harumph

I just noticed that in 2009 I blogged 92 times... In 2008 I blogged 134 times... and the last three months I have only blogged 6 times each month (THAT'S WHY I AM BLOGGING RIGHT NOW TO MAKE IT 7 TIMES IN DECEMBER!

I need to blog more in 2010!

I wonder if because I had a bf in 2008 if I blogged more? Maybe because I was working at Liberty and found it easier to blog during the day... I think I am actually more busy here than at Liberty.... Well, the busy stuff is more fun that the Liberty busy work... Now I am rambling.

Wants, peeves and Resolutions - Here I come 2010

My wants and resolutions are basically the same - a DRAMA FREE 2010... Is that too much to ask? I don't think, or can recall, that I have actually been the cause of the drama but I know I have been surrounded by it for quite a long time. So, I know I used to be the "Go To Gal" for advise (or maybe because I used to be a YES GIRL) but BACK the EFF off if you are going to come to me and cause me to become enswirled (I think I just made that word up) in your drama... Save it!

I want to rant about a big peeve that I would like to see changed (BECAUSE I SAID SO) in 2010. I vaguely remember from Drivers Ed that at dawn and dusk DRIVERS MUST TURN THEIR LIGHTS ON... Why don't all people abide by that? Maine also has it right - in their laws it states if a motorist is to have their wipers on, their lights should be on too. Really, is that difficult? I drive 80 miles a day and some times more and I ALWAYS have my lights on and it isn't because of day time running lamps. (DUDE, my pt still has a cassette, even though it is a 2005, do you honestly expect it to have day time running lamps? Pushaw!) And I don't think these dumbasses who don't have their lights on are wrapped up in the urban legend bs that if you flash your high beams at them it is a gang initiation and they will kill you. I CALL BULL CRAP! This is NH, not Compton!

So, to sum all this up. I have zero tolerance for any drama and turn your damn lights on! Oh, and quit playing your bass so loud... That's it - Mills out!

Good friends and good times

I met up with my friend Lisa, who lives in VA and my friend Marianne, who lives in MA, yesterday for our now ANNUAL Christmas lunch. We went to the Loop in Metheun - which is the same place we went last year for our lunch...

We sat and talked for at least 3 hours at our table - and I can honestly say NOTHING BEATS THAT. To be amongst friends chit chatting about what ever our hearts desire, it was such good times. I didn't want it to end.

Luckily, we found out that Lisa will be coming back up in March to see UNH gymnastics host the EAGL Championship. YAY!

Dreams for the future

My new mantra for 2010 is BETTER MEN in 2010... However, I have one true wish for my future (maybe not so much in 2010 because I don't know how it is possible) but I would love to not have to live paycheck to paycheck.

I don't have any credit cards because I know that I can't have them - I would have flat screens in every room and not know how to pay for them. I just don't want to worry about wanting something new. Not even a luxury item, but not to be concerned that I won't have gas to get to work or rationalize toll money to having dinner.

So - here's to 2010!

Silent night

Weird. I don't know what my problem is. I know that I personally watch TV really loud. However, I have an aversion to BASS (not the fish, the loud stuff in music, specifically rap)... I don't even have the bass on in my car.

I hate it when I am sitting in my apartment and hear bass - and it hasn't really happened before tonight. First someone steals my fed ex package and now someone is blaring bass. Okay, so I don't know what happened to me in my life that it causes me to get SO ANGRY when I can hear bass in my apartment... It gets me so fed up that every time I hear it, I have to pause or mute the TV and make sure it is really what I am hearing, and guess what - it is really what I am hearing...

So, it angers me so much, it makes my heart race and tonight I actually had to leave my house and go and do something for a little bit to calm back down... In leaving my apartment, NO LIE, when I got to my car and turned it on -the radio started to play KID ROCK. It wasn't my Ipod or a CD - it was WHEB playing BAWITABA. I totally had a Kid Rock moment...

After my Kid Rock moment, I get back and now all I can hear is bass. I have even turned up my own TV to the point that it is really loud. You know, this bass isn't even really that loud, but it hurts my head. I don't know what about bass bothers me. Heck, I love Lance Bass.

I think it brings me back to being in a noisy dorm room, or living in Emerald Court when I was student teaching and just hearing bam bam bam of the bass when I was trying to sleep. It gets me all worked up, gives me a head ache and sadly, it makes me feel like I have to leave my apartment...

I just want to turn my TV down and not hear boom boom boom. Why does bass make me so unhappy? It gives me slight anxiety (or makes my heart race and makes it hard for me to breath)... isn't that weird? Why does it make me get all worked up? Normal people get worked up about spiders or lightening. I get all a flutter (not in a good way) about hearing bass in my apartment.

Do I think that I won't be able to sleep? I don't know... But it disrupts me.

Derby Filled weekend

I totally did all things derby this weekend, except skate - that's this Thursday (and I can't wait) - that rhymes.

NHRD was #73 in the Manchester Holiday Spirit parade - in the snow and wet and cold... And then yesterday was a Photo shoot... How fun was that? I haven't done a photo shoot since the mole and it wasn't as exciting as a photo shoot on skates, making mean faces, growling and making fists!

"Brake" Dancing

For the past three months, I have been, or so I thought, Waltzing to and from work - but in actuality it was more of a disjointed, contemporary dance... Probably choreographed by Mia Michaels.

In having my car looked over to see what was out of step, I was advising I only had about a week left of dancing - IF THAT- or I would have had to take my dancing shoes off for a while, or cause other people the same fate.

However, my dance step is back in beat, I am performing like a precision dancer - ARGENTINE TANGO STYLE.... Just gotta figure out how to pay for the lessons!

Thank you card OBSESSION

I totally am obsessed with thank you cards. I love buying them, I feel the urgency to send them almost immediately. However, I think this is a dying art form. With Internet and e-cards, so many people shoot an email of thanks. I think that NOTHING BEATS a snail mail note in the mail. Plus, every year for my birthday and Christmas, one of my gifts would be thank you cards (and possibly stamps) and my mother told me I had less than a week to get them out. Now, I do them almost immediately.

My mother is STILL angry that she didn't get a thank you card for a wedding present she went to in 2001.... Seriously.

I am obsessed with snail mail - to me, minus the bills, it is like Christmas every day. I sometimes will just snail mail an article I read to someone because it reminds me of them or it is something I think he/she may find interesting. I also mail calendar pages (one a days) to people AFTER their birthday so they get to see their birthday kitty. I am sure MOST people throw these away, but there is definite sentiment in me sending them...

I think this also fuels my obsession to send cards to people for birthdays, anniversaries, mother's/father's day... I just like people to know I acknowledge them...

Sometimes I will send a thank you card for a kind gesture, not even an actual, tangible thing... I think it is important to let people know you appreciate them and their actions.

My biggest thing is sending a thank you card after a job interview. I can't believe that people don't know about this or just don't do it... IT IS KEY!!!!

Don't feel the need to send me a thank you card after reading this - it is just a little present from me to you!

flu bug blecka

Just wanted to say that once it bites ya, it sticks!!!! For like over a month or two...

Black Friday

WHY did I volunteer to work today?

Hammer and Sickle

My boss gave Steph and myself a bottle of Hammer and Sickle Vodka today for the holiday and that we are kicking ass and that we are bringing in a lot of business... YAY!

Derby #

Also found out that since NH Roller Derby is going with WFTDA rules, MEOW can't be my derby number. So, my new Derby number is 9 lives.... PERFECT...
Not sure what I should do for my SKATEY KAT photo shoot on 12/6 - any thoughts?

Wow: Lapse in entries but not in judgement

I can't believe I haven't blogged in over a month. I love to blog and I think about tons of posts all the time. I guess I have been very busy, and interestingly enough, after a long day of work, I have been coming home and telling myself to not turn on my computer. When would I ever tell myself that I can't turn on my 'puter and dabble on facebook?

