates before September and I should be proud of how far I have come. Okay. Proud of failing my level one assessment not once, but twice. Proud of failure. That doesn't work for me. Has anyone on the team failed twice... Nope, just Katie Mills.

So, I turned it into a Katie Mills pity party for a little bit... I am now able to not get teary about it, but I am just frustrated with myself. I don't fail. Next practice that I am able to attend, I am going to try and glide. I will be a level 1.

The part that made it the best of days was that when I walked into practice a bunch of my friends came up to me and said they were staging an intervention... I was confused because I hadn't drank that day... They handed me an envelope (which I had difficulty opening) and within that envelope were tickets to see KID ROCK at Mohegan Sun. The concert I was bummed that I wouldn't be able to attend because I just couldn't afford it... I BURST into tears... I couldn't believe it. No one has EVER done anything so nice for me in my life... So, when I think back about how bad I felt at the end of practice, I remember how awesome I felt at the beginning of practice. And that makes me smile, and will continue to make me smile for a long, long time.

UNH First Home Meet

I have wanted to Gymnastics since I was 6 years old. I went today to UNH to see their invitational with Ball State, Utah State and Yale... I have never seen a 10 given as a score and I saw 3 today... It wasn't the ending score of the routine but they got 10's... So cool.
The best part about going to the meets is that I get to text Lisa in VA and tell her how it is going... It is almost like she is sitting right next to me and enjoying the meet with me..

Day with Heather and Caitlin

Today I went to my first ever Lia Sophia party. I had such a great time. After the party, we went to the Red Blazer. I love going to the Red Blazer with Heather. She is the best wing man... Some of the waiters/servers at the Blazer are cute... And I will say that I have been on a dry spell for a while... I did have a brief tip toe into a quick dating spree with a guy who was STILL married to a woman from Uruguay... It fizzled out fast, but I digress. That was May. It is now January and here's to better men in 2010, right?

So, our server was a 38 year old man named Steve. Nice smile... When we get a cute server, I get a little giddy so the laughs and jokes start a flying... SO MUCH FUN... And I am beyond full...

Thanks Heather and Caitlin - I had such a great time!

Derby - back in full swing- Level ONE here I come!

I have been to four derby practices in 2010 and it feels like I haven't skipped a beat.... Like there was no break at all...

The first few practices the Fresh Meat (which I am still part of because I haven't passed my level ones) were skating separate from everyone else. On the first practice Miss Chif was with me and made a comment about not wanting to be with the fresh meat and Empress took her aside and assessed her - she is now a level one... So, EVERY girl that started with me in September is a level 1 but me... It frustrates me that I am not picking it up as quick as I want to. I want to be a level one... I want to move up the derby food chain.

At the fourth practice, I got some good constructive criticism... I LOOK PETRIFIED when I skate... I had no idea... Seriously. The other piece of info I got was that I am standing up pretty straight, not in a derby stance... Dude, I thought I was getting low... NO IDEA...

So, maybe these little tidbits will help me get the skate skating and move towards my goal of progressing to a level one... Seriously - leaps and bounds from my first day ever on skates. I have even fallen a few times more lately. I say this because it scared me a little bit, thinking if I fell I might hurt myself seriously... I fell like 4 times this week... No serious injuries yet (knock on wood).

I have asked some of the girls if they could video tape me trying to do my cross overs too. I WANT TO NAIL THEM... I want to be a level one so bad. I want to learn how to hit... You want to know why I want to learn how to hit? It scares the crap out of me, but it sounds like it is so much fun...

At our last practice we did a drill where all the freshies were skating in a line and we had to weave in and out of them... I loved it... I was trying to do my cross overs at the corners but then I felt like I was getting too much speed and was getting a head of myself... I loved this drill... It felt like real derby...

The best is yet to come - LEVEL ONE!

I have had enough

I have already sent in two written complaints and it feels like it is to no avail...

This is my BASS report:

1/8:

7:20pm

louder at 7:49pm

blaring at 8:03pm

continuous bassline at 8:21pm, continuing through 8:49 and until 10:42pm where I stopped writing it down

1/9

bass started at 2:03pm

3:14pm

3:19pm

3:36pm

4:44pm

6:25pm

7:33pm

7:54pm

8:46pm

9:08pm

9:46pm- this is when I decided to stop writting things down and put on a fan, turned up my TV and could still hear it - this is when I started to write my third letter of complaint.

1/10

Bass started at 1:03pm

Big Girl day

I know it doesn't sound like much but today was the first day in a while where I felt like an adult and also proud of who I am and how I am perceived... I will explain. First I must explain that I am always proud of who I am but it is often how I am perceived that takes the skip out of my step... I do know that I shouldn't care about what other people think of me, but for some reason it is like GROUND HOG day and I wake up trying to please everyone else but myself.

But today was a different day, a day I would like to post up on my refrigerator... Today was the first day that I got to use the envelopes provided to parishioners at church. So, although I already registered to be a member of the parish, I got to use the envelopes today. Well, I know that doesn't sound all exciting because within that envelope it means I have to give money to the church, but it made me feel like an adult...

Then, at church this morning, when I went up for the Eucharist, the priest was on our side of the church and he gave me the host and then commented to me, "You keep smiling okay"! That really made my whole day. He saw me in the church and saw me smiling... That's huge... I made an indelible impression...

Which got me to thinking. The main thing I hate about living in Concord is my commute... But instead of thinking of reasons why I hate living in Concord - my downstairs neighbors are second on the list to my commute- I should think of all the good things about living here. Just as much as I would like to move closer to work, I would like to stay. While a lot of my "life" is outside of Concord, I am growing to really like being here. I mean, I don't see the people I don't want to see... But I make it a point to see the people I want to see. I feel like I belong. Could that be because I joined the parish? I don't know. Parish means neighborhood, but I don't really know the people in my church other than Heather and Caitlin, but eventually, right?

Maybe the worrying about others isn't so much just that, it is just wanting a place to be. Right now, I have to remind myself I don't live a solitary, lonely life. That I share my life with many different "neighborhoods". So, I guess it doesn't truly matter where I hang my hat, or how far I have to drive, it has to be where I feel I fit.

Maybe that's another big girl revelation!