I think that my 80 mile commute a day and long hours at work has caused me to come home and run errands and then stare at a different screen (the TV screen) to catch up on my DVR... My DVR is another whole story... I HAVE ACTUALLY CUT OUT SHOWS FROM MY REPERTOIRE... Can you believe it?

I thought that when derby stopped at the end of October that for a little while, my life would slow down. Au contraire... It is almost like I am making more time for things I was too tired to do or I am trying to do EVERYTHING... Let's see... Last weekend was the Kings and Queens Reunion. This week is hair cut, Nerve Conduction Study, Thanksgiving, VOLUNTEERING TO WORK ON FRIDAY, Taunton for the weekend, skating on Sunday, Sponsorship Meeting on Monday and possibly a visit from my Best Friend on Tuesday. Serious... And that is only two weeks in November... Seriously...

December brings me to a Parade and a photo shoot the first weekend... Then a sleigh ride, Brows and lashes appointment, Gymnastics, a girls night out/dinner with friends.... Which happens to coincide with a friend's b-day so I can't go to his festivities.... So, that is a month of stuff spelled out into those two paragraph... WOW.

With work, I am loving my job, and I try to do everything in one day... However, I have been really sick this fall too... Out one week in September, lost my voice in November and then a minute relapse this Monday. Candle... burning... both ends, right?

So, the other thing that has been weighing on me lately is I definitely hate my commute but I think I really like living in Concord. Am I growing roots? I know what isn't growing... BRAKE PADS... I need to get my car fixed too. When I step on my brakes it sounds like a snow plow...

Okay - a month worth of stuff... What do you think?

Closer and closer to monetary bliss

The bosses at my company FINALLY realized that the "cancer" of a person at my job wasn't doing a damn thing and they fired her today... After a week of her not talking to me... And she called in the last two days and showed up today (only to be fired) smelling like a month old pair of dirty underpants that was lit on fire.

Practice #10 and #11

I am so close to getting my crossovers - it just isn't coming naturally for me and this coming week is the LAST week before 2 months off... It won't be two months off for me. I will be going to most of the Sunday CMRD practices... I am sure things happened specifically important during these last two practices, but it has been too long.

I know one practice I got to actually participate in a jam, but since I didn't pass my level ones I am not allowed to get hit - so, it was a two minute jam- I really got to see how a blocker works and held my own...

At that same practice I got to practice some weird turns and Woody Yankabitch complemented me...

The girl that told me she was the worst in the league until I showed up changed her tune. She told me I was doing awesome and that the reason why I will get it is, is because of my determination.

Practice #9 Definitely not prepared!!!

We have our level one assessment on Thursdays Wasn't prepared for that as Empress Explosiva said she was going to test us Sunday...

We did a wicked long/rough drill and then Empress stared our Assessment. I knew I wouldn't pass because I can't CROSS OVER (PESKY CROSS OVERS) but I was so incapable of doing a lot of the stuff she asked us to do at the beginning... To the point where as I was skating I actually started crying... I share this because I was so embarrassed. I was certain that people were looking at me and making fun of my inability to do what everyone else in the group could do... I couldn't believe that they would expect after only being on skates that I would be able to do this... Plus, I thought they passed everybody....

Obviously I didn't pass, but let me tell you when we worked on single knee slides, rock star slides, 180 knee slides, baseball slides and 4 on the floors- I kicked ass.... However, not everyone passes... I know specifically that myself and one other person (who can do crossovers) didn't pass, I believe one more person didn't pass but I am not sure.

This means that everyone else I started with are no longer fresh meat - they are level ones... They can take hits... I don't know what it means to the other girls that didn't pass, let alone how we will be treated at our next practice... I do know there is a girl who has been a fresh meat for over a year... THAT WON'T BE ME!!!!

Practice #8 (considered a practice but not really a practice

LEAGUE MEETING...

After being a sorority sister for a very long time, Robert's rules of order is something I know well. NHRD doesn't really know how t hat works....

I have really never been to a such a disorganized meeting in my life, at least for someone who had regimented sorority meetings weekly for 4 years of college. There was a huge issue on the table... TEAMING... NHRD would encompass an travel team (Skate Free or Die) then an A League and a B league - names to come later... This information was not provided to the group ahead of time to review and read before the meeting in order to review and come prepared with questions (or at least to my knowledge).

There was no Sergeant at Arms to call on people or tell people to be quiet.

Never thought I would say this but HrX really prepared me for how meetings should be handled and run appropriately.

However, HrX never allowed us to drink beer DURING the meetings...

(I found out after the fact that a league meeting counts as a practice... I wrote in to have my DERBY NAME officially submitted to the Two Evils website... this was the response I got:

Hi Katie,
Ok, I have you on the list for the next batch of names that get sent. I'm supposed to wait until the last batch of names get registered and as of right now, Two Evils is about 5 months behind. It's ridiculous. So... please be patient.
Also, I checked your name for "uniqueness" in the Two Evils Master List and yours came up as a "high risk". That means that there is a chance Two Evils could reject your name because it is very similar to one already registered (Skate Goat). I personally, don't think they would reject yours as I've seen ones even closer that got registered.
I just wanted to warn you in case you'd rather not take the risk of waiting forever for your name to come up, only to then be rejected. If that's the case then you should send me another name. I will let you know when I am sending the new batch of names to Two Evils. Thanks... and congrats!!

Seriously... Skate Goat and Skatey Kat - so not even close.)

Practice #7 with Speedy dan

We were given a hint that someone was going to be coming to practice and instructing us on endurance... WOWSERS. The nastiest of drills was a line of derby girls, in a line squatting and the last person in the line has to PUSH the whole line for one lap. We had about 15-20 peeps in our line. HOLY HELL!

After that, it was supposed to be a drill for people to do crossovers. PESKY crossovers. I can't do those and was slightly embarrassed to say - HEY BUDDY, I can't do these. So, Terri asked, "What about those people that don't know how to do crossovers?" (let me set the stage... there was probably 50-60 people there as we shared this training session with CMRD) Speedy dan asked for all the people who don't know how to do crossovers to come over to the corner with him... It was myself, Tallulah and some man with a long braid...

This is where it gets interesting:

Speedy dan is showing us the technique Tallulah and I understand but just can't physically do yet and has us practice standing still and crossing our right skate over our left skate....

Tallulah turned to me and said SHE WAS THE WORST SKATER ON THE LEAGUE UNTIL I STARTED!!!! I tried not take it personally but when I told my Fresh Meat girls I burst into tears. LUCKILY we were all sweaty from SPEEDY DAN's endurance training so no one would know the difference. This isn't the first time she has said something like that but the first time i blew it off as she didn't mean it that way...After all of that, she didn't even finish the rest of the practice. She went and sat down and my Fresh Meat girls rallied me on!

This really chapped my ass so I told my skater sister about this and also another skater who has been really awesome to me...

Practice #6 Scrimmage with the Nutcrackers

You should she the posts on my facebook page from some of my teammates after Thursday's practice:

You did amazing tonight Katie!! I'm so proud of you for trying new things... So brave!!

I can't believe she just started skating a few weeks ago!!!

Skatey Kat..short and sweet...you rocked on the track tonight! :O)

Skatey Kat rocks and is MY inspiration! You keep up that good work and you will be scrimmaging in no time!!!!

YOU are AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!! you did so good last night!!!! keep up the awesome job!!!!

and my all time favorite:
You inspire me!! You don't realize how brave it was for you to do the drill with the 3 groups last night. You could have easily said I don't want to try it because I'm not ready and sat it out. You watched it and you jumped right in. AMAZEABALLS (you're amazing and have balls)!!!


It started out as just a regular practice. I believe we skated one way and did squats while skating and then did just pushing with our left leg and then right leg. After all these warm ups, we did a drill... Three different teams. One the jammer and two blockers. The jammer starts at turn one. The blocker skates out at turn 3 to block the jammer and a 2nd blocker comes out at turn 4. I was scared because the veteran skaters were actually blocking and it was like we were doing a true jam. However, for fresh meat, no contact. I did all three positions and when I was a jammer I almost got through. I got a little nervous that I was afraid I would knock down the other girls. I say this because when someone isn't completely at the same level as another person, I was afraid my inability could trip the other person or hurt the other person SOME HOW so I just kind of got nervous. I was like, "oops sorry, oops, excuse me".... That kind of stuff... But I did it!!!!

I am kind of tired of saying well, I have only been on skates 5 times or Sunday will be my seventh time on skates ever... I think that will pass.

Friday was the opening of Whip It and NHRD had a table up at Chunky's in Nashua. We got to dress up in derby gear and get our name out there and we also got free tix to see Whip It. I was so psyched to see it with my derby girls! Tonight is Appletree cinema. I volunteered again to help out, there just wasn't enough people signing up to do it. Although, I would enjoy sitting at home clearing out my DVR, I will go! I don't feel like showering but I will and get all derbied up!!!!

Can't wait for practice tomorrow. I heard it is going to be an "endurance" practice. I think that means it is going to kick my ass, but I am ready for it.

I want this t-shirt but can only find it in MEDIUM... I am deeply saddened! She has a bandaid and everything!

Practice #5 - after a whole week....

Last Sunday we didn't have practice because CMRD (Central Mass Roller Derby) had a fundraiser and I WENT TO SYTYCD on TOUR...

Come Monday morning, I was sicker than a dog... I started not feeling well Saturday and it was like a down hill sprint to sickness... I was supposed to go to a training on Monday in Nashua for how to change my wheels and stuff. Tuesday I was supposed to go to Roby park and practice outside and Thursday I was supposed to got to Tyngsboro, MA for regular practice. I was so sick I didn't do any of these or go to work for 5 days...

Therefore tonight was practice #5... I heard Thursday's practice was over 3 hours of endurance and stamina building that would make even the most competent Fresh Meat almost cry.... I probably picked a good practice to be too sick to practice. Tonight's practice was amazing... Went off with Terri while NHRD scrimmaged against CMRD. FINALLY was able to do a T stop and practiced weaving to the point where a crossover may be coming my way soon. I just need to stretch and get my legs ready for that position....

After being off to the side, we all came together and Tank'd Girl and May B. Knotty ran practice. We did 5 minutes of suicides doing one type of stop... Another 5 minutes of suicides doing a different stop... We did laps and some drills about how to enter back into the track if you get bumped out by a blocker or if you bump out a jammer what to do...

We did some more stop drills... What killed me the most was the last 4 minutes of practice... Two minutes without PICKING YOUR SKATES UP OFF THE FLOOR of doing laps... ALL EIGHT ON THE FLOOR, no picking up a skate to push oneself... KICKED MY ASS... Then after the 2 minutes were up, we turned to skate counter clockwise and do the same thing... HOLY HELL...

3 more practices and I will be able to have my derby name. I am going with SKATEY KAT... Plus my number will be ME0W and the zero is ME0W will have the kitty ears, whiskers and tail... LOVE IT!!!! Some of the fresh meat have great derby names - Terri wants Harmony Lix (like how many licks will it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop... she had to explain it to me.) Melissa wants MZcheif n Mayhem... VERY CREATIVE!!!!

Practice #4 BLOW OUT

Practice # 4 started out like any of the other past practices. We skated around in a "Sprint" which I can't do yet - CROSSOVERS... ARGH.





We were paired up with our Skater Sister and then we were to pair up with another group. It was Roxie Rollin, her skater sister Fresh Meat Anne - this was Anne's first practice as she was on vacation and couldn't make it to the same practice that this fresh meat group started at - Myself and my skater sister Pixie. This started out that the last person in the line of four had to push the other three people around the track as the other three just stood in their skater stance. As Roxie started pushing and pixie was heading to the front of the Anne went down. I don't remember but I managed to get over her, not touch her and then fall down myself... Anne immediately said her ankle was broken and it definitely was - it was perpendicular and just wrong looking... That puts a damper on practice.

What was amazing was how this group of 25 girls was like a well oiled machine. One girl was on the phone with 911, another girl had an ice pack... It was scary but amazing at the same time. Anne ended up breaking 3 bones and everything in her ankle/foot was dislocated.... She wants to come back and skate! LOVE HER!

Practice #3 9/13

This practice started out really well. We get to Leominster and CMRD (Central Mass Roller Derby) is practicing and they have a huge group of Fresh Meat (a lot of which haven't ever skated before - made me look like Brian Boitano in comparison! The guy, Ben, who was going over the ins and out of stopping and crossovers really spelled it out for me and I felt I improved LEAPS AND BOUNDS just from Thursday.

After CMRD left the rink, it was time to skate with NHRD and do drills. There weren't many girls there as the All Stars had an away bout in Delaware Saturday and a lot of girls hadn't gotten back from the road trip.

Kissing Bandit was leading the practice and she wanted us to skate in a line and the last person was to weave in and out of the people in front of them until one reached the front of the line and then the last person would go.... YIKES. I say Yikes because we had to maintain an arm's length apart from the person in front of you. I couldn't do that as I haven't mastered the crossover which maintains speed while skating... So, after a few laps of just trying to stay an arm's length - so I just skated around with my Skater Sister working on my stops. I will say, however, this drill almost caused my first cry session. I felt very disheartened that I physically couldn't do what everyone else was doing. It has nothing to do with my size or whatever, it is that I just don't know how to skate that way YET...

Interestingly enough, after this drill was completed, Bandit worked on Whips... This would be propelling another skater forward to get ahead of a pack or what have you. Since I can't stop, propelling me forward isn't a good idea. Also, this is considered contact- which we shouldn't be doing until we are a level 1, but whips are actually for LEVEL 2's. Glad I didn't participate. Even though I didn't participate, it doesn't mean I went and sat down and watched. I skated around and worked on other things because sitting down is like giving up... And I don't give up!

I must say that I didn't fall at all at this practice.

Day 2 on Skates

Last night was my second practice and what a WORLD of improvement. Let's say that Balance and learning how to stop are still on the top of my to do list, but I didn't fall as much! I think I had more confidence in myself because I survived the 1st practice, too...

Since the All-Stars have a bout Saturday in Delaware, the Fresh Meat (which we are called until we have a derby name; which is earned after 8 practices) were taken to the side and we worked on skills for our first test. Now, all of the Fresh Meat at practice last night have skated more than one time. I kind of felt a little like a fish out of water. That being said, when I am nervous I tend to make stupid jokes that only I think is funny. Therefore, not sure if I came across as annoying but I will tell you that I did my best at every skill they put in front of me. Some of the Fresh Meat in the group went to the Tuesday night practice- which means they are like ready to test to be a level 1... Personally I am as close to testing to be a level 1 as I am close to being Runner Up for Miss America!

We practiced stopping. One is a a Toe Stop - which is dragging the toe of one's skate to slow oneself down using the rubber stop thingie on your skate. I can get that one OKAY. Not perfect because I haven't mastered balance. The next stop is a T stop. I can't get this to save my life because I have to master that wacky thing called balance. It is literally using your lead foot and taking the opposite foot behind that skate perpendicularly to stop yourself. Because I can't really stand on one foot (whilst moving) I haven't quite gotten it yet. Reffington Steele (one of the Ref's who comes to practice to Ref the scrimmages at the end of practice) told me I can put my skates on and stand in my carpeted living room and just stand on one leg. I am going to try that because it won't hurt. Sadly, standing up with out skates on and standing on one leg is ALSO an issue with me. Balance is an issue NORMALLY for me. Not sure if it is a knee issue or what.

Nonetheless, we also practiced PLOW STOPS, which is just like skiing. However, I feel on skates you have to get your legs wider and your body lower. And since it is day 2 of skating my leg muscles haven't developed enough yet to give me that core strength yet to maintain a low stance. (We did a drill called the shopping cart and my skater sister Pixie pushed me around the floor and I had to hold the skater stance and steer. Steering was me not skating or moving my legs it was leaning into a turn and all that.... After me pushing her around and then her pushing me, my legs were MUSH and then I fell. Therefore I need to build up my strength and skating uses muscles really only built up by skating... GREAT!) I was able to figure out how to do the plow stop, but I think I pulled my groin in the process... We then did KNEE stops where, much like football, you take a knee but you skate into it and then in order to pass to the next level of skater, one must take a knee and get back up within 2 seconds. OH YA! You can't use your hands to get up you must use your legs. Another way to stop is the double knee or the ROCK STAR STOP which looks like the guitar pose where said guitarist slides across the stage on his knees... I got that one pretty well. Finally we did the Baseball stop which is basically like sliding into a base. 26 years of softball, I GOT THIS.... I do have some mechanics to work on, but I nailed it!

The part that will kill me is the cross over... This is how one builds up speed and in order to pick up my right foot, put it in front of my left (hence cross over) and push back out with it will come, but almost not fast enough for me....

I feel pretty good about my improvement from my 1st day skating - it is almost like night and day. Sadly, the girl from practice on Sunday who had a really hard time and had actually skated before, didn't show up. I hope she comes back!!!! I know I will.

No pictures yet of me in derby gear. I will work on that. Just keep praying for me that I keep picking it up quickly and I don't hurt myself.

Day 3 on Skates is 9/13! I'll definitely keep you posted!

1st day on skates

Wow, was it daunting. I really thought it would be easier because all the girls make it look so easy. WRONG...

Thank god I started working out a month ago because if I hadn't I would have been toast yesterday. I still have add more to my work outs because core strength is important.

It was great - but the appropriate stance to not fall down is in a squat. I got pooped out really quickly and my legs were shaking like they were going to give out.

I am really nervous about going to practice Thursday because I was so freaking pooped but we shall see! Everyone just say prayers for me that I can pull this off. 7 more practices til I get my derby name!

Bruised Boutique

My sister and I went to Nashua today to get my roller derby equipment. I got great skates with red laces and wheels. I got an AWESOME red helmet with a skull on it. I got some more socks, a derby skirt, special back pack to carry my gear and I won a skate key (I GOT A BRAND NEW PAIR OF ROLLER SKATES, I GOT A BRAND NEW KEY).

I was so nervous because I think of this new endeavor as like when I was deciding to pledge a sorority. I mean, I even get a name like a pledge name. I met some great people today who helped me out and the girls were SO nice.

I can't wait to get to practice tomorrow. I know i have never skated before but I can't wait. How long have I said I wanted to be a roller girl? Tomorrow is the day that this dream comes to fruition!

Along with this new endeavor, I am ready for a few more change ups. I am going to cut my hair, change my color and get a little crazy. Pics to come.

Roller Derby reality

Effective 9/6 I will be a Roller Derby Girl. I want a vicious name - Any Ideas? I was thinking of something w/ KAT in it so I can FINALLY go by KAT somehow.

Kat-a-Klizm
Kat-A-Tonic
Kat Von nasTY

I want a mean/perverse/KICK ASS name.... I was thinking of something that had Kat Fight in it or some sort of play on words with Knight Rider (or something). However, there is an official Roller Derby Registry and I have to make sure A.) no one else has the name B.) it isn't too similiar to anyone on my team. For example: A girl wanted Ali Kaslam but it was too close to someone else's so she will be Cherry Block.

Some of the names of the Jersey team that NH Skate or Die bout'ed against Saturday were horrendous. Don't Care Bear, Panda Gunz, Lil Miss Kamikaze.... I want something that screams my name and is awesome at the same time. I was trying to think of some Kid Rock reference but I am coming up with NADA.... HELP?!?!?!?!? (side note: one girl for the Jersey team was Toni Soprano and her number, because everyone needs a number too, was 4gettaboutit! hehehehe).

Sometimes I just hate Concord

Tonight - all I wanted to do was pick up the prints I had ordered off of Snapfish.com and I go to pull into the store and someone I don't want to see is getting out of the car to enter the store. I decide to not go in and continue trucking.

Then, I see all these hot rods at the Tuesday night car night at Arnie's. I actually think about pulling in and I see the ever familiar, ratty, white Chevy truck that belongs to a guy that called me a cunt... So, I can't go there.

It just sucks. Makes me want to move to a place where there aren't people ebbing and flowing out of my life that I just don't want to see or share air with. I don't consider myself the type of person that will duck and cover, but it just isn't worth my time, effort or energy to share space with these people.

The Irony of it all is in seeing the ratty white truck, I remembered that he put a NH Skate or Die Roller derby sticker on his dilapadated bumper. Funny to think that come sunday I will be on that team.

Take me out to the ball game?

Friday a bunch of former coworkers went to the Fisher Cats' game. Originally we all had tickets the day before my last day at liberty and I was going to throw out the 1st pitch. It was pouring and they game HAD to be played because there was no time to make up the game. So, the people that actually went to the game could use their old ticket stub to get a free ticket to any game they wanted. It was decided we would go on August 28th... I lost my ticket so I had to pay the whopping $8 to get a new ticket.

Well, we find our seats and approximately 10 rows in front of me is my first real boyfriend. The boy I lost my virginity to on August 11, 1994.... WITH HIS WHOLE FAMILY. His wife, his kids, his brother, his brother's wife, his wife's sister... Oh ya. Mind you, when my grandmother died this guy's brother was getting married and my mom didn't let me go to my grandmother's funeral because I was to go their wedding on the cape in 1996. Yup, missed my Grandmother' funeral for this family...

This was just surreal because I hadn't seen him since 1999... THE DAY OF GRADUATION... And I liked that I hadn't seen him. Well, he has not aged well. He still has his chicken legs, but he has DEFINITELY thickened up, his forehead has turned into a 6 or 8 head because his hairline is receding and he looks old. Mind you, his birthday is in 2 weeks and he will turn 33, so I am actually older than him... The best part of this is that my friends couldn't believe that HE was my ex and that I was actually older than him. They MADE this into a better event than it could have been. SERIOUSLY... They kept asking me if he was my professor in college and how did I know his real birthday because he looks far too old to actually be younger than me... Just made it better.

Sadly, a flood of emotions came into my brain about seeing this guy again. He is the only serious boyfriend I have ever had that I have dated for over a year... 2.5 years from the time I was 18 til I was 20. I thought I was going to be with him for the rest of my life. I am okay that we are not together because he did some hurtful things and said some even more hurtful things. In fact, what he said was SO hurtful to me that I still can't get over what he said and it has been over 10 years since he said them to me....

Nonetheless, while I know that I am the cutest person EVER, it makes me feel a million times better to know that this guy looks older than Methuselah.

Once bitten, now dog shy

I went to a friend's house yesterday. I had never been to her house before and she has a 9 year old Rottweiler. I don't like big dogs. He came up to me in the drive way, and I kind of just backed away. Not trying to show fear but just overwhelmed with a 125 lb dog that if he stood up on his hind legs would be taller than me (yes, I know that isn't saying much but still)...

Later on, my friend got a phone call and I stepped outside to give her privacy, I decided to walk over to the dog and pat him. MISTAKE. RED FLAG. STUPID... He had his back in the corner (mistake number one) and I just walked up with my hand out to pat, pat, pat on his head (MISTAKE TWO, didn't let him smell me first.) In doing so he just chomped down on my right hand and my TIFFANY'S RING... I didn't yell (I don't think), I didn't scream. I just said, "Your dog bit me" and the family was around me in seconds... I noticed my ring was bent so I quickly removed it and had a little in print from part of the ring in my hand... It didn't really hurt, I was just in shock.... UNTIL I TURNED MY HAND OVER... BLOOD EVERYWHERE... We went inside and rinsed it off and I had a deep puncture wound. We cleaned it out and put a band-aid on it and was good to go...

I was impressed with myself for not freaking out - however, I know from past experiences that when I am seriously hurt I don't freak, so I knew I had moderately hurt myself. Today I have a few teeth mark bruises and a little stiffness in my hand. Not bad.

I didn't want to make a scene and make a big deal out of it because I didn't want to embarrass the dog owner because I was a guest in her house. Plus, she has kids and I didn't want to scare the kids. I hope I acted appropriately.

Accepting any and all referrals

So, I went to therapy last night, already thinking I need a new therapist. I told him how softball ended last week and how I may play on a flag football team and that roller derby starts for me on 9/6... He had the audacity to say, "YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN BORN A GUY!"

Now 24 hour later girl thinks of this just now and realizes WTF? I told him that I am not the kind of girl that sits back and fawns over a guy who plays sports, I will get in there and play and show him just how good I am at the sport... How does that make me man material?

Vanity Plates

I am the biggest advocate for Vanity Plates - especially in NH because it is so cheap. I have always had them. My first car was K8T-M - LOVED IT. I had come up with K8T in middle school and thought I was rad to the max.

My parents have always had vanity plates as well. On one car was MILLS and the other car was +MILLS... So, when they parked in the driveway it was say MILLS+MILLS... Aw, how cute... When I got old enough I should have gotten =4MILLS (get it? In parking in the driveway it would say MILLS+MILLS=4MILLS - THAT'S A LAUGH RIOT). When I got to college, my friends just started calling me MILLS (because I lived with two other Katie's). So, when I got a newer vehicle (other than my '82 Ford Escort, self proclaimed sport coup) I got &Mills on my license plate. So, when I would come home to visit and park in the drive way it would say MILLS+MILLS&MILLS. We are so effing creative... Interestingly enough my dad has kept the old plates (when NH upgraded their boring plates to have the Man in the Mountain on them) and over the garage doors he has each parking stall labeled with the old plates... Hehehehe.

The point of this blog is that while driving to work the other day I saw an ugly, toaster looking Scion that had a vanity plate that read J+J4eva. I NEARLY vomitted in my mouth a little when I read that. I thought to myself, "Really? Do they really think 4eva exists"? Is it like a tattoo? Like the minute you get someone's name tattooed on you, it is like a death sentence for the relationship; a count down to its demise?

I can speak from experience on this. In 2003, I went to AutoServ of Concord. My 1994 White Chevy Cavalier (which was a Lexus in comparison to the '82 Ford Escort) was just falling apart. I heard the ads for KIA "Do you have a job? Do you have $199?" so I went to get one, anything was better than the Cavalier. Well, all the Kias they had were junk (and in the long run I learned ALL KIAS are JUNK, but that's a story for another day) so the salesman showed me a USED 2002 Kia Optima. Long story short, I bought it (and am still paying for it along w/ my PT CRUISER).

When I bought the Kia I was seriously dating a guy. We were living together, we were moving to Kittery together and renting a HOUSE together. This was the most serious I had ever been in a relationship. What did I do to show my undying love and affection for this guy? I got KEVSGRL on my license plate.... I remember having the conversation with him telling him I had a surprise for him and I told him I was doing it to show the world I was his girl... He said that he wasn't asking me to do it but he appreciated it.

Well, when the whole relationship when to shit, I still had to drive around with that damn license plate! So, I wonder if J+J4eva really put any thought into how long 4eva is... Maybe 4eva means just until the next registration period on that ugly Scion?

(SIDE BAR: I wanted to say that I still have a vanity plate, the previous KEVSGRL decision didn't get me to forget my love of all plates vanity. Mine currently says MI11SIE (which you wouldn't believe causes so many questions... MY elevensies? My onesies? IT'S MILLSIE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, ever heard of creativity?) My sister has a vanity plate as well MILLZ (it could be just plain Mills or Millsie too)... We rock the vanity plates in good ole NH.)

Leaving Las Vegas

Yesterday whilst driving to work, the radio show I listen to was discussing the amount of drinks a person can drink TO KILL HIM/HERSELF... What? It was if a person sat down and drank one right after the other (no food, no break) and obviously not for shits and giggles to try out, but for a "Leaving Las Vegas-type of purpose".

Just a side note from the point of this blog for a moment... Have you seen Leaving Las Vegas? That movie has scared me for life. Yes, Nicholas Cage's character wanted to die. Yes, he wanted to drink himself to death. Yes, he met a hooker and ultimately fell in love with her... THIS IS WHERE I WOULD HAVE CHANGED MY MIND, you see. Once I found someone, hooker or not, and fell in love I would have put down the bottle. Nonetheless, like most men, Nicholas Cage's character had a plan and he couldn't derail from that. RUBBISH...

Okay - so a 200lb man would presumably kill himself if he sat down and drank the following (not all of them together because OF COURSE that would wreak havoc on one's innards but each amount of one liquor would shut a guy down for good).

23 Tequila shots
10 Long Island Ice Teas (and honestly back in the day I think I cam close to this amount once)
27 Glasses of RED WINE
32 Bud Light Bottles (I think I know some sigma brothers who have tried that and survived!)

Now a 130lb woman:
13 Shots of Rum
14 Margaritas
15 (or 13 because it was hard to drive, listen and write this down) Appletini's
The last one i missed the number but I think it was 10 pints of Guinness (but that doesn't seem like too much)...

However, this is sitting down and just drinking like you were in a Nathan's Hot dog eating contest. I didn't post this for my friends to take this as a challenge. Albeit, I am sure some people heard this on the radio and thought, "I WILL PROVE THEM WRONG". That is not my point. While I love a drink as much as the next guy, I can't imagine sitting down and saying, "Good-bye cruel world, may I have another". That's where I am a silver lining kind of girl...

Odd feeling

I had a softball game tonight. It wasn't for my regular team THUNDERBALLS. It was a pick up game Bedford Fire department vs. Bedford Police Department - when I heard that they needed players for the FD I was all for it... THINKING THERE MAY BE SOME HANDSOME MEN THERE...

There were some handsome men on the PD - ALL EFFEN MARRIED... Which I think got me into a funk. I got up 5 times, and was 1-4 (on an error by the third baseman who I think did it on purpose, even though we won 16-5)... However, the whole point of this blog is that I had absolutely no one to call and tell this too. I texted my sister, no response. I thought about texting Holly but she was probably busy with her kids. Marianne was probably with Ryan, Lisa probably putting Ashley to bed... Notice these are all females? Absolutely no guy to chit chat/flirt with... That' s sad. EXTREMELY SAD. My therapist said, "lose another 30-40lbs and MAYBE the guys will come chasing after you... NICE... So, I am just sad.

Even my co-worker said she was falling in love. I say this because if anyone has heard me talk about my older co-worker would know that I am HANDS DOW more gorgeous than her (well, duh! But seriously.) That's what gets me thinking WTF... ON facebook I saw that the biggest loser at my high school, who we all questioned if he actually bathed at all, IS MARRIED. Mind you, she appears to be a wicked winner but still... HOW COME EVEN THE LOSER OF MY CLASS GETS LOVE? It isn't like I am not putting myself out there, but JUMPIN JEHOSAFAT!!!! I am not a leper...

Sorry - I just had to vent because I am 28 lbs down and feel great and am working hard and making a lot of life style changes and it feels like it is all for naught and secretly I would like to get a large Hawaiian pizza delivered and just hoover it down.... AARRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

Courtesy

I am so "Big Brother is watching me" it is sad. I refuse to get a bank account because I am sick of ATM fees and overdraft fees and all that BS. I refuse to get the easy pass (because I don't have a bank account) and I don't want the DOT in my business. In order to cash my paycheck, I go to wal-mart (hence all the posts about wal-mart). This morning I got up early so I could cash my paycheck and also put some money on my H&R Block card. I go to the customer service desk and waited behind a very filthy man with chicken legs.

When it is my turn to do my business, this woman on a cell phone walks up about 5 inches behind me and waits. When someone is in front of me in line, I give them a wide birth so they don't feel crowded, this woman was all up in my kool-aid and it was making me WICKED uncomfortable. Then, still on her cell phone, interrupts the Customer Service person to say that she has been waiting in line for far too long and has to be to work in 10 minutes and needs her transaction to be quick. She starts bitching and moaning about how so many people have just walked by her that are Wal-Mart employees but no one can run a register. Now, honestly, I have thought the same things, but not aloud to the lone employee who is working her ass off, you know? The rude, personal space invader keeps spewing out and I actually said aloud, "YOU NEED TO SHUT YOUR FACE". She didn't hear me because she was still on the phone.

The reason why I think there should be courtesy in line because I cashed my work check and that is pretty substantial and she was literally causing me a wedgie (THAT'S HOW UP MY ASS SHE WAS). The employee was counting back my payroll check and this woman, who said she was going to work in 10 minutes but had on umbro gym shorts, was breathing down my neck DEFINITELY making plans to pick pocket me.

What pleased me is that the Customer Service lady took her sweet ass time doing my request. LOVE HER. Wanted to go back and check in with her after I went and bought my peppermint chap stick (another story) but I didn't want to be late myself.

My question - when you stand behind someone in a line and they move up to the counter, what is your courtesy personal space zone? I give like 5 feet, I swear! Sometimes when people go up to a bank counter or a customer service desk they need their space/room for privacy, why doesn't everyone feel that way?

Seriously?

Sometimes I have to ask myself... Seriously? Seriously?

Like the other day driving in Taunton with Marianne, the light was so long, I just looked at it and said, Seriously Light? Seriously?

When I ordered my Coach bag and the dufus girl had it shipped to my house instead of the store (where I requested it to be sent) and then the box comes to my door with COACH written all over it and the fed ex guy put the delivery slip on my door with an ARROW POINTING DOWN TO THE BOX in case I didn't see the big ass mofo COACH BOX... I was like, Seriously Fed ex? Seriously?

At the Kid Rock show, the row in front of our row was handicap accessible and the family in front of us left, every five minutes some group of people would try to snag the seats and the same kick ass lady would come over and escort them out. After the 15th time, I was like Seriously drunkies? Seriously?

Um, what else? Oh, at work, the 21 year old passes the buck on everything. She did something wrong and it is like the old Family Circle cartoon where "Someone else" (the invisible kid where a t-shirt ran around the house making the mess where a t-shirt that says "SOMEONE ELSE" on it, or something like that) did it. Today, ultimately she threw me under the bus for some embellishments she made and finally said (and I quote), "If a note had been made to begin with, I wouldn’t have to recall anything and it would have never been brought up." Seriously douche? Seriously? There' are 5 people in the whole damn company, SOME DAY it is going to be HER FAULT, don't you think? Seriously!

Hmmmmm. Are there more? I am sure, the day is still young and I am WICKED over tired and punchy STILL... Instead of things that make you go Hmmmmmmm, it should be stupid shit that makes you say SERIOUSLY? But I don't think that would sell records for C&C Music Factory.

Just Chillin' like a K.I.D.

Last night I saw Kid Rock perform for the 2nd time and I definitely more in love than I have ever been before. Don't tell anyone, but I enjoyed that show more than DAVE. I feel the need to see him again. I sang every single song he sang, my seats were so close I could see his American Bad ass tattoo w/o my glasses when he took his shirt off - oh and when he took his shirt off. ME-freakin'-OW baby.

He definitely puts on a show. I am in awe and amazement. He played Rock'n'Roll Pain train, You ain't never met a mofo quite like me, Son of Detroit and Cocky... If he had played Early Morning Stoned Pimp, Rock'n'Roll, Blue Jeans and a Rosary and Sugar - I would have died a happy Katie. However, I am happy that he didn't play all the songs I wanted to hear because now I MUST go back and see him again. He even did a mash up to one of his earlier songs (Wastin Time) and in the background and in between each verse it was Sweet Child of Mine (I think) by Guns'n Roses. OH YA...

Not only did he perform- running all over the stage and sing his brains out. Kid played the guitar, piano, spinned (or is it spun) some records (while pouring a shot of Jim Beam AND lighting a stogy) then he played the drums. He is amazing. I can't wait for his new album to come out and for him to tour again. I have to buy the new Rolling Stone too - he is in it...

Kid Rock + Katie Mills 4 eva!

SYTYCD

For those who watched me on the Mole, I am known to be a cryer. I thought I got over it, but recently it has come back with a vengeance.

Never in my life have a seen a dance that moved to me tears. Last Wednesday, Melissa and Ade on So You Think You Can Dance did a Tyce Diorio (or as Marianne likes to say Tasty Oreo) contemporary routine about a woman dealing with breast cancer and it was so moving I got chills and cried... I mean sobbed, like a blubbering purple mess... Then, when NIGEL LITHGOW (the executive producer) choked up and then had to turn around to compose himself. LOST IT...

I bought tickets for the tour on Saturday - They better be doing that on tour!

What's in a name?

You entered: Mary-Elizabeth Katherine Mills
There are 27 letters in your name.Those 27 letters total to 130There are 10 vowels and 17 consonants in your name.
Your number is: 4
The characteristics of #4 are: A foundation, order, service, struggle against limits, steady growth.

The expression or destiny for #4:Order, service, and management are the cornerstones of the number 4 Expression.

Your destiny is to express wonderful organization skills with your ever practical, down-to-earth approach. You are the kind of person who is always willing to work those long, hard hours to push a project through to completion. A patience with detail allows you to become expert in fields such as building, engineering, and all forms of craftsmanship. Your abilities to write and teach may lean toward the more technical and detailed. In the arts, music will likely be your choice. Artistic talents may also appear in such fields as horticulture and floral arrangement, as well. Many skilled physicians and especially surgeons have the 4 Expression.

The positive attitudes of the 4 Expression yield responsibility; you are one who no doubt, fulfills obligations, and is highly systematic and orderly. You are serious and sincere, honest and faithful. It is your role to help and you are required to do a good job at everything you undertake.

If there is too much 4 energies present in your makeup, you may express some of the negative attitudes of the number 4. The obligations that you face may tend to create frustration and feelings of limitation or restriction. You may sometimes find yourself nursing negative attitudes in this regard and these can keep you in a rather low mood. Avoid becoming too rigid, stubborn, dogmatic, and fixed in your opinions. You may have a tendency to develop and hold very strong likes and dislikes, and some of these may border on the classification of prejudice.

The negative side of 4 often produces dominant and bossy individuals who use disciplinarian to an excess. These tendencies must be avoided. Finally, like nearly all with 4 Expression, you must keep your eye on the big picture and not get overly wrapped up in detail and routine.

Your Soul Urge number is: 5
A Soul Urge number of 5 means: The 5 soul urge or motivation would like to follow a life of freedom, excitement, adventure and unexpected happening. The idea of travel and freedom to roam intrigues you. You are very much the adventurer at heart. Not particularly concerned about your future or about getting ahead, you can seem superficial and unmotivated.
In a positive sense, the energies of the number 5 make you very adaptable and versatile. You have a natural resourcefulness and enthusiasm that may mark you as a progressive with a good mind and active imagination. You seem to have a natural inclination to be a pace-setter. You are attracted to the unusual and the fast paced. You may be overly restless and impatient at times. You may dislike the routine work that you are engaged in, and tend to jump from activity to activity, without ever finishing anything. You may have difficulty with responsibility. You don't want to be tied down to a relationship, and it may be hard to commit to one person.

Your Inner Dream number is: 8
An Inner Dream number of 8 means: You dream of success in the business or political world, of power and control of large material endeavors. You crave authority and recognition of executive skills. Your secret self may have very strong desire to become an entrepreneur.

(To find out this about yourself - got to http://www.paulsadowski.com/Numbers.asp )

Why I don't driver on 7/4

I am a fraidy-cat, that's why... I have had multiple MVA's - I was hit by a pizza delivery guy, I rear-ended someone in Maine, and I was hit by a mustang in a Wal-Mart parking lot all on 7/4. I also got my first (and only - knock on wood) speeding ticket on 7/4. PLUS, my last accident, which was 12/8/2007 - the guy driving the car that ripped off my bumper, his date of birth was 7/4....

With all that being said, I am not agoraphobic today, I just REFUSE to drive. I just got a text from a friend asking me to come to a BBQ at her house. I explained that I don't drive and to quote her she said, "EVEN IF YOU DRIVE NOW"? I wanted to say, "Is today STILL 7/4"?

Last year I have great memories of a great day, I was chauffeured all day and there was the start of a budding romance as well... 1 year later, sitting in my apartment, drinking white wine, it just started raining and my DVR is empty... Oh well... I have three movies from Netflix (Taken, Revolutionary Road, and Bride Wars... Sounds like a fun filled day!

When it rains it pours (especially with the weather we have been having lately)

Um, so today was my first day at my new job and I love it. However, I check my voicemail when I get out of the office and I have a voicemail from PRIMEX (the Concord job I have been WAITING to hear from)... They want 3 letters of reference... I haven't heard JACK from them in over 2 weeks and the DAY I start my new, fantastic job (that fills me w/ happiness) THEY CALL? What is this all about?

You are SOOOOO dead to me SHAW'S

I went and did my sister's grocery shopping as she has a broken foot and has been really under the weather this weekend. Normally, when I do this for her, she writes a check and then I write it for $25 over as payment for my services.

Today there was a DOUCHE BAG manager who wouldn't allow me to write the check over the amount. I have done this multiple times and advised the DB of this and still she continued her douchebagery and wanted me to write a 2nd check... I was like listen CHILD, I have done this multiple times, this is how you do it. Nope, DB!!!

So, I apologized up and down to the nice gentleman behind me who was buying at least 20 Blue Powerades, took my receipt and stormed out of there without my $25. I was texting my sister to advised of the DB and the guy behind me in line was actually parked next to me. He was very kind and advised me that I should call corporate Shaw's and advise them of what transpired. I called the manager of Shaw's and he had already left for the day so I was placed on the phone with the Night Manager. He said his name twice and both times he said them too fast. He was very kind and explained what may have occurred and said next time to ask for the DB's manager and he will allow it... I should have done this before I left but there was a huge line behind me. I didn't have to get mean with the night manager and say we were bringing our business elsewhere because he was very kind.

However, in talking with my sister, she may take her shopping to Hannaford's.... Yay sis...

Weird question - am I over analyzing myself?

There is a tattooed boy who delivers me my salads from Kaylens - today he choked and was like not breathing in or something when he left... So, in the back of my head, I am thinking, is it my breath?

A so-called friend told me recently (in front of people) that my breath smelled like I ate shit - and now I am afraid CONSTANTLY that my breath is bad...

Can I chalk this up to a coincidence or should I continue analyzing it and be afraid that my Kaylens delivery boy BF thinks I have stinky breath?

Feeling kind of empty

I don't know how to explain it. I am not the kind of person who needs a boyfriend or has to have one all the time. In the 33 years of my existence I have been single longer than I have been in a relationship. That being said, lately I have been feeling like something is missing. Not sure what or how. I mean, I am feeling good about myself again and I think therapy and changing my life goals have really put everything I need in perspective. BUT SOMETHING IS AMISS.

Maybe I am in heat or something but I am checking out every guy I see, especially looking at his left hand to see if there is a ring. I have NEVER been like this. Could this be a biological clock thing (although I have NEVER wanted to have kids)? Could it be a boredom thing since I am currently in between jobs? Who knows. What could it be?

I am not looking for a relationship, I am not looking for a hook up. I don't know what I am looking for, I just feel like a piece of me is missing - which is odd. The other day I was watching TV and I almost reached for the phone to find a phone number for an ex so I could tell him that SPONGE BOB was going to be appearing somewhere this weekend and I was sure his kids would love it. Um, the last time I spoke with this person he called me the C word, um, I don't want to talk to him or tell him anything. Why did I have that fleeting thought? Could it just be that it isn't worth the effort of anger? Do I miss him? HELL NO!

I am just confused. I don't know what caused this confusion. Maybe it is due to lack of me being able to relax that having nothing on my plate has caused me to actually delve inside to my own thoughts. Specifically the thoughts I have no control over - but what is that going to do? I have more important fish to fry, like obtaining a job... Who knows. However, if you know any eager and willing men send them my way.

The Barley House

Marianne came up to visit Saturday and we decided to go out. The only place I have ever really gone out to, other than Penuche's (which I think is a gay bar) is The Barley House. Although the "bouncer" was a sour puss and didn't laugh at either Marianne or my jokes, it didn't deter us from having a good time.

The bar area is kind of small but we hunkered down and started chatting up with the bar tenders - quasi handsome young men (however, I think I am in heat anyway so it doesn't matter). Marianne and I had some beers, some shots, met quite a few drunk guys and closed the place down. Even though we missed last call (which kept me from having to buy a round of shots - maybe it was sheer luck), the drinks and company were great.

While I don't think that I could walk into that place solo and hang out, I do feel better knowing I have a place I can go in Concord. Can't wait to go back!

Big Bag of Nerves

I had my second interview today for a job I REALLY want... I think I may have gotten cocky because a person from the NH Department of Labor called the people who interviewed me during the 1st interview to sing my praises. He outright told me that he doesn't go to bat for anyone. So, I think in my head I had this sign, sealed and delivered. Plus, I looked so DAMN HOT today that if they were actually basing their decision on HOTNESS, hands down I would already have been offered the position. My outfit was slammingly appropriate, my make-up and hair came out great - what else could I have asked for?

The same two women who interviewed me last week called me into a different conference room from before. Then someone new came into the room. It was the guy who HIRED the current CEO of the company. He asked me mostly all the same questions from the 1st interview and I am very adept at verbalizing how awesome I am. That was it for the verbal part of the interview. He excused himself and then they handed me their test!!!! (Might I add when I signed in today they had the same sign in sheet from Friday and only 1 other person had signed in since Friday for an interview).

This test was to write a letter denying something that wasn't worker's compensation related. Seriously, no problem. The 2nd part was to fill out initial paperwork (which at my current employment we have PEOPLE that do that for us) and I had to reserve this file. I have never done initial reserves for claims nor have I done this paperwork - but I had an idea on how to do so. My only issue was that this file should have paperwork filled out for Partial Disability - and I didn't know the formula to do so (I use a calculator provided by the DOL). So, I made a rough estimate in my mind.

Man, I hope I mailed it. I really want this job. I don't think I have ever wanted anything so badly. PLEASE SEND ME POSITIVE VIBES!

I watched the movie Yes Man last night and I really think it has such a positive message and I think I need to take from that movie and use it in my own life... YES, YES, YES I will get this job!!!!

Sweet Love Hangover

I love movies. Recently there have been two block busters that I have actually seen twice in the theatre... The only time before this that I remember watching a movie twice in the theatre was FORREST GUMP! I remember my friend telling me that he saw The Matrix 9 times in the theatre. I am not that bad... (But the Matrix is a great movie).

I saw Star Trek twice - OH MY LORD DAY... I have a kinship with William Shatner because we were born on the same day. However, I wouldn't call myself a Trekkie... I am a fan of Heroes and I love Zachary Quinto and that piqued my interest in this movie. And who doesn't love a good action flick... It was just as good the 2nd time as it was the first time.

I saw The Hangover twice - HILARIOUS... The first time I saw it, opening weekend, there were five people in the theatre. The 2nd time, this past weekend, I went with three friends and the theatre was PACKED... IT was just great to see how other people reacted to the humor and it enabled me to remember the great movie quotes even better...

I RECOMMEND BOTH movies... I can't wait til they come out on video. Now, in a little over a week TRANSFORMERS is out. Next one I will see, will I see it twice???? I will keep you posted

Roller Derby here I come

I went to see the NH Roller derby team Skate free or die on Saturday and fell instantly in love. I can't wait to try out. I even came up with a good roller derby name. Kat-ASS-Trophy..... (pronounced catastrophe)... I love the out fits, the style, the roughness and everything about it. I can't wait to try out.

I want everyone to come and watch me kick some serious roller derby behind...

You know what?

You know how I know that I have lost more weight? I can cross my legs... Before, I had gained SO much weight that I couldn't cross my legs... I was so disappointed in myself. But now I can do it!!!! YAY ME!!!!

My top 10 Favorite DAVE MATTHEWS BAND songs and why

1.) Dancing Nancies - 23 so tired of life, such a shame to throw it all away... At 23 when I first heard this song, I thought Dave was actually singing to me specifically.

2.) Grey Street - There's a loneliness inside her and she'll do anything to fill it in. And though it's red blood bleeding from her now it feels like cold blue ice in her heart. She feels like kicking out all the windows and setting fire to this life. She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright, but all the colors mix together to grey..
Seriously, when I get my sleeve tattoos, on my left arm, somehow, those lyrics will be in that tattoo. This is just a beautiful song.

3.) Crush - before these crowded streets came out just as I was coming back from Spain - this song is part of the DMB orgasm trifecta (three specific songs played back to back to back could cause orgasm, I swear). AM I RIGHT SIDE UP OR UPSIDE DOWN, IS IT REAL OR AM I DREAMING?

4.) Grace is Gone... This song came out after I saw Dave at the Garden (the first time I ever saw him in doors and I didn't know the name of this song but thought it was beautiful... It doesn't hurt that my niece's name is Grace and I want to take her to see Dave when she is older...
One drink to remember then one drink to forget. I think of every day to find a love like you again.... OH to have love like this...

5.) Say Good-bye... my roommate in Spain had the crash CD and I just listened to this song over and over again... Loving the words and how beautiful they are. Plus, Dave never sings the song the same way - and I believe the first time I saw Dave they sang this song... It is heaven! (one of the Orgasm Trifecta)

6.) All Along the Watchtower - if Dave hits the high note at the end of this song, it is the final part of the DMB orgasm trifecta! This song is the ultimate last song - especially the way it was played day 1 at Fenway this year. Tim Reynolds guitar solo went into Stairway to Heaven and then back to watchtower... Hey... NO REASON TO GET EXCITED!!!!

7.) Long Black Veil. This song is a favorite because this CD I put in a jukebox at what used to be my favorite bar in Keene. I have this theory that most of my favorite songs are either song 7 or 8 on a disc and I got to play this song every time I was at my favorite bar. Plus, I first heard this song on a tribute show to Johnny Cash!

8.) Angel - I love this song because it reminds of a line from my favorite movie - Eddie and the Cruisers - "Words and music man, words and music." What amazes me about this song is how beautiful the words of the song are and how glorious the music is. How did they decide these words with those particular notes? It is beautifully orchestrated. (this song is also a number 8 on a CD). Plus, a friend of mine told me once to call him if Dave sang this song, so I did, so it makes me think of a friend.

9.) Gravedigger - I love this song even more so after hearing it both nights at Fenway this year when Dave and Willie sang it together. I want this song played at my funeral and if they release the version of Willie and Dave together -I want that one played at my funeral.

10.) Spoon. Dave and Alanis together. Pure Magic...

Unanswered Prayers

My facebook status this afternoon was: things are so much rosier in my land of make believe!

I think that for every single action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Now, I didn't coin that theory but I believe it. Today I got a text from a friend of mine and that person was at a bar. Man oh man, did I want to have a pint or four this afternoon. I received a picture of a full pint glass via text and the subject said said, "Had to have one". I texted back, " Lucky Bastard. That looks delectable." No response... Time went by and nothing. In my land of make believe I received a text that said, " Hurry up and get out of work. Meet me at the bar and I will buy you a beer!" My land of make believe is ROSIER. That text doesn't exist in the real world.

Later on when I got home I decided to have a glass of wine. All I have here is red wine, not my favorite, but beggars can't be choosers. So, I took a picture of my glass of wine and sent it to my friend. My friend said, " I see you are imbibing yourself. lol" (Btw, I hate LOL - but that is another blog for another day). I texted back, "Ya. Having 1 glass. Need to boost my spirits (no pun intended). And nothing... I could seriously here crickets and it's not because my slider was open.

In my land of make believe (now this isn't too difficult) I received a text stating something like WHY DO YOU NEED TO BOOST YOUR SPIRITS? or something asking me why the funk, you know? And nothing...

This leads me to believe that I either have a vivid imagination of how I should be treated or no one really understands me and what I want. Maybe it is a sign to tell me that the person from whom I want this validation isn't the person to give it to me? Which I am sure is the point because Garth Brooks wouldn't sing about it if it wasn't the truth... Nonetheless, I crave this attention and I am ready for this attention, but why am I not getting it?

So, who ever coined the theory of every action has an equal and opposite reaction based that theory on the fact that whatever KATIE MILLS wants to happen, the result is the equal and opposite response. Thanks DUDE. You suck.

*** Addendum***
About an hour and a half (or more) from my last text, I got one from my friend. We chatted back and forth and I told my friend that since I was in a weird mood could he say something that would make me smile... The text back was, "Tomorrow is Friday and Dave Matthews is waiting to see you Saturday". This made me smile (although I will not be attending the Hartford shows), it definitely shows a valiant effort... SMILES.

The Zen of Sarcasm

The Zen of Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

AND 22 . Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Appropriate

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone..

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".

26. Always choose life.

27. Forgive everyone everything.

28. What other people think of you is none of your business.

29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.

30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

31. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

32. Believe in miracles.

33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

36. Your children get only one childhood.

37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

41. The best is yet to come.

42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

43. Yield.

44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Katie 2k9 - NEW EDITION

I have decided that for the past 33 years I have lived my life for everyone else other than Katie Mills. I have also decided that it is time for me to only worry about myself, my well being and put myself first.

For 33 years I have put the well being, feelings, concerns of everyone else before mine. I have been a people pleaser. I thought that if I was concerned with helping everyone else that it would in turn make me happy. I have finally learned that I was wrong.

Months back I came to an epiphany that out of all the people on this planet, not a single person has the priority or necessity to put me as his/her number one priority... I was wrong. I AM THAT PERSON, IT IS ME!

At age 33 I am a brand new version of myself, a new and improved Katie Mills - Katie 2K9. This version is not going to let people use her niceness for their personal gain or appear to have welcome tattooed across her back. This Katie is going to look at things with a whole new light and do things that will be for her own greater good. This is superbly important. I have been riding through life barely participating in my own journey but directly influencing other people's journeys. None the less, it hasn't always been reciprocated. I do a lot of things that aren't really reciprocated back to me and that is going to end.

The only thing that I don't wish to end is my obsession to send people cards for birthdays and anniversaries. My birthday is my favorite day of the year so I feel it is gravely important to let people know I remember his/her day. I got 4 birthday cards this year. 4. 3 from family, one from a friend. I kept the card up from my friend until last week. The card almost made me weep. See, that's why I send them. So, even though the card may not be reciprocated, I know it touches SOMEONE as much as that 1 card I got from a friend touched me.

Katie 2k9 is out there, keeping her own best interest in mind and that's it. She is a very happy camper and enjoying each minute of her new role in her own life.